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Defiled and Depressed


Katwo

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So, I'm a heteromantic asexual in my first year of university. I have a boyfriend who I've been seeing for about a month. Last weekend, we started making out (which was normal), but things started escalating. I was scared out of mind; so much so that I thought I was going to die of fright. I didn't want to progress, but things were getting out of hand and I couldn't bring myself to pull away or say "Stop." My thoughts of "I'm supposed to want this. This is just the college experience. This is what normal people in normal relationships do," and such were holding me back. I would say I regretted it immediately afterwards, but I regretted it even while it was occurring. When I got home, I took two showers, washed my hands three times, threw away my toothbrush, and still felt dirty.

Ever since, day by day, I've been getting more and more depressed. It started with a day-long panic attack that wouldn't go away even with the aid of Xanax. I couldn't stop shaking, I was crying on and off, there were times when I struggled to breathe, and I just plain felt sick. I just couldn't stop reliving that night. The memories kept swimming in my brain. Then the next day...I got a knife. I never ever saw the point of self-harming until that day. Then I understood. I needed a distraction to get the memories of that experience away. Nothing else would suffice to keep the thoughts at bay. I felt so seriously about this that I even researched the major arteries and veins near the surface of the body. I even thought I should just go for it and stab myself: in the gut, in the chest, in the head, straight through my hand, the rage and shame swelled so much that I just wanted to go crazy. I felt sick. I felt angry. I felt disgusting. I felt ashamed. I felt degraded. I felt defiled. I felt less than human. I felt like literal trash. Yesterday, I looked up how many of my anxiety pills it would take to kill me. Sadly, it turns out that it's very hard to overdose and is usually ineffective.

Yes, I've talked with my boyfriend about all of this. He apologized profusely and feels god-awful. He says he'll never do anything without making sure to ask if it's okay. Of course, these are good things, but it doesn't change the way I feel inside. I feel like my whole body has changed into something different. This isn't my body anymore, and it sure as hell isn't his. It's just some random chunk of flesh that my soul has decided to attach to. No, not attach; haunt. I don't feel attached to this body anymore.

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nanogretchen4

If you have anxiety pills you probably have a psychiatrist, right? Call them right away and tell them about your symptoms and make an appointment. I think it's extremely unwise to keep dating this guy. If I were you I would just make a clean break. It's only been a month, and look how traumatically horrible that one month has been. Get out right now and save yourself. Someday you can start all over with a new person, but I don't think you should try dating again until you've spent some time focusing on your mental health. If you have family members or longtime platonic friends you trust, call them and ask for their help and support. Take care of yourself.

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I don't have a psychiatrist, but I have gotten help from my friends. Whenever I get too deep into my thoughts, I go to my friends or call them. I won't break up with my boyfriend. We love each other, and the problem I have is with myself; not him. I am trying to take care of myself, and so are the people around me. The reason I posted on this forum is because I know I need help and am trying more platforms to get it.

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If your at university there's likely an on campus counseling center. Taking medication like that without a Dr can be dangerous as some meds have side effects that need to be monitored. As much as we want to support you and I'm sure your friends are great seeing a Dr could help you feel better. I hope that you can get help or just feel better.

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Does your University have a counsellor? I'm sure your friends are great and all but can't substitute for a professional especially where self harm and suicide are involved. That's a huge red flag. Your mental health is important if you don't take care of yourself you'll end up dragging your bf down with you.

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