Partner likes my orientation

[Yatagarasu]

I feel kinda lucky in this regard, because I've come to realize that my boyfriend actually likes me being ace/grey-aro. It makes him feel special and he's extremely patient with it.

 

How is it for you?

[Nylocke]

I don't know whether to call this a red flag or not but a lot of times if you're an AFAB person and you're dating a guy that claims to "like the fact that you're asexual", its a thing to watch out for. There was a woman online who used to talk about asexuality before many people knew about it. I don't remember her name but she used to get unsavory attention from guys all the time and even a man who proposed to her saying that "because she was asexual that she would be loyal to him no matter what". I'm not saying its a bad thing intentionally but just be careful because a lot of people's intentions aren't right when it comes to that.

 

 

[Yatagarasu]

4 hours ago, Nylocke said:

I don't know whether to call this a red flag or not but a lot of times if you're an AFAB person and you're dating a guy that claims to "like the fact that you're asexual", its a thing to watch out for. There was a woman online who used to talk about asexuality before many people knew about it. I don't remember her name but she used to get unsavory attention from guys all the time and even a man who proposed to her saying that "because she was asexual that she would be loyal to him no matter what". I'm not saying its a bad thing intentionally but just be careful because a lot of people's intentions aren't right when it comes to that.

Could you elaborate?

[Starlit Sky]

Unfortunately, I don't see any way of your asexuality causing him to feel special that wouldn't be at least something of a bad thing. If he feels special because of asexuality, there's a very good chance it's because he doesn't fully, 100% comprehend asexuality. There are definitely valid reasons why a sexual might be happy about it, but if he feels like you'll never cheat on him, or that you'll never like anyone other than him, or something like that--I mean, neither of those things are necessarily true. Do you maybe know why he feels special? Perhaps Nylocke and I are wrong.

 

That said, I'm definitely  not saying that the relationship is a bad thing, and I am very happy that that you've found someone that is patient with you and cares about you.

[MrDane]

I have always appreciated that my partner wasnt a high maintenance queen who constantly needed affirmation about how sexy she was or were always on a route towards being more sexy. Buying underwear and fancy dresses.  I always valued cozy and happy more than firm, pretty and correct. 

...but the ace thing? I cant really see how that makes it better. I accept, but it sure doesnt make my life easier. A pinch of lust for me would be fucking great. 

[Yatagarasu]

3 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

Unfortunately, I don't see any way of your asexuality causing him to feel special that wouldn't be at least something of a bad thing. If he feels special because of asexuality, there's a very good chance it's because he doesn't fully, 100% comprehend asexuality. There are definitely valid reasons why a sexual might be happy about it, but if he feels like you'll never cheat on him, or that you'll never like anyone other than him, or something like that--I mean, neither of those things are necessarily true. Do you maybe know why he feels special? Perhaps Nylocke and I are wrong.

 

That said, I'm definitely  not saying that the relationship is a bad thing, and I am very happy that that you've found someone that is patient with you and cares about you.

He found someone who accepts him as he comes and he also wants to give me something in return, I reckon. I mean, he's a really feminine guy, more than me, a female by sex (ok, I'm not feminine at all). Awkward, when it comes to emotions, but way more emotional than me. He likes it, because I don't give two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothing etc, He's also really possessive, but not in a bad way.
Also, what's wrong with that "never cheat on him" thing?

 

14 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I have always appreciated that my partner wasnt a high maintenance queen who constantly needed affirmation about how sexy she was or were always on a route towards being more sexy. I always valued cozy and happy more than high strung, firm, pretty and correct. 

...but the ace thing? I cant really see how that makes it better. A pinch of lust for me would be fucking great.

People tend to differ from each other.

[Starlit Sky]

22 hours ago, Yatagarasu said:

He found someone who accepts him as he comes and he also wants to give me something in return, I reckon. I mean, he's a really feminine guy, more than me, a female by sex (ok, I'm not feminine at all). Awkward, when it comes to emotions, but way more emotional than me. He likes it, because I don't give two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothing etc, He's also really possessive, but not in a bad way.
Also, what's wrong with that "never cheat on him" thing?

But not giving two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothes, etc., doesn't actually have anything to do with asexuality. There are asexuals who come on here who may wear low-cut shirts, mini-skirts--there has been more than one I've counted who used to (or currently did, at the time that I was reading their story) worked as a sex worker. Plus a lot of asexuals are very romantic.

 

I mean, I'm really glad that he likes those things about you, but they're not traits of asexuality. They're traits of you.

 

As far as the potential cheating--it's because asexuals CAN cheat on their partners, either sexually (for one reason or another) or romantically.

[Yatagarasu]

11 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

But not giving two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothes, etc., doesn't actually have anything to do with asexuality. There are asexuals who come on here who may wear low-cut shirts, mini-skirts--there has been more than one I've counted who used to (or currently did, at the time that I was reading their story) worked as a sex worker. Plus a lot of asexuals are very romantic.

 

I mean, I'm really glad that he likes those things about you, but they're not traits of asexuality. They're traits of you.

 

As far as the potential cheating--it's because asexuals CAN cheat on their partners, either sexually (for one reason or another) or romantically.

I wouldn't cheat on him. Why would I? Romantically? Is that even possible? I don't look at other people, I don't even feel like doing so. I appreciate the aesthetic value of an individual, but nothing more. He can truly have me only for himself.

I don't know why an asexual would seek sex outside the relationship.

[Lara Black]

19 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

But not giving two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothes, etc., doesn't actually have anything to do with asexuality. There are asexuals who come on here who may wear low-cut shirts, mini-skirts--there has been more than one I've counted who used to (or currently did, at the time that I was reading their story) worked as a sex worker. Plus a lot of asexuals are very romantic.

 

I mean, I'm really glad that he likes those things about you, but they're not traits of asexuality. They're traits of you.

 

As far as the potential cheating--it's because asexuals CAN cheat on their partners, either sexually (for one reason or another) or romantically.

I agree with that. A woman doesn’t have to be asexual to express little or no interest in flirting, make-up, lingerie etc. I’m sexual, yet I don’t care at all for any of those feminine things. Same as my sexual orientation has nothing to do with whether or not I’m likely to cheat on my partner. It’s all about personality.  

 

Yatagarasu, it might be that your partner means what he says in the best way possible. But for many of us it sound just… wrong.

[Shadowstepper]

If I can present a different viewpoint, long before knowing what an asexual is and that I am one, my wife very much liked that the sensations I felt were for her and her alone.

 

Not in that she knew I would never leave, or that I would never cheat, but in that somehow she was special to me in a way that no other woman could be.

 

For a while, we explored an open relationship, and despite her willingness and even desire to have me be with another woman, she like that no matter what (or who) I did, she was the only one that could make me feel the way she did.

 

There was no possession implied, it simply made her feel good that she was indeed special to me.

[Starlit Sky]

22 hours ago, Yatagarasu said:

I wouldn't cheat on him. Why would I? Romantically? Is that even possible? I don't look at other people, I don't even feel like doing so. I appreciate the aesthetic value of an individual, but nothing more. He can truly have me only for himself.

I don't know why an asexual would seek sex outside the relationship.

I'm not saying that you would cheat on him, I'm saying that being asexual does not prevent you from cheating on him. Whether or not it's possible for you to develop romantic feelings for another person whilst in a relationship I don't know, but yes, it's possible for many people.

 

Anyway, a reason I can think of, that I've heard of happening, is that they don't actually know that they're asexual. Maybe they seek sex outside the relationship to see if it feels any different--to see if they're just with the wrong person, basically.

[Shadowstepper]

22 hours ago, Yatagarasu said:

I wouldn't cheat on him. Why would I? Romantically? Is that even possible?

It is. I know a girl that claims she "only cheats emotionally, never physically".

[Yatagarasu]

15 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

I'm not saying that you would cheat on him, I'm saying that being asexual does not prevent you from cheating on him. Whether or not it's possible for you to develop romantic feelings for another person whilst in a relationship I don't know, but yes, it's possible for many people.

 

4 minutes ago, Shadowstepper said:

It is. I know a girl that claims she "only cheats emotionally, never physically".

This doesn't make sense to me. Maybe that's because I'm quite emotionally retarded (:3 _ )=

 

16 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

Anyway, a reason I can think of, that I've heard of happening, is that they don't actually know that they're asexual. Maybe they seek sex outside the relationship to see if it feels any different--to see if they're just with the wrong person, basically.

Yes, but I definitely know I'm asexual and that doesn't apply to people who are aware of it.

[Shadowstepper]

1 minute ago, Yatagarasu said:

 

This doesn't make sense to me. Maybe that's because I'm quite emotionally retarded (:3 _ )=

 

 

It didn't make much sense to me either.

I was like "isn't that the one that matters most?"

[Starlit Sky]

3 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

Yes, but I definitely know I'm asexual and that doesn't apply to people who are aware of it.

It could if they were, for example, intoxicated, and / or hadn't fully accepted it.

 

But to be honest, I think you may be missing my point. My point isn't that asexuality is a bad thing, my point is that your boyfriend saying he likes your "asexuality" because you don't give two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothing etc, shows a certain amount of ignorance about your sexuality. If he believes any of that has something to do with your orientation, then there's something he's not understanding about it.

 

A lot of people don't understand it, and it's not an attack on him. Even asexuals sometimes don't realize that those things aren't inherent to their sexuality for some time. But yes, it is a problem, because the root cause of it is the major lack of visibility that asexuality has experienced.

[Yatagarasu]

5 minutes ago, Shadowstepper said:

It didn't make much sense to me either.

I was like "isn't that the one that matters most?"

That entire concept of being asexual = may cheat doesn't make any sense to me either. Like, what's the point of cheating when you are with the one you love? "Emotional cheating" is something way beyond my comprehension.

 

1 minute ago, Starlit Sky said:

It could if they were, for example, intoxicated, and / or hadn't fully accepted it.

 

But to be honest, I think you may be missing my point. My point isn't that asexuality is a bad thing, my point is that your boyfriend saying he likes your "asexuality" because you don't give two ducks about romance, fangirling, revealing clothing etc, shows a certain amount of ignorance about your sexuality. If he believes any of that has something to do with your orientation, then there's something he's not understanding about it.

 

A lot of people don't understand it, and it's not an attack on him. Even asexuals sometimes don't realize that those things aren't inherent to their sexuality for some time. But yes, it is a problem, because the root cause of it is the major lack of visibility that asexuality has experienced

He likes me as a person and I don't care much about ignorance. He tries as much as he can and it's rather to be appreciated, not demonized. Maybe I don't fit in this community, I have no idea.

[Starlit Sky]

1 minute ago, Yatagarasu said:

That entire concept of being asexual = may cheat doesn't make any sense to me either. Like, what's the point of cheating when you are with the one you love? "Emotional cheating" is something way beyond my comprehension.

I "get it," in the sense that I know of reasons why a person might do it, but I don't really understand it on a more personal, emotional level. That said, I will say that when a person cheats (whether they're asexual or not), often times it's because they don't totally love their partner, and frequently stems from a "What if they're not 'the one'?" kind of thought process.

 

2 minutes ago, Yatagarasu said:

He likes me as a person and I don't care much about ignorance. He tries as much as he can and it's rather to be appreciated, not demonized. Maybe I don't fit in this community, I have no idea.

No, you fit just fine. It's okay to not care about the ignorance, in my opinion--but visibility is important nonetheless. If you don't care about the "politics" involved in promoting asexual awareness, then that's completely okay, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, for the people who are concerned about it (and I am)? I mean, we tend to point out things like this. It's not to hurt you or anyone else, it's to educate and help people--all people--to understand what asexuality really is.

[Yatagarasu]

5 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

I "get it," in the sense that I know of reasons why a person might do it, but I don't really understand it on a more personal, emotional level. That said, I will say that when a person cheats (whether they're asexual or not), often times it's because they don't totally love their partner, and frequently stems from a "What if they're not 'the one'?" kind of thought process.

Yet, asexuals are less likely to cheat, I reckon. Especially if you fall in that grey area of aromanticism. I personally don't understand cheating, because that means there's lack of communication between two people.

 

18 minutes ago, Starlit Sky said:

No, you fit just fine. It's okay to not care about the ignorance, in my opinion--but visibility is important nonetheless. If you don't care about the "politics" involved in promoting asexual awareness, then that's completely okay, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, for the people who are concerned about it (and I am)? I mean, we tend to point out things like this. It's not to hurt you or anyone else, it's to educate and help people--all people--to understand what asexuality really is.

Of course it is. I came here because I wanted to understand myself better and because I struggle with emotions and I questioned my relationship many times before. I definitely feel educated and now things make much more sense to me. 

[Chimeric]

I don't identify as ace or ace-spectrum, but my partner does, and I mentioned in another thread that I find that very attractive, in a bizarre way.

 

Absolutely understand the red flag thing. That whole concept sort of flies in the face of what being asexual is, from my (albeit limited) understanding.

 

But for me, what it boils down to is that he is equipped with a unique and thoroughly interesting perspective that ultimately brings a lot to my life. So, it's attraction in a general sense; I love our conversations, I love how he challenges me intellectually, I love that he's opened my eyes to a whole community of people (hi, howdy =) ). And, it's (obviously) a big part of who he is, and I love him, so to me, it's completely natural that I would find his identity attractive.

It makes me feel special in that I recognize this perspective is rare, and that he's chosen to open up to me in particular is a really neat thing.

I do also rest easy knowing that he isn't going to cheat on me, but that's because of the values he holds, not because of his orientation.

I'm glad your partner likes your orientation, OP. The others have voiced valid concerns, but I wanted to add my two cents in as well; maybe you'll find it a little bit reassuring, I dunno. =)

[gisiebob]

omg, internet. you would probably think enjoying the taste of cheatos to be a red flag.

 

I'm glad you have someone who cares about you and who you can care about, yatagarasu

[Yatagarasu]

On 2017/12/15 at 3:36 AM, gisiebob said:

omg, internet. you would probably think enjoying the taste of cheatos to be a red flag.

One of the reasons why I don't understand the red flag thing

 

On 2017/12/14 at 6:13 PM, Chimeric said:

I'm glad your partner likes your orientation, OP. The others have voiced valid concerns, but I wanted to add my two cents in as well; maybe you'll find it a little bit reassuring, I dunno. =)

I'm not worried at all, but thank you ~

[Nylocke]

On 12/10/2017 at 1:53 PM, Yatagarasu said:

Could you elaborate?

I don't remember the name of that youtuber but I think she did quit her channel due to alot of harassment. I think you'd have to look for the first person on youtube to really talk about aromantic asexual as an orientation.

[Yatagarasu]

@Nylocke either way, I don't really have to worry :3