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Conchobar

Hello. Please send hugs

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Conchobar

Hello all.

I've only just discovered this community, I'm hoping you can help.

I am a hyper-sexual. When my wife and I first got together, she was too. For our first year there was never a missed chance for some naked fun. Since the birth of our daughter, her sex drive has disappeared. What was daily became monthly, and has slowly decreased from there. She now has sexual urges maybe once every two months, and even then health issues throw a spanner in the works. (She has severe cramps if she climaxes)

I love her, I still want to spend my entire life with her. But I sometime feel depressed because I can make her randy anymore. TV shows and movies always use a lack of sex as a symptom of a failing relationship, and sometimes it worries me. 

I know there's nothing wrong. We're just both wired differently, but some days (like today) it can make me feel like I'm failing as a husband.

I guess I just need to hear from others in a similar spot to reassure me that it's not anything I've done wrong.

Thanks

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PoisonPoppy

Hey, 

You said that it was after the birth of your daughter, chances are that its loss of libido due to hormones (especially if she breastfeeds). It happens to many new mommys (also explains the cramping). Its nothing to do with you or how you are as a husband. Id suggest her seeing a doctor if it is that. 

IF she is asexual though maybe ask her about it? Though from what I think its just that as a new mum its stressful and hard.

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Treesarepretty

Congratulations on finding another hypersexual, and I am sorry about the change. 😣

 

I am with @PoisonPoppy on this: it sounds like a hormonal issue that will likely go away later. I would suggest going to see a physician first, before suggesting asexuality, because the asexuals here describe asexuality as something inborn. 

 

Have some :cake: and feel better. 

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festiff

how long ago was the birth of your daughter?

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Conchobar

I thought hormones at first. But as Abbey is almost 6, that doesn't seem as likely anymore. 

Apologies if I upset anyone by playing fast and loose with categories, after my ASD had it official diagnosis changed the 5th time I stopped caring about what categories fit, asexual isn't quite right, but its close enough for me. I don't mean to offend, correctly labelling just doesn't matter to me.

We have spoken a few times in the past, but haven't found a solution yet. It's partly physical, partly self-image, partly mental.

Thanks for the support

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Telecaster68

Conchobar

 

Can I ask what it is you miss about sex? Is it emotional, or just physical? Do you feel like you're failing as a husband because you're not attractive enough to her? Not providing for her needs? 

 

Is it possible she doesn't want sex because of the cramping issue, and would rather just avoid it completely than run the risk of what sounds like horrible pain? Does your distress seem to bother her at all? Does she even know how much is affecting you? 

 

A lot of questions I know! 

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WhyCantIBeACat

@Conchobar I'm really sorry to hear about your situation - consider the hugs sent.

 

Some women do naturally experience reduced desire after having a child, and this may be related. 

 

However, I think there is a chance that there is a medical root cause to her feelings. The cramps are probably very painful and act as a disincentive to orgasm. Even the risk of accidental orgasm may have put her off any sex. Engaging in sex knowing that she could not allow herself orgasm almost certainly meant that she never felt satisfied, and maybe even have been getting more and more frustrated over time, especially since she knows what it used to be like.

 

I would certainly try to persuade her to get the cramps investigated - it is a sign that something is wrong and should be looked in case it is a symptom of something more serious, at least. Then you can go from there. 

 

Try not to associate the lack of sex with a lack of love. She almost certainly does still love you but can't show it physically, for now at least.

 

Try to focus on other ways you can show your love to each other - see the compromise thread for ideas. 

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MrDane

If sex is painful, then sex is no fun and not something she looks forward to. Could you tell her about your needs? Perhaps she could be intimate with you in ways that would: 

a. Give you the feeling of getting sex, though only specific sex-things which she can do with no pain and perhaps only give?

b. Give her the opportunity to participate on a level, that would fit her best. See how the body works that day.

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