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(NEED AN OPINION) The importance of sexual experience to my (sexual) partner


Confused.Kitten

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Confused.Kitten

I'll try to be quick and simple. I'm in a 2 year relationship with my bestfriend , who turned out to be a really sexual dude. I'm a demi girl with a kinda low libido... even tho I love him, there are times I just can't get in the mood of wanting something back . Some time I even feel some touch dysphoria when it comes to my bottom parts. So yeah, Im a weird girl when it comes to getting physical... But thank god , I have a understanding boyfriend, who doesnt push me into stuff, loves me and takes care of me like a baby kitten ^-^

 

But there's a thing... I know we are just 19 yo but we kinda feel this might be a really long term relationship. We have had our turn of ups and downs and somehow that made us stronger. If a few months ago we were deciding to break up - we did, but he regreted it once he saw me in the next day - now both of us know we want (and need) eachother exacly how we are now. We have a weird kind of love... There's a lot of affection, it's a fact. But there's love putting all together. Anyway... Moving on... We feel this might be IT . We dont like to think much bout it but it's a mutual feeling.

 

The thing is... He kinda feels some frustration for not having experienced some stuff before meeting "the one". With this I mean mostly 3somes. I know how he wants one, he doesnt have to say it. And I cant blame him for feeling curious. He tells me it's okay and that I'm worth more than some minutes of fun. Since he wouldn't do that without me, he said he knows it's not going to happen. And that makes me feel kind of weird... Part of me, wants him to have that experience... To be happy, end the frustration... Even tho  I dont want to be with another guy or hook up with a girl,  I dont really want him and take this as something impossible , u see? Makes me feel kinda bad as I'm holding him back.

 

I would like to do it, mostly for him... but I really would, I just dont know if I can for now :P

So idk... what are your thoughts about all this? 

 
 
 
 
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I used to be in the same position as your BF... 

 

The best thing to do is just try and feel as comfortable as you can. I went for over a year without sex with my partner and was really frustrated.. I used to just deal with it with a healthy dose of pr0n daily. 

 

Female sexuality is very different from men's, and can take much longer than men's to develop. 

 

What I would suggest you do is just find other ways to let him know he is loved, and not give him any grief for masturbating etc, and perhaps know that for a lot of women sexual desire does not peak until mid 30s.. 

 

The more of a deal you make out of things the worse it can get. He will have to learn to just sort himself out and accept you are the way you are (which it sounds like he has already done), and you need to not feel any pressure, and worrying about his appetite or desire is as bad as him pressuring you.. All that pressure is just a turn off. 

 

Just accept that he has desires, but love means more to him than sex, and just do your best to enjoy yourself, and not worry.. Also, don't go out in the morning, and come back to early if you don't want to walk in on a half naked man in front of a monitor full of pr0n, and a very red face.<grin>..

 

Me and my ex split up for other reasons, and now the rolls have reversed.. I am asexual, and she, well... I don't know how to be polite, but she has a sizeable libido, and has no problem finding people to help her quench the need <grin>..

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Although I can't really relate to your situation, if I were in your shoes, I'd do what I feel most comfortable with.

 

If he doesn't want to do it without you and you don't want to do it with another guy/girl, then don't do it. You sound like you are happy together, so there's no problem :)

 

If however you feel like this is becoming an important issue for him (or you, or both of you) then perhaps you could talk about it together and come to an arrangement. 

How far are you willing to go? What are you willing to do, and with whom? Is it somehting you want to do now or in a couple of years? 

 

Though really, if it's only my opinion, I would leave things as they are because you sound happy the way you are. 

 

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Confused.Kitten
26 minutes ago, G0D said:

Just accept that he has desires, but love means more to him than sex, and just do your best to enjoy yourself, and not worry.. Also, don't go out in the morning, and come back to early if you don't want to walk in on a half naked man in front of a monitor full of pr0n, and a very red face.<grin>..

We have a sex life ... Not a bad one I think! I like to please him even when not in mood, I love to love him and make him happy , I really do ... But there are this "extreme" desires like 3somes that I don't know if I will ever be able to fulfill.

 

20 minutes ago, Kersenne said:

If however you feel like this is becoming an important issue for him (or you, or both of you) then perhaps you could talk about it together and come to an arrangement. 

How far are you willing to go? What are you willing to do, and with whom? Is it somehting you want to do now or in a couple of years? 

 

That's what I thought! I'm just afraid of being scared in the middle of trying it, you know? It's weird

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10 minutes ago, Confused.Kitten said:

That's what I thought! I'm just afraid of being scared in the middle of trying it, you know? It's weird

Perhaps you could set boundaries, agree before hand to what you're comfortable with, and what you absolutely don't want to do? And if you decide to try and find out in the middle of it that you don't want to do it anymore, then it's alright as well. You shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable doing :) 

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To be honest with you, him wanting a three-way isn't the same as him wanting sex . . . and by that I mean at the end of the day, it's just not as important. At all. It files under that list of things you would really want to do before you die, such as live in another country, rap in front of a live audience, or skydive. I would like to live in New York one day, but I don't know if I will. I would like to live in California one day, but I don't know if I will. I would like to stay in the U.K. for a while, but I don't know if I will. When the time comes and I'm on my death bed, then will I regret having not done those things? Possibly. But if my choice had been between them and my true love, then I would have ultimately made the right choice, and I wouldn't regret it!

 

Still, I understand your frustration with the situation, but I encourage you to try not to let it bother you. Try as hard as you can, because at the end of the day, you're only nineteen. You guys have more than enough time. :)

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WhyCantIBeACat
21 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

To be honest with you, him wanting a three-way isn't the same as him wanting sex . . . and by that I mean at the end of the day, it's just not as important. At all. It files under that list of things you would really want to do before you die, such as live in another country, rap in front of a live audience, or skydive. I would like to live in New York one day, but I don't know if I will. I would like to live in California one day, but I don't know if I will. I would like to stay in the U.K. for a while, but I don't know if I will. When the time comes and I'm on my death bed, then will I regret having not done those things? Possibly. But if my choice had been between them and my true love, then I would have ultimately made the right choice, and I wouldn't regret it!

I fully agree.

 

If he's immature enough that he's willing to risk his relationship with you for the sake of a threesome then he doesn't value your relationship very highly.

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I pretty much agree with @Starlit Sky . I think a lot of young (sexual) guys (and girls) fantasise about being in a threesome... But for most people, that's what it is - a fantasy. In reality I don't think that's something many people find themselves in the position to experience, even if they want it. As @WhyCantIBeACat said, if it gets to the point he'd rather risk (or end) your relationship to pursue his fantasy of a 3some (and any other sexual desires/fantasies he might feel) then I'm not sure you can confidently say he considers you "the one". At the end of the day, if he loves you and feels serious about you, then he should be willing to sacrifice the possibility of that or anything else. I definitely don't think you should feel pressured to engage in anything he wants that makes you uncomfortable, that's not something that is a "compromise", that's just you having a boundary and him accepting that. From the sounds of things, he's prioritising you and his relationship with you over those desires and that's great - if that's what he says to you when you discuss it, then I think you should take that as truth and not worry so much. From the sounds of things you guys communicate pretty well, which is great :) I wish you and him all the best!

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On 11/30/2017 at 12:25 PM, Confused.Kitten said:

@Starlit Sky You made my heart smile :3

I'm happy to have helped you maybe understand it from a different angle. <3

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  • 2 weeks later...

It sounds like he's kinda immature. This is why I never bothered to date much in my youth because of stuff like this.

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On 12/10/2017 at 8:15 AM, Nylocke said:

It sounds like he's kinda immature. This is why I never bothered to date much in my youth because of stuff like this.

Well, he is nineteen :P

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/11/2017 at 12:15 PM, Starlit Sky said:

Well, he is nineteen :P

 

There's you're answer :P immaturity to the max xD

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