My 1st question: Fear/Repulsion of Sex or Ace?

[Chrissy Noelle]

Whenever I think about sex, usually just the act of it and not actually doing it with a specific person (sometimes I may consciously wonder about it but not actually want it from a real person) usually I get this overwhelming repulsion or underlying fear. I've never felt "nothing" like a lot of other aces have said, but I've never had a positive feeling or desire for it. It depends on my mindset if it's just unoticeably annoying or fear consuming.

 

I've been aroused once after a creepy Internet guy put in a lot of effort to be sexual, but I know that's different from sexual attraction now, not to mention I also hated that sensation.

 

There may be contributing factors to this such as having been a Christian and growing up with "sex is taboo, only have sex when you want kids" sort of doctrine, learning to be disgusted by it and etc. There are also traumatizing effects from when a scary person much older than me on the Internet stuck to me for about three months.

 

So my question is: How would I know if I'm just repressing sex desires or if I don't even have any? People saying "You just know" doesn't really help since there are outside factors that could be affecting me and clouding my judgement.

 

I would also like to note I have never had sex and don't plan on it as of now.

[banoffeepie]

So if you get an answer and the answer is that you are repressing sexual desires what will you want to do?  Unrepress them?  Doesn't sound like you want to do that.

 

I'm not sure it matters that much to me and I could certainly ask myself the same question. I don't want sex ... now, today that's my current state and I'm very happy about that. So to me I will just live my life totally happy about that regardless of why I'm like that.

For me it wouldn't have any value finding out why. The future may reveal different feelings ... maybe you're grey .. you won't know until all the right circumstances converge.

Why not embrace how you feel now and just enjoy the comfort of not having to do sexual stuff?

[Chrissy Noelle]

8 minutes ago, banoffeepie said:

So if you get an answer and the answer is that you are repressing sexual desires what will you want to do?  Unrepress them?  Doesn't sound like you want to do that.

 

I'm not sure it matters that much to me and I could certainly ask myself the same question. I don't want sex ... now, today that's my current state and I'm very happy about that. So to me I will just live my life totally happy about that regardless of why I'm like that.

For me it wouldn't have any value finding out why. The future may reveal different feelings ... maybe you're grey .. you won't know until all the right circumstances converge.

Why not embrace how you feel now and just enjoy the comfort of not having to do sexual stuff?

That's very true. Sex is not in my priorities (whether I have desires for it or not) or even has any physical effect on my life right now. However a lot of times my brain will do a backflip even though I have taken that into consideration before. I may think again "But what if you are repressing yourself and refusing to acknowledge you feel!" And I go slightly haywire.

 

Fact being, I do just really want to know which one it would be. If I can't figure something out it's very hard for me to just say "Welp, guess this is just how it is", and go on not knowing why. You did say you feel you don't need to know why, and I agree that continuing on trying to figure it out when it's unecessary is the flag to stop and accept that you feel this way, because you may never know why.

But I want to at least know the inside of my mind if it's at all possible. Maybe I won't ever know. But since this only affects my mind and I'm passionate about knowing myself, I'm likely to look for the truth even if it's something I don't like.

 

If I am repressing I'm not going to just instantly go bang someone and say "I am no longer repressed." I would know I have sexual desires and know when it's a good idea to have sex, and build up the confidence to do it when the time is right, as well as know that sex is not repulsive if my suppression leaves. Or just never have sex but have sex desires and think "I want to have sex with this person. But I will not since [insert reason here]."

 

But you have a very true point that I'll remember. 

[banoffeepie]

4 minutes ago, Chrissy Noelle said:

"But what if you are repressing yourself and refusing to acknowledge you feel!" And I go slightly haywire.

I understand the dilemma.. it's probable that you'll never really know .. Like some people find out they're adopted and spend huge amounts of effort trying to find their parents when all records have been lost!

Maybe describing yourself as grey and then waiting to see if anyone connects deeply and emotionally in such a way that sexual reaction occurs would allow that doorway to sex to remain slightly open. Perhaps that would calm down the anxiety for now.

[Chrissy Noelle]

11 minutes ago, banoffeepie said:

I understand the dilemma.. it's probable that you'll never really know .. Like some people find out they're adopted and spend huge amounts of effort trying to find their parents when all records have been lost!

Maybe describing yourself as grey and then waiting to see if anyone connects deeply and emotionally in such a way that sexual reaction occurs would allow that doorway to sex to remain slightly open. Perhaps that would calm down the anxiety for now.

Yes, I might just do that. Maybe this question will have to sit for awhile while I go find answers to other ones. Maybe not. Either way, for now I'm leaning farther to grey as I learn more so far.

[Stheg]

You mention growing up in a Christian background with a very strong "sex is taboo" doctrine. I wouldn't call that possibly a contributing factor, I would say it almost definitely is a contributing factor and probably more so than you might realize. 

 

Regardless, does it really matter? You can be asexual either way. You can even leave yourself open to the opportunity of having sex if a future partner wants it and still be asexual. 

[Chrissy Noelle]

18 minutes ago, Stheg said:

You mention growing up in a Christian background with a very strong "sex is taboo" doctrine. I wouldn't call that possibly a contributing factor, I would say it almost definitely is a contributing factor and probably more so than you might realize. 

 

Regardless, does it really matter? You can be asexual either way. You can even leave yourself open to the opportunity of having sex if a future partner wants it and still be asexual. 

Hm, yes. I didn't think about my future partner to be honest (selfish, oops). But that's okay, I know now. 

 

And on on another note, I was thinking: would the difference between repression and being ace be something like this?:

 

Repression: "Sex is evil and bad and I should be ashamed to think about doing it!"

 

Ace: "...Sex? That sounds kind of pointless and maybe gross ?"

 

Edit: I failed to point out that I've grown almost completely away from my Christian background and no longer think sex is evil. I just have some repulsion for it. Sorry for not clarifying!

[Stheg]

I think there's probably more to it than that, but that's a good simplistic way of looking at it.

 

Even if you've grown away from your Christian upbringing, it still likely impacts your views on sex and that's not necessarily a good or a bad thing. I personally find the topic very interesting both from a personal perspective and from a research perspective. 

[Chrissy Noelle]

10 minutes ago, Stheg said:

I think there's probably more to it than that, but that's a good simplistic way of looking at it.

 

Even if you've grown away from your Christian upbringing, it still likely impacts your views on sex and that's not necessarily a good or a bad thing. I personally find the topic very interesting both from a personal perspective and from a research perspective. 

Whatever the opinions, it's always still very interesting. 

 

If it is the basics I feel like it'd be more likely for me to be ace than repressed, even if past religion is still affecting me. It just seems to me that I would fit into that category more than the other, due to other things that have happened/I have (or have not) experienced before. It does make things clearer looking at it like that.

[Starlit Sky]

It's hard to say. I can tell you from experience that you not liking the sensation of arousal doesn't actually have anything to do with whether or not you're asexual, and from what you've said I think it's fairly likely that you're repressing your sexuality. Now, whether or not that's a bad thing just depends on whether or not you one day realize that you want to have a sexual relationship--and also whether or not you come to the conclusion that you are, in fact, asexual. And there's not a thing wrong with that if you are!

 

If anyone says "you just know" to this, then you can just know that they don't know what they're talking about. Life is confusing. Sometimes people really do just know what they're sexualities are. Sometimes they don't know until they try. Sometimes they figure out when they're young, sometimes they figure out when they're old, and sometimes it remains a mystery till the day they die.

 

I will say that if you ever come to a point where some part of you desires sex--even if a lot of you doesn't--then that is a marker of allosexuality. You might not ever find anyone sexually attractive--I don't, but I can still desire sex in certain situations and if I'm in the right mood. I also think that saying you're gray is a good way to go--many people start off saying that they're in the gray area of the spectrum, until they become more comfortable with their sexualities.

[knittinghistorian]

5 hours ago, Chrissy Noelle said:

There may be contributing factors to this such as having been a Christian and growing up with "sex is taboo, only have sex when you want kids" sort of doctrine, learning to be disgusted by it and etc.

I also experienced this, and here’s my theory. Maybe that upbringing made me MORE sex-repulsed than I would have been otherwise, but I don’t think it can be the whole story. Because most people with a religious upbringing go on and desire sex anyway. Desire kicks in and overrides the “sex is bad!” reflex (though of course, lots of people choose to wait and control the desire anyway, but for moral reasons, not for reasons of not actually wanting sex). If that kind of upbringing could make one asexual, there would be WAAAAAY more religious asexuals out there than non-religious, but there aren’t.

[Chrissy Noelle]

3 hours ago, Starlit Sky said:

It's hard to say. I can tell you from experience that you not liking the sensation of arousal doesn't actually have anything to do with whether or not you're asexual, and from what you've said I think it's fairly likely that you're repressing your sexuality. Now, whether or not that's a bad thing just depends on whether or not you one day realize that you want to have a sexual relationship--and also whether or not you come to the conclusion that you are, in fact, asexual. And there's not a thing wrong with that if you are!

I'll keep reply that note about arosual in mind, I didn't think about that.

 

Whether I want a sexual relationship in the future remains to be seen, I suppose. I wish I knew now but that ain't gonna help. Hopefully whatever sexuality I realize I am I'll learn to live with it. 

 

39 minutes ago, knittinghistorian said:

6 hours ago, Chrissy Noelle said:

 

I also experienced this, and here’s my theory. Maybe that upbringing made me MORE sex-repulsed than I would have been otherwise, but I don’t think it can be the whole story. Because most people with a religious upbringing go on and desire sex anyway. Desire kicks in and overrides the “sex is bad!” reflex (though of course, lots of people choose to wait and control the desire anyway, but for moral reasons, not for reasons of not actually wanting sex). If that kind of upbringing could make one asexual, there would be WAAAAAY more religious asexuals out there than non-religious, but there aren’t.

That's true. However I think I just noticed a difference in myself from looking at what you said. Whenever I encounter something sex-related lately, I usually just...move on. I notice I've never thought about wanting it or doing it.

 

As opposed to when I had "the talk" and when I was still firmly Christian, I would think or say "EWWWW GET RID OF THAT! IT'S BAD!" to some degree. That was definitely surpression and blocking off any possible way to become sexually attracted, but now it's different.

 

I only get uncomfortable when any of my family is looking at something and it pops up there. I get really awkward because I know they don't want that around while I just ignore it without comment (or any positive thoughts for it).That is definitely a side effect of the upbringing, but I'm not actually suppressing anything because nothing is there. I may be unconsciously waiting for my parents to say "Why'd you turn this on? (Even if I didn't) Do you like this? Are you horny?"

 

Im starting to notice and realize effects of both ace and suppression, yet some seem to be in the past and not now?

[Stheg]

4 hours ago, knittinghistorian said:

I also experienced this, and here’s my theory. Maybe that upbringing made me MORE sex-repulsed than I would have been otherwise, but I don’t think it can be the whole story. Because most people with a religious upbringing go on and desire sex anyway. Desire kicks in and overrides the “sex is bad!” reflex (though of course, lots of people choose to wait and control the desire anyway, but for moral reasons, not for reasons of not actually wanting sex). If that kind of upbringing could make one asexual, there would be WAAAAAY more religious asexuals out there than non-religious, but there aren’t.

There are also plenty of religiously brought up hyper sexuals. Coming from an insular religious background doesn't exactly facilitate learning about asexuality either.

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 29.11.2017 at 8:24 PM, banoffeepie said:

So if you get an answer and the answer is that you are repressing sexual desires what will you want to do?  Unrepress them?  Doesn't sound like you want to do that.

This is very much what I feel about it. Something I have repeatedly said: I consider not wanting to want to have sex more defining than simply not wanting to have sex. I may have repressed feelings I had because of my chronic illness and unattractiveness. But the very thought about "unrepressing" them feels revolting. This would equal sexual violence against myself.

The only problem I have with this is that this kind of "cherished repression" which is very much unaccepted in society. I'm not going to let anybody force me to "unrepress", but this social hostility lets me realize that, unfortunately, the asexual community and some open-minded friends are the only ones to whom I can talk about such feelings. Almost all the world outside is eager to force their "unrepresssion" down out throats.