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I don't think I enjoy kissing, is the underlying cause sexuality or past relationship?


Nyoom

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I recently entered a new relationship since leaving my old, borderline abusive relationship in October 2016. My new partner remimds me of my ex every time he leans in for a kiss and it is ruining our relationship.

In the last relationship, I did not enjoy kissing my partner. I wasn't sexually attracted to them at all, and when they would lean in for a kiss, they made me want to vomit.

As someone who doesn't know how to say "no", I just endured it and went through the motions of being a good girlfriend. I did not even identify as part of the AVEN community back then. (Straight by default) I felt pressured to engage in activities sexual in nature because I didn't have a valid reason to say no. My partner respected my wishes of not wanting to engage in penetrative sex, but he has groped me and lifted my shirt (or skirt, if I was wearing one that day) up on multiple occasions. Again, I felt almost pressured to engage at the time so I consented (on multiple occasions it was done without consent). 

(There was also emotional abuse that made me believe that he would not be able to be functional(?) if I broke up with him but that is for another story.) 

I think that closed-mouth kissing in general is very romantic. However, when I do it, I feel like I'm being attacked. (French kissing is out of the question.)

 

 

Tl;dr, it was very unhealthy and that was a part of the reason why it took me a year to feel confident enough to enter another relationship again. I still have emotional and boundary issues.

My question is, have all those months of forced 'favors' (including kissing) made me repulsed by the idea of kissing, or do you guys think that my sexuality plays into this as well?

 

 

Sorry for the long post, thank you so much for reading this :)

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Dealing with baggage from a past relationship is a real thing. Sometimes it does kill the following relationship(s) until you can get over it; if you even can, or you find a partner that's compatible with your (new) boundries. But it is a mild thing for asexuals to not be into making out. But as you said, it could be trauma from your past relationship.

 

Closed mouth kissing? You mean chaste kissing? Or non-french kissing i.e. making out only on the lips? (not like it matters) Either way, if your partner's too intense you need to tell them. A relationship is about two people, NOT one. You consider each other's needs and try to meet in the middle if you comfortably can. You need to stick up for yourself. If they can't abide by your boundries then it's time to move on to the next; it's as simple as that. You need to learn when to cut the cord, otherwise you're gonna end up with years wasted down the drain on bad partners you tried to change or suffice with. What you need is a partner that respects your boundries and doesn't try to just take things. But before you enter your next relationship it seems you need to do some self building first. And not the quick kind. Maybe the therapy level kind, but certainly enough so you have a pillar to stand on when you talk and not a brittle box. You need to have a grasp on your own values and desires and be able to then vocalize them to others, which are two different things and can take quite some time to develop on your own. You need some self building before you can start building anything healthy with anyone else. I hear Asexual friendly therapists are more typically LGBT one's.

 

From what you've said, your new partner doesn't sound very considerate; otherwise he'd be taking things slow and trying to explore what you are and aren't ok with. If he has trouble comprehending the trauma then compare it to rape. He needs to slowly explore and constantly ask if these actions are ok, and you need to be FULLY honest in reply. Not everyone can deal with someone who has trauma; it takes patients and withstraint. It sounds like one thing's on your partner's mind, and it's not you, it's perswading you to let him near your personal parts. Someone being nice otherwise doesn't mean they can't have a shallow motive; ANYONE can.

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@Star Bit

Thank you so much for your reply :)

My current partner is actually very considerate and asks me if I am ever uncomfortable because he knows that I can be soft spoken at times. I also haven't 'come out' to him yet because I've been 1. Too nervous (I'm thinking that I may have some type of OCD or anxiety disorder and I need to go consult a medical professional about this) 2. I'd only been dating him for less than a month. (I plan on telling him tomorrow, as I will see him then)

My old partner (the one I was describing in my post) was indeed very inconsiderate and did not respect me. I actually haven't talked to my new partner about what had happened in the past, as I feel ashamed about it. This was the first time I've told anyone about it (over the internet for everyone to see, i know ^^;).

I will take your advice and have a serious talk about my troubles with my ex when I'm brave enough to talk about it (I will try to make it as soon as possible). 

I had been thinking about going to a therapist for my mental health, and your comment made me realize that I may need it more than I thought I did. 

Again, thank you so much for replying and I hope you have a wonderful day :)

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Typing things out is an option, if it's hard to physically say anything  or you wanna make sure everything's said on the matter.

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Hermit Advocate

You'll find that there are quite a few kissing repulsed people here. Any mouth to mouth kissing is repulsive to me. I think talking to your new partner about your orientation is very important. you should never force yourself to do something in a relationship that you are not comfortable with. Therapy may be what you need, but if it doesn't work you can always talk about your problems here. Please take care of yourself, both mentally and physically.

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