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Aromantic or Biromantic?


nate-1234

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I just realized that I am asexual this week and it's little weird to get used to because I am so shocked that these feelings I had over the years actually make sense now and brings me comfort. Although I am now pretty secure in my sexual orientation, I am unsure of my romantic orientation. Since I was little I had crushes on boys and girls. I remember when I was around ten years old I was sleeping over some girl's house and she got on top of me and started to make out with me. I did not feel anything no spark or anything even though I wanted to because she was nice and cute. Then when I was in my early teens a boy asked me out and I agreed because he was sweet to me and decent looking. However, I broke up with him after a day or two because I disliked how sweaty and embarrassing hand holding was, he became far too clingy and jealous, and I disliked how he would put his hand around my waist. More recently in highschool I had two crushes on two of the most attractive masculine boys in our school (and they seemed interested in me too surprisingly) and we would stare at one another in the halls. I always thought of just kissing/making out with them, getting to know them, and some non sensual touching (touching chest, legs,face no genitals), but of course sex never even crossed my mind even when their stares were anything but innocent, I somehow did not get the hint until much later. I thought that they would never ever even think about having sex with me. I am confused because I want a relationship where we can kiss, cuddle, be sensual, talk, go to the movies, play video games etc. without sex , but it seems like when I am in a "relationship" I run away or can not stand how overbearing they can become it's like the friend/person I knew turns into someone I do not like. I should be clear a say that do want my romantic feelings reciprocated I want to be kissed and cuddled. It was just he was a basically stranger that I did not know that asked me out, so I guess now that I think back on it I  think that is why I ran away from him.

 
 
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Some thoughts:

It's possible to experience romantic attraction but not desire a relationship.

Someone could be biromantic and not want a relationship. Greyromantic/grayromantic can also be used as a term for a bunch of identities that are not fully aromantic nor fully romantic, so what you described here might fall under this. (It can also be combined: e.g. grey-biromantic)

I believe lithromantic/akoiromantic can be used to describe when someone feels romantic attraction but then loses the attraction once the feeling is reciprocated.

 

As always, whether you decide to use or not use a label is up to you. Hope this helps!

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My primary thought is that you are aromantic and bisensual. You could be sensually attracted and platonically attracted, but not romantically attracted. Sensual attraction is a thing, and can extend to kissing, depending on the person! Cool, right? I thought it was cool when I first learned.

I don't know what things are romantic to you, but this sounds more like a strong platonic, sensual relationship-- to me.

My secondary thought based on this is akoi (or lith) romantic as stated. (And also bisensual, I would think.) (And malacat did describe akoi properly, indeed :D.)

However, grey-biromantic would also work just as well.

If it's easier, you could stick to aromantic just to not complicate things. Or biromantic to say that you have crushes on both. But it's your label, and it should be whatever makes you comfortable.

 

Hope that made at least a little sense. I feel like I might have been rambling a bit...

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To title, dunno, you don't describe what you feel enough; past sensual desires. If you are romantic, it just sounds like your partners are over-reciprocating (which is a very normal turn off) and you need a low-key relationship. Losing interest in someone because they turn out otherwise is also extremely normal. Have you made out/had foreplay before? If not, you could end up desiring sex once it's been done (perhaps specifically with someone you trust and/or have a crush on). Also, when you want to do sensual actions with people, is it for your own or your partner's sexual arousal? (which would be even more likely to turn into a desire for sex once acted upon) If so, that's sexual activity and thus not asexual. And what you describe wanting is sensual (whether it's sexual or not), but you don't mention anything that makes me think you desire a relationship. Unless you do but just don't mention wanting emotional closeness with them and repeatedly wanting to have this sensual activity with them over a span of time i.e. relationship. And if these things do come to mind, are they genuinely what you want or an expectation due to society's norms. For example, a biromantic heterosexual can anticipate wanting sex with the same gender because that's how they function toward the opposite gender, as well as the two desires together being prevalent in society, but once they genuinely ask themselves "do I actually want this with them?" they say no.

 

@Hazel_Elise If someone has non-platonic desires it's not platonic attraction (aka squish aka friend crush), it's a real crush (even if it's a low-key one). Squishes also go away once the desired bond is reached; so if it stays it's a crush. And crushes also disappear due to a different reason, so the difference should be obvious there too.

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1 hour ago, Star Bit said:

To title, dunno, you don't describe what you feel enough. If you are romantic, it just sounds like your partners are over-reciprocating (which is a very normal turn off) and you need a low-key relationship. Losing interest in someone because they turn out otherwise is also extremely normal. Have you made out/had foreplay before? If not, you could end up desiring sex once it's been done (perhaps specifically with someone you trust and/or have a crush on). Also, when you want to do sensual actions with people, is it for your own or your partner's sexual arousal? (which would be even more likely to turn into a desire for sex once acted upon) If so, that's sexual activity and thus not asexual. And what you describe wanting is sensual (whether it's sexual or not), but you don't mention anything that makes me think you desire a relationship. Unless you do but just don't mention wanting emotional closeness with them and repeatedly wanting to have this sensual activity with them over a span of time i.e. relationship.

 

@Hazel_Elise If someone has non-platonic desires it's not platonic attraction (aka squish aka friend crush), it's a real crush (even if it's a low-key one). Squishes also go away once the desired bond is reached; so if it stays it's a crush. And crushes also disappear due to a different reason, so the difference should be obvious there too.

I tried heavy petting (touching genitals) with both sexes and it was boring, uncomfortable, and I do not desire it I was just curious and both sort of came on to me. When I think about sensual things it never has to do with sex or sex is never on my radar. When I think of sensual activities it's more like touching each other's body (chest,legs,face), making out, and a little biting and that's it. Yes, I do desire a relationship with emotional closeness, sensual stuff, and romantic stuff (kissing, cuddling) but not sex or any touching of each other's genitals.

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Heavy petting is not making out.

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You don't desire direct partnered genital stimulation, but as I said, you can desire indirect stimulation of it with a partner which IS STILL sexual activity. Do you want yourself or your partner to get aroused by this physical contact?

 

If you desire a relationship that's romantic.

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But I do not want any of that stuff with a potential partner. I just enjoy kissing/making out, cuddling, hugs and non sexual touching.  think that I consider making out and touching another person's body as sensual.

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That's irrelavent; theory and reality are two different things; that's exactly how responsive sexual desire works (Google it); it hast to happen IRL to be triggered. Things can seriously change that much; it's literally like a switch is flipped. (again, it may need the specific of trusting the other person and/or having a crush on them in order to be triggered). Suddenly your mind could go "yes, further" and that further making out turning to explicit sex. No specific type of sex needs to be in mind at all; just wanting partnered sexual arousal is it; whether there's direct contact down there or not.

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I know for a fact that I do not experience sexual attraction to people it never happened I never wanted to have sex with anyone I have ever met stranger or not- I thought nothing of it actually until I recently discovered asexuality. Also I am fairly certain I do not want to be with a partner that looks at me in a sexual way  or wants to have sex with me nor do I desire to have sex with them. However have desired to have a romantic relationship with someone for a long time but have not made the moves to get into one yet.

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Responsive sexual desire is not sexual attraction. Sexual people desire sex for many many reasons and come to that desire in many many ways. Most males (and a minority of females) experience sexual attraction regularly; when they look at someone and have the desire for sex emerge. Most females extremely rarely, if never, experience sexual attraction and thus desire sex for different reasons. Most females (and a minority of males) regularly experience responsive sexual desire; where either sexual arousal or foreplay hast to physically happen in order for them to suddenly desire sex. Sexual people are sexual because they desire partnered sexual activity for it's sexual or emotional pleasure; whether there's direct stimulation of the genitals or indirect stimulation. Google/YouTube Emily Nagoski (a sexologist). Not wanting to be looked at sexually when you don't desire sex is normal, but that doesn't mean you couldn't desire it.

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This Ted Talk by a sexologist explains all this. All these no's you're giving can be possible blockades preventing sexuality. Sexuality is far more complex business than many people think.

 

 

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Okay I understand, but I do not desire sex in any way and have never desired sex from my crushes that i've had though-out my life or anyone in general really. Partnered sex is just something that I am not interested in (would much rather take of myself) and I do not think that will change even if I find the one that is why I figured I was asexual.

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Again, your current interest in sex is 100% irrelavent because responsive sexual desire is literally a switch. You can literally suddenly desire sex once you've started to make out; it's how most women and a minority of men are. Some need to trust and/or have a crush on the other person in order for foreplay to trigger responsive sexual desire. Watch the video and all this will make far more sense. People can really not desire sex prior, find a partner that's really good at foreplay, and suddenly yearn for sex. That's not under the Gray umbrella, it's just called having specific foreplay needs and responsive sexual desire.

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I watched the video and it is insightful, but I do know I do not desire sex, making out for me stops at making out because I am not interested in going any further. I made out with a girl in the past and that is all I wanted I did not get a desire to have sex with her actually I wanted to stop making out and watch the movie more. I think that some people may become triggered to have sexual desire after doing sensual things but I think it is also important to acknowledge that there are people that also do not and just make out without any sexual desire even crossing their minds and even if it does they are not interested.

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-_- You never said you made out before. You made it sound like you didn't in your first reply. But was the making out under undesired cercomstances? You mention wanting to stop to watch the movie. That could've just been a mental break pedal to sexual interest. Like she said, some people need a rat spa in order for it to be triggered. Some need foreplay for a certain duration or in a specific way before it's triggered. I'm not trying to keep pushing at this, but if you had a friend who kept going "no, no, I can't possibly be into the same gender, I have to be straight, I have to be" you'd at least wanna see them to a healthier point of mind right? So just never say never. Yes, respect people on what they say, but when it's unhealthy it needs to be addressed. You could end up being Demisexual, who knows. It's not something you can call out until it actually happens.

 

And to clarify, you do not desire to make out/other sensual things for your own or your partner's sexual arousal? (never got a direct yes/no, and considering the aforementioned unclarity)

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Oh yeah I did with that one girl and to be honest it did not feel like how they portray it in novels, movies etc. I mean it was unexpected and exciting but I felt no spark kissing her it just felt like skin rubbing against skin although I really wanted to feel something because I kind of liked her and she was nice and cute.. I think I would have prefered a peck on my lips rather than making out though. But yeah I had a little crush on her but did not want sex in fact the thought never crossed my mind at the time. 

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But never say never. You could end up being Demisexual, who knows. I could too. There are no prior signs or anything for it; it just happens. There are many ways someone could turn out to be sexual and not realize it prior. You shouldn't view yourself (possibly) being allosexual as a negative thing.

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Alright but for now I strongly believe asexual definitely describes me and my feelings on partnered sex and the experiences in my life.

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Which is fine. Sorry about the misunderstanding.

 

So on a thread title relavent note, either low-key biromantic or lithromantic is what I suggest looking into.

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It's fine. Also yeah I think I am biromantic because I have had crushes on both sexes and thought about dating both. However, I do feel a little weird for liking other guys. But anyways I might look more into that, but I think I am not lithromantic because I do want my partner to reciprocate my romantic, emotional, sensual feelings I may have for them.

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@Star Bit

Okay, so, when I originally read the post, I didn't see any real description of romance in the description of the relationship, because

16 hours ago, nate-1234 said:

kiss, cuddle, be sensual, talk, go to the movies, play video games etc. without sex

can be platonic and sensual, instead of romantic.

However, since it was stated there also that he does have romantic feelings and wants them reciprocated, I see where I am wrong. But sometimes the line between platonic and romantic can be thin, so it was just my thought. That maybe it wasn't actually romantic attraction exactly. I didn't assume anything though, and I didn't want to come off that way. Sorry for misunderstanding the op.

 

Anyway, yeah, after reading all of this thread, it's probably biromantic. (In my opinion, of course, and not that my opinion matters in your identity :lol:)

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@Hazel_Elise Yes, sometimes the line between romantic and platonic can be thin, but sometimes people can get confused because their desires aren't typical, so it's still important to clarify the distinction between the two. Some people can want an atypical form of sex and be confused on whether they desire sex. Some people can want alot of platonic typical things in their relationship and be confused if they desire a relationship/feel romantically.

 

@nate-1234 Lithromantic is when reciprocation causes a negative reaction; loss of interest, aversion, repulsion. Most Liths, in my experience, DO desire reciprocation, so the popularized definition that says otherwise is wrong. But Lithromantic is actually more publicly known than you'd think; just not by name. Enough so that there are videos and articles on it, and it seems to be due to a negative self-perspective.

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18 hours ago, nate-1234 said:

I watched the video and it is insightful, but I do know I do not desire sex, making out for me stops at making out because I am not interested in going any further. I made out with a girl in the past and that is all I wanted I did not get a desire to have sex with her actually I wanted to stop making out and watch the movie more. I think that some people may become triggered to have sexual desire after doing sensual things but I think it is also important to acknowledge that there are people that also do not and just make out without any sexual desire even crossing their minds and even if it does they are not interested.

While only you can decide what labels fit, from your description it sounds like you don't experience sexual attraction, and so I think there's a good chance that you might fit within the definition of asexuality.

Sexual attraction is usually defined as having sexual feelings/desires for other people, and thus sexual attraction is what orients people's sexual desires towards other people. Responsive sexual desire is another issue, which refers to how people experience libido. It is more common among women in long-term relationships after the spontaneity of desire has diminished. However, that is a different issue from orientation. Experiencing sexual attraction is what lets you know who you want to have sex with in the first place, for example being attracted to opposite sex partners is how heterosexual people know that they might like to pursue sexual relationships with people of a certain sex/gender.

Since there is occasional confusion about the issue on this website, I emailed Emily Nagoski about responsive desire and sexual attraction in the context of asexuality. She did not indicate that there was a link, and said that she emphasizes people's own internal assessment of their sexual feelings for determining such matters.

I hope that this information is useful. I wish you the best of luck!

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50 minutes ago, Pramana said:

While only you can decide what labels fit, from your description it sounds like you don't experience sexual attraction, and so I think there's a good chance that you might fit within the definition of asexuality.

Sexual attraction is usually defined as having sexual feelings/desires for other people, and thus sexual attraction is what orients people's sexual desires towards other people. Responsive sexual desire is another issue, which refers to how people experience libido. It is more common among women in long-term relationships after the spontaneity of desire has diminished. However, that is a different issue from orientation. Experiencing sexual attraction is what lets you know who you want to have sex with in the first place, for example being attracted to opposite sex partners is how heterosexual people know that they might like to pursue sexual relationships with people of a certain sex/gender.

Since there is occasional confusion about the issue on this website, I emailed Emily Nagoski about responsive desire and sexual attraction in the context of asexuality. She did not indicate that there was a link, and said that she emphasizes people's own internal assessment of their sexual feelings for determining such matters.

I hope that this information is useful. I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you, that was helpful.

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