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WhyCantIBeACat

An Introduction and "Why I want To Be A Cat"

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WhyCantIBeACat
Hi all.
 
I've been mainly lurking on AVEN for about a month or two now and decided it was time to introduce myself a little. In fact, not so much a little, but a lot - it's a long post. I'm not expecting a response to any of this - it's been more about helping me capture my thoughts and hopefully establish some credibility to any comments I make on other posts.
 
Warning there may be TMI in here for some.
 
I'm a man based in the UK and I've been in a single monogamous relationship for around 30 years, with around the last 20 years being married. I am decidedly hetero-romantic and hetero-sexual and I probably have a more or less normal sexual appetite. (It's difficult to tell after so long but probably roughly aligned with Kinsey averages.)
 
Not to beat around the bush, sex has always been a problem for me and my wife - otherwise I wouldn't be here. Before marriage we were constrained by my wife's religious views on no sex before marriage and while we fooled around some, we never went all the way. (I was not so constrained and had previous sexual partners.)
 
After marriage the religious barrier disappeared and we consumated our relationship. However, there remained a clear difference in sexual appetite between us which grew over time. Our love and shared interests (plus masturbation) have helped me to cope for 30 years. While I mainly initiated sex (and was rejected more often than not) my wife did initiate sex from time to time.
 
My wife has always described the "sexual" scenes in films/TV programs as the "boring bits" although it did very occasionally get her "in the mood". She doesn't really understand why our friends comment on actors or other public figures being attractive or sexy. She has no interest in porn, nor has she ever masturbated as far as I am aware and she admits to only feeling a sexual desire "very rarely".
 
Over time we had two children (we must be incredibly fertile!) and after each, the sex frequency and passion reduced a little and ultimately to almost non-existence. I can probably count the number of times we have had sex in the last 10 years on my fingers (certainly fingers and toes), We have moved to the point where she almost never initiates sex, and pretty much always rejects my advances. Further, not only has the frequency declined, but even when we do have sex, what little passion there was now seems to be totally gone. My wife clearly now shows little desire or enjoyment when we do have sex, and seems to just want to have the minimum of foreplay and then get it over and done with as quickly as possible so she can get back to her book, game or get to sleep.
 
Another part of the problem is that the kids are now old enough to be staying up in the evening and need to be ferried around all over the place (and to different places), but too young to be independent. We both currently work full-time in relatively responsible and stressful jobs. In an effort to get fit we're each also out two (different) evenings during the week with various sports/exercise classes. Consequently, the amount of alone time I get with my wife has become limited and that is damaging the emotional bond as well.
 
There is a lot of focus on frequency of sex on AVEN, but for me this is not the key priority. It's more the lack of passion that is getting to me, rather than the frequency. I would rather have a mind-blowing night of passionate sex once a year, than dull, compromise sex once a week. (Although I suspect that some mind-blowing sex would increase my appetite for having it more frequently.) 
 
For me, I get as much, if not more, pleasure from satisfying my partner than from my own gratification. I really miss being able to provide this pleasure now what little foreplay and passion we previously had has now gone. I think I've reached the point where I'd rather not bother than "use" her as a sex doll.
 
Until recently I had thought that our sexual problems were mainly my fault - that I was not attractive/desirable enough, that I was not making sex an enjoyable enough experience for her or that I was not doing enough around the house (in reality I do my fair share). Then I discovered the asexuality concept in recent media articles, came here and everything is now clicking into place.
 
While I'm not supposed to give her the labels, I'm pretty sure she is a sex-neutral asexual, with mild aromantic tendancies. Fortunately she is not touch or sex repulsed and when she tells me that she loves me I really know that she does, especially now that I can separate her view on love from mine. We do enjoy frequent hugs and cuddles and even quite passionate (but short) kissing. In the past I have always been the one to try to push this into a sexual direction, and almost always been rejected. Sometimes when the frustration got too high then I would withdraw and avoid even non-sexual contact for a while, but I couldn't resist contact for more than a few days. 
 
Now that I know better, from spending the last month or two reading AVEN, I have stopped trying to push these contacts into more or from trying to initiate sex and settled for what is on offer. It is very difficult to hold back when I find her so utterly irresistible - sometimes I just look at her across the room and want to rip her clothes off and f#@& her there and then. My wildest desire is that she would feel the same about me. Fighting these feelings down all the time can be almost soul destroying. 
 
I have tried to talk to her about my frustration and desire, but while she appreciates that we have different needs, I don't think she really understands how I feel (other than in an abstract way) or the magnitude of the gap (perhaps I've been too accepting/patient over the years). After this discussion I felt really positive that the communication channel had opened and that we might be able to work towards a shared understanding of each other. However, whenever I have tried to follow up to get her perspective, she gets angry, hasn't had time to think about it, or finds other excuses. She also doesn't want to accept a "label" and even though I've pointed her in the direction of AVEN, I don't think she's come to visit.
 
She did recently sense my frustration and initiated sex, but for reasons given above it was far from satisfying, and I suspect that she now thinks my desires are satiated for another year. If there is a next time, I would probably decline the offer. 
 
Sometimes I wish I was asexual myself or I could completely suppress my desire so that our current differences would not be a problem but I don't think this would be possible.
 
Other times I wish I could have sexual gratification outside of our marriage without risking our relationship. I don't think I could go through with prostitution - the lack of emotional relationship and the guilt would be a killer and at best it would only allow temporary relief. I also don't think I could cope with having an affair or f-buddy - the risk of emotional attachment would be too high and I really love my wife. Also, without the emotional attachment then it would probably be no more satisfying than prostitution. Plus the guilt, of course.
 
At the end of the day, I love her and our children very much and our emotional, financial and social lives are way too entwined for us to split up, at least until the kids are older. She is gorgeous, intelligent, kind and wonderful in every other way.
 
I don't know how this will all pan out over the coming months. I do know that I need to get her to understand, accept and be open to discuss our differences if anything is to change. This is going to be the big challenge, and right now, I don't even know what I would actually want as a positive outcome for me. No sex, will be very difficult. Compromise sex will probably be worse in the long run. Mad, passionate mind-blowing sex with my wife is never going to happen. Sex outside of the marriage is also probably not possible without her consent, and I can't see that ever happening (the guilt would probably kill me even if she did). That leaves separation, which is probably the worst option of all.
 
Of course, the best option would be to swap lives with one of my cats. Sure they don't have sex either but they do have love, cuddles, warmth and food on demand without responsibility, stress or having to go out to work. Sounds a pretty good deal to me compared to my current position - hence my display name.
 
Why am I here? Almost all of our friends are joint friends, and there is no-one that I consider to be my friend and that I would feel comfortable talking to about this. Even though I know it's not my fault, I would feel less of a man discussing it.
 
For now, I'm going to lurk round AVEN some more, try to join the likes of @Telecaster68 and @MrDane when I have the time, providing some insight into the sexual mind by contributing to the odd discussion and see if I can help others as much as this site has helped me. At the same time, I may post for some sympathy, support or guidance while I will see where the future takes us.
 
Thanks if you've got this far,
WhyCantIBeACat
 
P.S. any typos or grammar mistakes are entirely my fault.
 

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gaogao

Welcome!! :cake: Your insights will be greatly appreciated, I think - there aren't very many sexual people here talking about their experiences and feelings and I am always interested in learning more to better understand my partner as well.

 

Also wanted to say that I have always also wondered why I can't be a cat... so at least I can definitely relate to you there...!

 

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festiff

Welcome @WhyCantIBeACat

Hope that this forum can help and be a support to you :)

 

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Cat Lady Lisa

@WhyCantIBeACat welcome to AVEN! I don't have any advice but hope you can find some support here :cake:

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Zacharie

Hello  @WhyCantIBeACat

 

As a partner you have certainly done your part on respecting her but now she also has to compromise and at least listen. Is not cool that she's being so dismissive. You both can always come to an agreement (that's what I did with my partner and we agreed on a three people relationship, he made an agreement with someone else to have sex with him regularly). Sometimes is ok not to be conventional. 

 

I don't understand also why some people have so much aversion to labels. Those are there to make others understand better what you want in life and a little bit of who you are. Don't worry, she is asexual, maybe it's natural asexual or provoked but either way she has made clear that she doesn't really like it.

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Treesarepretty

@WhyCantIBeACat, welcome. I hope you like it here. ☺ :cake: 

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MrDane
19 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:
Hi all.
 
I've been mainly lurking on AVEN for about a month or two now and decided it was time to introduce myself a little. In fact, not so much a little, but a lot - it's a long post. I'm not expecting a response to any of this - it's been more about helping me capture my thoughts and hopefully establish some credibility to any comments I make on other posts.
 
Warning there may be TMI in here for some.
 
I'm a man based in the UK and I've been in a single monogamous relationship for around 30 years, with around the last 20 years being married. I am decidedly hetero-romantic and hetero-sexual and I probably have a more or less normal sexual appetite. (It's difficult to tell after so long but probably roughly aligned with Kinsey averages.)
 
Not to beat around the bush, sex has always been a problem for me and my wife - otherwise I wouldn't be here. Before marriage we were constrained by my wife's religious views on no sex before marriage and while we fooled around some, we never went all the way. (I was not so constrained and had previous sexual partners.)
 
After marriage the religious barrier disappeared and we consumated our relationship. However, there remained a clear difference in sexual appetite between us which grew over time. Our love and shared interests (plus masturbation) have helped me to cope for 30 years. While I mainly initiated sex (and was rejected more often than not) my wife did initiate sex from time to time.
 
My wife has always described the "sexual" scenes in films/TV programs as the "boring bits" although it did very occasionally get her "in the mood". She doesn't really understand why our friends comment on actors or other public figures being attractive or sexy. She has no interest in porn, nor has she ever masturbated as far as I am aware and she admits to only feeling a sexual desire "very rarely".
 
Over time we had two children (we must be incredibly fertile!) and after each, the sex frequency and passion reduced a little and ultimately to almost non-existence. I can probably count the number of times we have had sex in the last 10 years on my fingers (certainly fingers and toes), We have moved to the point where she almost never initiates sex, and pretty much always rejects my advances. Further, not only has the frequency declined, but even when we do have sex, what little passion there was now seems to be totally gone. My wife clearly now shows little desire or enjoyment when we do have sex, and seems to just want to have the minimum of foreplay and then get it over and done with as quickly as possible so she can get back to her book, game or get to sleep.
 
Another part of the problem is that the kids are now old enough to be staying up in the evening and need to be ferried around all over the place (and to different places), but too young to be independent. We both currently work full-time in relatively responsible and stressful jobs. In an effort to get fit we're each also out two (different) evenings during the week with various sports/exercise classes. Consequently, the amount of alone time I get with my wife has become limited and that is damaging the emotional bond as well.
 
There is a lot of focus on frequency of sex on AVEN, but for me this is not the key priority. It's more the lack of passion that is getting to me, rather than the frequency. I would rather have a mind-blowing night of passionate sex once a year, than dull, compromise sex once a week. (Although I suspect that some mind-blowing sex would increase my appetite for having it more frequently.) 
 
For me, I get as much, if not more, pleasure from satisfying my partner than from my own gratification. I really miss being able to provide this pleasure now what little foreplay and passion we previously had has now gone. I think I've reached the point where I'd rather not bother than "use" her as a sex doll.
 
Until recently I had thought that our sexual problems were mainly my fault - that I was not attractive/desirable enough, that I was not making sex an enjoyable enough experience for her or that I was not doing enough around the house (in reality I do my fair share). Then I discovered the asexuality concept in recent media articles, came here and everything is now clicking into place.
 
While I'm not supposed to give her the labels, I'm pretty sure she is a sex-neutral asexual, with mild aromantic tendancies. Fortunately she is not touch or sex repulsed and when she tells me that she loves me I really know that she does, especially now that I can separate her view on love from mine. We do enjoy frequent hugs and cuddles and even quite passionate (but short) kissing. In the past I have always been the one to try to push this into a sexual direction, and almost always been rejected. Sometimes when the frustration got too high then I would withdraw and avoid even non-sexual contact for a while, but I couldn't resist contact for more than a few days. 
 
Now that I know better, from spending the last month or two reading AVEN, I have stopped trying to push these contacts into more or from trying to initiate sex and settled for what is on offer. It is very difficult to hold back when I find her so utterly irresistible - sometimes I just look at her across the room and want to rip her clothes off and f#@& her there and then. My wildest desire is that she would feel the same about me. Fighting these feelings down all the time can be almost soul destroying. 
 
I have tried to talk to her about my frustration and desire, but while she appreciates that we have different needs, I don't think she really understands how I feel (other than in an abstract way) or the magnitude of the gap (perhaps I've been too accepting/patient over the years). After this discussion I felt really positive that the communication channel had opened and that we might be able to work towards a shared understanding of each other. However, whenever I have tried to follow up to get her perspective, she gets angry, hasn't had time to think about it, or finds other excuses. She also doesn't want to accept a "label" and even though I've pointed her in the direction of AVEN, I don't think she's come to visit.
 
She did recently sense my frustration and initiated sex, but for reasons given above it was far from satisfying, and I suspect that she now thinks my desires are satiated for another year. If there is a next time, I would probably decline the offer. 
 
Sometimes I wish I was asexual myself or I could completely suppress my desire so that our current differences would not be a problem but I don't think this would be possible.
 
Other times I wish I could have sexual gratification outside of our marriage without risking our relationship. I don't think I could go through with prostitution - the lack of emotional relationship and the guilt would be a killer and at best it would only allow temporary relief. I also don't think I could cope with having an affair or f-buddy - the risk of emotional attachment would be too high and I really love my wife. Also, without the emotional attachment then it would probably be no more satisfying than prostitution. Plus the guilt, of course.
 
At the end of the day, I love her and our children very much and our emotional, financial and social lives are way too entwined for us to split up, at least until the kids are older. She is gorgeous, intelligent, kind and wonderful in every other way.
 
I don't know how this will all pan out over the coming months. I do know that I need to get her to understand, accept and be open to discuss our differences if anything is to change. This is going to be the big challenge, and right now, I don't even know what I would actually want as a positive outcome for me. No sex, will be very difficult. Compromise sex will probably be worse in the long run. Mad, passionate mind-blowing sex with my wife is never going to happen. Sex outside of the marriage is also probably not possible without her consent, and I can't see that ever happening (the guilt would probably kill me even if she did). That leaves separation, which is probably the worst option of all.
 
Of course, the best option would be to swap lives with one of my cats. Sure they don't have sex either but they do have love, cuddles, warmth and food on demand without responsibility, stress or having to go out to work. Sounds a pretty good deal to me compared to my current position - hence my display name.
 
Why am I here? Almost all of our friends are joint friends, and there is no-one that I consider to be my friend and that I would feel comfortable talking to about this. Even though I know it's not my fault, I would feel less of a man discussing it.
 
For now, I'm going to lurk round AVEN some more, try to join the likes of @Telecaster68 and @MrDane when I have the time, providing some insight into the sexual mind by contributing to the odd discussion and see if I can help others as much as this site has helped me. At the same time, I may post for some sympathy, support or guidance while I will see where the future takes us.
 
Thanks if you've got this far,
WhyCantIBeACat
 
P.S. any typos or grammar mistakes are entirely my fault.
 

I hear you and feel your pain, @WhyCantIBeACat

I try not to think of it, as using her. But more focus on her giving me a nice time, out of love. (Not without love) occasionally she enjoys my touch and want me to continue, but it feel a bit like helping her masturbate. But ok, a respons to touch. 

Try to get past the wishing/hoping/blaming. Easy said, rigth? If she loves you and you love to have sex, then perhaps she could be interested in finding a solution? You know, I loathe my depression, but that is the black hole I fall into when I dont get any sex. As it is now, we have an agreement. But what is most frustrating is, that I have no idea about how she feels about it. I just sense that in “safe moments” she is warmer and kisses more and hugs and say nice things. I fear for having to change the agreement, for her sake.

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