In want of advice - long distance relationship with sexual person

[acemoony]

Hi, 

I am an asexual person, in a long distance relationship with a sexual person. We've been dating for about 2 and a half years now. The first year, we lived really close to each other, but circumstances mean we now live about 5 hours apart. This means that we struggle to see each other often, and it tends to be once every two months we'll get together for about a week. I don't think either of us find that side at all easy. 

 

When we lived close, my boyfriend didn't seem to mind that I wanted to take things really slow. I've never been physically intimate with anyone, and to be honest I could probably live my entire life without physical intimacy and never feel that I missed out. The whole thing seems bizarre to me, and I don't find it at all comfortable or have much in the way of sexual desire at all. On the other hand, my boyfriend seems to be getting more and more horny as time goes by. It's gotten to the point where it feels like we can't have a conversation where he doesn't bring up sex. That makes me avoid talking to him, even though I really miss him when we're apart. 

When we are together, he just wants to push the boundaries a bit. I've been trying to get more used to physical intimacy, because I don't think it's fair to ask him to be celibate. On the first day, I always try and be intimate even if I'm really not in the mood. However, this never seems enough...he's not satisfied unless we do things like that all the time we're together. I find that really hard, because after the first night I'll be tired and cranky - he gets really hurt at any suggestion we sleep apart, but he snores in my ear and takes up most of the bed, so I sleep really badly. And when I'm tired, the last thing I want to do is be physically intimate (I have tried to discuss this with my boyfriend, but I don't think he understands.) 

So, from the look of this I guess it's hard to say we should stay together. Trouble is, he makes my heart beat faster. I love the guy, and I'm fairly sure he loves me too. I want this to work, but can't see a way out of the situation. I need help, and I thought a community of people who might know where I'm coming from is the best place to come. 

[biblios]

This is tough and I can relate to it a lot. My first thought is just, "Does he know how you feel?" Or rather, "Does he know WHY you feel the way you feel?" Have you told him yet, for example, that you'd rather not sleep together on the first night you guys reunite, and more importantly, why? Maybe it would be easier to find a compromise if he understood your reasoning for wanting or not wanting certain things. For example, maybe you could say something like, "You know I missed you tons and I do want to share a bed with you, but on the first day of a visit, I've been traveling and I'm usually not in the mood. It has nothing to do with how much I've missed you or love you; it's just that when I'm super tired like that, I need my own space to rejuvenate. So maybe we could sleep in the same bed on the second day/night when I'm feeling more up to it."

 

You say he's sensitive about this kind of stuff and doesn't understand, so it could probably be a stressful and delicate conversation. Still, if you can get it across to him that these are your needs and they're not evidence that you don't love him or want to be close to him at any point during the visit, it seems like that could only help the situation. 

 

Another thing might be trying different compromises than the current ones. Like, you say that you try to be intimate on the first night as a gift to him because it's something he wants, but it really doesn't make you happy--so it seems like that's not a compromise that's working for the relationship. Are there alternate compromises that could work better for the both of you?