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Danani

Monogamous platonic relationship between sexual and sex repulsed ace. New member looking for advice!

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Danani

Hope this is the right place for starting a dialogue like this...if not, feel free to point me elsewhere!

 

I'm interested in hearing about the dynamics of your relationships. I'm in a mixed platonic relationship with a sex repulsed ace, me being a sexual with a high sex drive, and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

 

I've considered broaching the topic of open relationships, since my partner is also aromantic and repulsed by touch, which leaves me in a rough spot as someone who craves physical intimacy--any kind, eg. kissing, hugging, cuddling, massages, basically any variety of mutual affectionate physical contact, none of which is desired, reciprocated, or offered by my partner except for hugs, which I have to ask for explicitly and are more often than not given with annoyed reluctance, so I feel guilty asking for them. They also don't want me to discuss being aroused, masturbate in the same room or talk about it when I masturbate, make jokes about sexual acts, be present when they masturbate etc. Full stop no discussion of sexuality. Difficult but manageable. 

 

They're a fantastic partner, a wonderful human being with a gentle soul, and an amazing friend whom I value enough to have sacrificed intimate physical contact for years, but wow, has it been a rough ride emotionally. 

 

They expressed once that they're want this to be a monogamous relationship, though without giving me an explicit reason for wanting me as a sole partner when they are unable to satisfy any of my desires for touch and physical intimacy. Honestly I have no idea how I'd approach the topic in a manner that didn't make my partner feel threatened or hurt... I truly do love and adore them. Causing any pain or misunderstanding is the last thing I want, and I'd like nothing more than for our relationship to continue and strengthen. However, I feel that this part of my life is skewed so massively in their favor that I no longer have ownership of my body, and I would like to regain control of it. The problem is that I'm not sure how to proceed, or even if I should. There is to be absolutely no compromise on their end in the matter of sex and touch. I fully respect that and will not ever try to force anything on them that would make them uncomfortable, so this is partially a plea for advice...

 

Anyone else have experience with this kind of relationship? I'd love to hear from people on both sides and find out how your relationships are structured.

 

For the mixed ace-sexual couples who aren't open, how and why have you decided to make monogamy work? Do you have suggestions for deepening emotional intimacy? Should I leave the topic alone and try to focus on the many positive, non-physical aspects of my partnership? This is doable, but I'm terrified that I'll grow resentful or depressed over time from the loss of bodily autonomy...I'd definitely need recommendations on how to combat or transform those negative emotions.

 

For the poly couples with either one or both partners seeing others, do you have advice on how to broach the sticky subject of opening things up in a manner that will allow the sexual partner to address their physical drives while respecting the ace's feelings, needs, and visions for the relationship? I would want to be able to communicate very clearly that having a sexual partner wouldn't in any way diminish the meaningful relationship we've built, but I'm stumped on potential wording... General literature recommendations for research into poly relationships would be welcome here. 

 

I need help seeing this from an outside perspective. Thanks, I look forward to hearing what you guys have to say!

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Telecaster68

There's two things going on here, from what you've said:

  1. The lack of physical affection, whether sexual or not, which you find painful (and speaking as the sexual partner in a mixed marriage and having read a lot of similar posts on AVEN, you're right - you will find yourself getting depressed and resentful).
  2. The stonewalling 'suck it up' attitude from your partner

You might eventually find a way round the first, or to accept it. The second one is a flat refusal from them to do their part in dealing with a relationship problem. Nothing will get sorted out if they keep that up.

 

Quote

Causing any pain or misunderstanding is the last thing I want

But that's what their refusal to communicate about this is causing you. They might be okay with effectively shrugging their shoulders at you being in pain, in which case your choice is put up with a partner who's okay with that, or end the relationship.

 

It seems to me that a lot of aromantics are generally very uncomfortable with discussing emotional intimacy and close down. They may need time to calm down and process what you're saying. If they won't countenance verbal conversations, you could try email/letter. Assuming they read it, they'll have time to think about their response without the barriers going up, and could either respond in kind or actually talk to you about it. It's probably a good idea to frame the issue as one facing your relationship together, and be very explicit about the threat it poses, as they may not realise this. Then frame the solution as something you should work towards together, rather than making it blaming or confrontational.

 

There's another thread on these lines going - here's what I posted on there.

 

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Treesarepretty

@Danani, you and I have very different ideas of what platonic relationships entail. If your partner is both asexual and aromantic, and you are essentially friends anyway, then shouldn't they be okay with you seeking romance and sex wherever you want? 

 

Are you two married? 

 

Do you two have children? 

 

I'm sorry. I do not understand why you would need to get their approval for seeking the intimacy that they refuse to provide anyway. If they really care about you, and they are already getting what they want from you anyway, then seeking outside intimacy should not be a problem. 

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