How does a highly sexual person handle the pain of not getting sex from asexual partner?

[soyandpotatoes]

21 hours ago, Bri is Me said:

This is a possibility, but it could also be that he doesn't know his orientation or doesn't wish to put a label on it yet.  I have to think about my own process in discovering that I am asexual and how I didn't even know it was an orientation for so long.

 

It was actually a friend who suggested "maybe you're asexual" as I was discussing my past relationships, and after a little research, I finally decided that the label fit me.

Yeah he doesn't know what asexuality means. We have talked about his lack of need for sex when I first noticed it. He explained he doesn't think sex is a big deal at all unlike his peers in school and never had it frequent in the first place. Asexuality also didn't cross my mind at that time.I thought, ok, he just has a LL then. If he understood what asexuality is, I think he would have brought it up. 

I suppose it also depends on how comfortable individuals are being labelled huh?
 

[soyandpotatoes]

21 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Given that there seems to be a very severe incompatibility, maybe you can step back the commitment level to dating nonexclusively unless or until you are able to communicate better and find a mutually tolerable solution.

I beg to differ on the compatibility part. We haven't had a single fight, intellectually in sync, same sense of humour and are constantly inspiring and motivating one another on life's successes (not to mention the love we have). While I agree that commitment level can move, we took a very long time to express devotion, like "yes! I definitely want you in my life" since we're both pragmatic (despite dating exclusively). The actions speak louder than words phrase rings true for us and it was only recently, after knowing our quirks, our travel habits, our bedroom habits, our life goals have we shown more that we're emotionally invested, cos it's unbelievable how compatible we are. Every moment together is either laughs or serious planning and it's so much fun and so good being around each other that I never felt the need to be upset and force him into a conversation about sex for more than 5 mins. It almost feels silly that it's affecting me.  

 

21 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Also, if you don't feel completely safe and comfortable discussing your own feelings about such a huge relationship issue with him, know that incompatible sexual orientations are not the only problem here.

I do feel safe talking to him about anything and everything. He knows how sexual I am, what I've done and what I like. And I have had the talk with him (talk about why we don't have much sex) This was when he explained that he didn't view sex as a big deal and he doesnt feel the need to. In fact, he looked quite surprised and then saddened, when he found out lack of sex made me sad, almost as if that notion is difficult to comprehend. The only talk I haven't had with him is the asexuality part, which I rediscovered recently.

Which is why I appreciate this forum cos I think it makes much more sense now. 

 

21 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Don't assume he's asexual, and don't lead the witness.

I will keep this in mind, thanks @nanogretchen4 and will find a way to introduce this topic to him and let him decide if this label suits him. 

[Jay.J]

On 29/11/2017 at 8:40 AM, IceHurricane said:

I'm an asexual in a relationship with a sexual.

 

Do you prefer we don't mention about our sexual experiences (e.g.: orgasms) at all?

I personally don't mind it usually. Sometimes I'll be somewhat flirty like  at whatever she says, encouraging her I guess, but sometimes not. Sometimes my girlfriend will mention something sexual she's done either with herself or someone else and I'm sort of like 'Uhh, congrats? Do you want a pat on the back?  '. But yeah, it can go either way tbh. It depends on the individual. Some are sex-repulsed and don't like the mention of sex at all. It makes them uncomfortable. But I personally don't care either way usually.

 

Do you tell your partner to go ahead but feel secretly jealous that your partner is being intimate with someone else, even though it's in a way that is foreign to you?  

I'm in an open relationship right now. I'd much rather her be happy with me and someone else than for her to be unhappy with me. I get a twinge of jealousy every now and then, but most of the time I don't care. I sometimes feel bad that I'm asexual and she has to find someone else in the first place, but, again, I deal. If you do decide to include someone else, I wouldn't talk about them too much to your partner. Don't keep them a secret, obviously, but don't like talk about everything you guys do together. Your partner might not get too jealous, but there are still things they don't want to hear. 

 

Do you voice out all your boundaries? If you could choose and you wouldn't choose sex, does it feel forced?

Absolutely. I voice my boundaries. Communication is key when it comes to compromising, and healthy relationships in general. I won't say I'll do something I really, really don't want to do. There's a difference between doing something that bores you and doing something that makes you uncomfortable. So it is forced because I'm doing something I don't want to do, or something I don't enjoy, but that's what compromise is. All relationships are built on compromise, not just asexual/sexual ones. 

Thank you for your comment. I enjoyed reading g your feelings and I believe you have been very open and honest in expressing yourself. I enjoyed it thank you. 

[Jay.J]

22 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If you're one year in and your boyfriend still hasn't come clean about his orientation, I think that's a big red flag. Also, if you don't feel completely safe and comfortable discussing your own feelings about such a huge relationship issue with him, know that incompatible sexual orientations are not the only problem here. You really just need to have the talk already. You need to be completely honest about your feelings and concerns for the future. Don't sugarcoat things for his comfort. He needs to go ahead and tell you the truth right now. Don't assume he's asexual, and don't lead the witness. Maybe he's not asexual. Maybe he's gay or just doesn't have sexual feelings for you or there's something else going on.

 

Regarding opening the relationship, it seems to me that it's only one year old and you haven't taken marriage vows or anything. Given that there seems to be a very severe incompatibility, maybe you can step back the commitment level to dating nonexclusively unless or until you are able to communicate better and find a mutually tolerable solution. For some reason it seems like the more a mixed couple realizes that they are very unhappy with no prospects for a solution in sight, the more they often double down on their grim determination to make it work. I don't quite understand your fear that you will be tempted to leave your boyfriend for a sexual partner. If you have an arrangement where you get your sexual needs met elsewhere yet are still happier staying with him as your primary relationship, great. If you find a sexual partner and feel that on balance you would happier leaving your current boyfriend and commiting to an even better relationship with a more compatible partner, great.  In either case you are freely choosing what you actually want to do. 

As much as it feels straight to the point, I would like to say thank you @nanogretchen4 for the amazing, honest, and valuable advice. Cant be more agree with you on everything you said. You are an asset to this debate. 

[WhyCantIBeACat]

9 hours ago, soyandpotatoes said:

Sorry to hear that @WhyCantIBeACat. So, now that you've been with your wife for 30 years, would you do it again if you had known how your life turned out?

Now that's a really difficult question. We did split up, mainy due to my frustration, before we were married, but I couldn't stay away for long.

 

The very first time I saw her I felt a real spark - it really was love at first sight (for me) and every time we met afterwards before we were officially together I felt the same. I still do (whenever the frustration level isn't too high). I really love her so much. I already knew that sex wasn't going to be "magical" when I asked her to marry me and there have been times when I have thought about leaving, but I knew I couldn't live without her. I'm still not sure that I could.

 

If we'd known upfront then things would have been different - we'd have understood each other better and I think this would have helped in some ways, but hindered in others. Would I have made the same commitment and stayed in the relationship so long, knowing that any hope of our sexual relationship getting better was false? I don't know - possibly not.

 

9 hours ago, soyandpotatoes said:

Do you have kids? (I hope that's ok to ask)

Yes, we have two wonderful kids that we both love very much and who wouldn't be here if we hadn't stayed together. For that alone, it was probably worth it.

[AussieIsAce]

10 hours ago, soyandpotatoes said:

Because that's exactly what he is... a 1%... 
I'm never gonna find someone so in sync with me again (Minus the sex..it's just unfortunate that sex is a thing. Now I'm actually thinking, how much of a thing is sex.)

1%er meaning they are ace...we are 1% of the population. 

you can find a fuck tone of people you click with buddy. you should just leave they and find someone you are compatible with.

if you want sex so badly or are hurt by the fact your partner doesn't want sex then its already over buddy.

 

sorry 

[PoisonPoppy]

Hey! I am in the switch around version as you. 

I am asexual (as far as I can work out) and my boyfriend of almost 2 years is highly sexual and strait.

 

To your questions - My personal opinion.

 

1. Accept that it is sexless and be celibate.

It would depend on you and you boyfriend. If he is open to sex as a way to express affection (like I am) then if you love him you would need to accept that it may not be as much as you want but realise to him that it may be more than he'd care to give. 

 

Asexuals: Do you prefer we don't mention about our sexual experiences (e.g.: orgasms) at all? 


I love my boyfriend to bits, I like it if he's happy and I am not weirded out if he wants to talk about anything sex related or if he wants to do himself, I'm not fussed, what I do mind is him bringing it up about me, (I used to have other relationships that I had sex in but was never sexually attracted and my bf was a virgin before me). I dont need the contrant reminder that I did thinks I didnt enjoy with other people. 


2. Be polyamorous 
It is an option but one that I personally would never be ok with. 

Asexuals: Do you tell your partner to go ahead but feel secretly jealous that your partner is being intimate with someone else, even though it's in a way that is foreign to you?  



I wouldnt ever say it is foreign, the experience may be but the act is not for many. I told my boyfriend at the start of our relationship that he had a small window of opportunity that if he wanted to do stuff with other girls that as long as it didnt affect our relationship I would accept it. He simply refused as he considered it cheating and that time has passed. I would not accept being polyamorous though as i would consider it cheating.

 

I may be asexual and dislike sex but that doesnt mean that i dont feel bad when I know my bf wants it and I cant give it. I love him and it hurts that I dont feel sexually inclinded in that way.

 

3. Compromise 


I would say this works for me and my bf best. 

 

Asexuals: Do you voice out all your boundaries? If you could choose and you wouldn't choose sex, does it feel forced?
 

Boundaries, yes BOTH of you should voice your boundaries then you come to a compromise. It may be a hard subject to talk about but one that needs to be.

As for feeling forced, this ones hard. Ive been in an abusive relationship in the past so know what forcing really feels like, I would say that in my current situation that I am reluctant but still do it as a compromise because he's given up the chance of full sex 24/7. Once again though, it would depend on your own situation.
 

 

I hope this helps in some way 🍰

[soyandpotatoes]

2 hours ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

Now that's a really difficult question. We did split up, mainy due to my frustration, before we were married, but I couldn't stay away for long.

 

The very first time I saw her I felt a real spark - it really was love at first sight (for me) and every time we met afterwards before we were officially together I felt the same. I still do (whenever the frustration level isn't too high). I really love her so much. I already knew that sex wasn't going to be "magical" when I asked her to marry me and there have been times when I have thought about leaving, but I knew I couldn't live without her. I'm still not sure that I could.

 

If we'd known upfront then things would have been different - we'd have understood each other better and I think this would have helped in some ways, but hindered in others. Would I have made the same commitment and stayed in the relationship so long, knowing that any hope of our sexual relationship getting better was false? I don't know - possibly not.

 

Yes, we have two wonderful kids that we both love very much and who wouldn't be here if we hadn't stayed together. For that alone, it was probably worth it.

Thanks for being honest  It's heartwarming to hear about your kids 

[soyandpotatoes]

1 hour ago, miettaisace said:

1%er meaning they are ace...we are 1% of the population

Yes, I got that. I was also expressing how unique he is regardless of sexual orientation. Thanks for your input

[soyandpotatoes]

1 hour ago, PoisonPoppy said:

I may be asexual and dislike sex but that doesnt mean that i dont feel bad when I know my bf wants it and I cant give it. I love him and it hurts that I dont feel sexually inclinded in that way.

Exactly what I don't want.. I was always uncomfortable with this idea and have decided this is definitely not for me. 
Thanks so much for replying.. yes, it helps a lot! 🍦You're ace! in more than one way 😊

[AussieIsAce]

14 minutes ago, soyandpotatoes said:

Yes, I got that. I was also expressing how unique he is regardless of sexual orientation. Thanks for your input

yeah but still move on if you arent getting what you need