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Romantic Intensity...


AndanteCantabile

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AndanteCantabile

Everyone I've opened up to about this seems to have a different opinion, and, since my identity is relatively anonymous on this site, I thought I'd just put this issue out for comment. 

 

I'm a very intense person on many fronts - a Myers-Briggs ENTJ - and I'm in an ace borderline-romantic partnership with someone who's the total opposite (and fits the ISFP description very well). I've had people warn me not to "go too fast" in a relationship - especially with someone whose personality is so different from mine - but how am I supposed to control the rate at which my feelings progress through different stages and eventually stabilize? 

 

Should I be trying to be less intense? What is "properly" intense? How do I become less intense? I'm just very, very confused at this point. 

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Apathetic Echidna

I guess the 'not going too fast' and being intense are a confused, but separate things. You can be intense by going too fast, but generally I think of 'intense' in regards to feelings and emotions. Those can be very hard to control. While 'going too fast' is more about actions, which you can choose and control. 

 

I guess to be 'less intense' is all about not letting your emotions rule your actions. Feel what you feel but know they are your feelings, they may not be exactly shared which might spook someone. Control or moderate your actions to match the sorts of thing your partner is doing or is receptive to rather than following your emotional drives, especially if they are telling you to paint a nursery and start choosing children's names when you have known them only a week. 

 

I guess the warnings are mostly from people who want to protect you in case you are becoming much more emotionally invested quickly which is leaving you open to extra hurt if it goes badly. 

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There's no way to control your feelings. That's what feelings do, they're assholes like that.

 

As always, communication is key. You need to keep in touch with your SO. There's no point in "trying to feel a certain way", be it more intense, less intense, (not) attracted to whatever, trying to "like" something... it just won't work out, especially not in the long run. Both of you should try to establish a level of intensity you're both comfortable with. If there is none, it's not meant to be.

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Feelings will develop at whatever rate they develop, I don't think there's much point in agonising over it or worrying about how intense you are being. Sometimes questioning yourself a lot can do more harm than good, after all. My advice would just be go to with the flow and see where it goes. Also, don't worry about the difference in personality thing - you never know how two people are going to connect! And a lot of the time it's contrasting personalities that work well together and complement each other :') (This has definitely been the case for my past relationships and also my friends'!) And like @Homer said above, communication is really important! As long as you both keep that line of communication open between the two of you, you can work anything out :)

 

Good luck!!

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