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Jay.J

Asexual wife/sexual husband, any solution please?

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Jay.J

G'day everyone, 

 

 

I don't know where to start but I am writing this hoping to get some help.

I would like to share my story with you. I am a mid 30 straight male. I got married when I was 20 years old, she was 19. I am from a culture where marriage is a strong bond and divorce is a big social problem. I must admit I fall in love with her. From the very beginning, there was something missing in between us. She was calm and quiet, keeping things to herself whereas I was active, warm, passionate and full of energy and adventure. It didn't take long to find out it is a one-way relationship. I wasn't receiving the love and passion I was expressing to her. I soon felt the gap. It took me a while to find out what I want to do in my life. Being from a traditional family has always stopped me to even think about divorce although I felt the need desperately from every stage. There was something missing in my life. There was no love, no intimacy, no passion, I was feeling a huge emotional gap in my life. This was very clear in my day to day life and interactions with opposite sex. As soon as I was close to a female friend, I started to develop emotion and feeling towards her. Many times I kept this romantic attraction hidden but I always questioned myself. I have strong values that consider myself strongly committed to them. What was missing in my life? Trying to buy flowers, giving her pleasant surprises and stick to the common rules of keeping the relationship moving, but it has always been a one-way journey. 

On the positive side, however, she has always been a good company. What I mean is she enjoys outdoor and adventures as I do and is easygoing. She has been accommodating my sexual needs even though there has always been a complaint about me being too active sexually. We have kept ourselves busy with my ambitions and dreams. I wanted to further my education and then migrated to Australia. For over 5 years we have been busy exploring Australia together and I have always tried to manage the gaps with other things, focus on things we both enjoy and try to ignore, forget and suppress feeling and emotions. 

 

Eventually, I thought having a child can change the course of events in my life. But it worked out to be totally opposite. Our first child born and the second one immediately after with no plan for it took us as a surprise. It was against our value to go for a termination, even though we discussed the option. Our life was completely screwed. By time passing and children getting older we didn't have time to do activities we used to and the emotional gap got bigger and bigger. We were separated for a short time but I couldn't stand life without my children and she tried to take them away and it was a constant struggle. We tried to manage a mutually beneficial relationship and living together now. 

I could see how she grow both mentally and emotionally, built herself a successful career and being an excellent mum. I tried to focus on children and divert all this emotion and love to them but inside I was being anxious and depressed with low self-confidence and emotionally broken and dissatisfied.  

Whenever we talk or argue about this, during our conversation, she always insists that she enjoys every aspect of the relationship with me and it is me that is not satisfied and still exploring.  Its been a constant struggle to be on the dark side and get along with contradictions. For a while, I also thought she may be a lesbian. I have always been an advocate to be open and honest with your sexual orientation. We spoke and she said she is clearly not a lesbian. And this story was going on and on, an extremely cold and lifeless relationship with all those things you already know. 

I have recently read an article about Asexuality and emailed it to her. Apparently, she has since been reading and researching this topic for weeks. The sun has finally come out and shed light on this dark side of our relationship. I am saying dark as I did really suffer many aspects of it for a long time. She has made it clear that she has never been sexually attracted to anyone. Never even sexually thought of any man or woman in her entire life. Never been turned on, no heart bit no desire.  She made it clear that she married me as I was a right option at the time and she liked some aspect of my personality and most of all it was time for her to get married. She never felt intimacy or love in that way with me. She has also revealed that she shared this with our family doctor and was told that she has to accommodate my sexual needs as a duty of care! (What a Doctor!).  She said she never enjoyed having sex with me and has always been pretending and faking everything to keep me happy. She now is happy for me to chose my way and is sorry for everything. 

Now, as a matter of fact, I have been lied to, deceived, been incriminated for everything wrong in our relationship,  besides the feeling that I sexually imposed myself on someone with different sexual orientation for over a decade. She was extremely controlling and I got subjected to domestic violence because I was lonely and was in contact with few females I knew through facebook and etc.   I felt completely broken. It's too late and scary to start all over again. I don't possess the quality and youth to attract a female of my standards anymore. It feels that I have to accept my fate. Please let me know if there is anything that can make things better.

Thank you for listening to me. 

 

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CosineTheChristmasCat

I'm really sorry to hear how hard this has been for you. It's not easy to hear such hard truths like this. There are a few books out there that have been written about recovering from relationships with an asexual partner. Of course, they aren't highly recommended on sites like AVEN due to the content and how a few of them speak about asexuals, but if you're looking for self-help style narrative, you have that option. 

 

Honestly, my best advice is for you to do what is best for you and your children. You shouldn't be stuck in a marriage that you aren't happy in or fulfilled in. Mid-30'sis still quite young. Generally, my suggestions would relate to trying to open up your marriage so that you can get some of your sexual desires filled elsewhere but try to keep the primary relationship between your wife and you; if that is something you're willing to try. That being said, communication between you two is going to be the key to everything. 

 

I hope you figure out something to make you happy. 

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Jay.J

Thanks for your response.

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Nidwin

And another screwed up situation because the invisible orientation is still in the closet or denied to exist by a freaking bunch of folks out there. Add to that the still "conservative" bullcrap and we have 2 people entangled in a mixed couple that should never have been married or together in the first place. I know, it's possible but I don't consider this healthy as the sexual person has to pass on a very important intimate aspect.

 

"She has also revealed that she shared this with our family doctor and was told that she has to accommodate my sexual needs as a duty of care."

Another diamond of conservative nonsense, noted.

 

I can't give you any advice as I'm on your wife's side on the sexual spectrum and you don't want to read how it's for us, too early and probably to much anger and pain on your side.

 

Take care and have some :cake:

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Jay.J

(:

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Nidwin

I'm not judging you Jay.J or your situation. I was only given you the perspective form an asexual point of view.

 

You wrote that you are Christian and lived (family, society, friends) in a very conservative environment. Are you realy surprised your wife hid that part, who she probably truly is from you and the family, especially when the family doctor told her to comply with something she shouldn't have to.

I'm not blaming or shaming you here Jay.J and I'm certain it's not as bad as it sounds but facts are facts.

 

As for disagreeing with me, no issues but let me tell you something.

I could have fully identified as aromantic at the age of 13 and fully asexual at the age of 17-18, with zero doubts. And the entire speech, too young, not experienced enough, not the right one, ... is bullcrap. At the age of 15-16 folks now who they want to fuck (boys, girls, both, other or nobody). It's only the gray area that remains cloudy. But, the big but, I had no freaking clue about what was truly going on, or in my case not going on at all. I presume it was more or less the same for your wife, no idea what was not happening to her and no information available as a teenager.

 

The main issue in your case Jay is that you and your wife are sexualy incompatible and I wouldn't be surprised that there's quite some gap on the romanticism spectrum too.

 

As for those folks out there, it's going to upset you even more.

 

Big brother and the book of multiple choice tells us

BB created man and woman. Boy + girl -> sex & love -> plenty of babies -> very very happy because that's what BB wants -> heaven

 

Reality check

Heteros -> heaven

Gays -> hell

Lesbians -> hell

Bisexuals -> hell * 10

Swingers -> hell * 1000

Hypersexuals -> not good and probably as bad as Bi's

Trans -> hell

Asexuals -> forgotten ones (main issue for you and your wife)

others -> hell

 

I've no issues with religions, spiritual beliefs, conservatives but when they continue to screw up because they are still in version 0.3.5 while society needs a big update like 245.0.0 on their side, people are going to be very unhappy in their life.

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Jay.J

(:

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Just me alone

I think she was so brave to tell you I I'm in the same situation for the last 2 years and still stuggle to even admit it. 

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Jay.J

I don't know what to say. But sooner you accept your sexualy, easier it would be to find a solution. Denying the problem wouldn't help it just makes the problem worse up to the extent that there will be no solution. 

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gaogao
1 hour ago, Jay.J said:

I don't know what to say. But sooner you accept your sexualy, easier it would be to find a solution. Denying the problem wouldn't help it just makes the problem worse up to the extent that there will be no solution. 

What do you mean by this?

 

You can only accept your sexuality if you know that your sexuality exists. Your wife had no idea what her sexuality was until you sent her an article about asexuality, and then she was able to accept it. For a lot of us, we don't realise that we aren't feeling what everyone else is feeling, or we just think there's something wrong and go to the doctor, who tells us we should just keep our partners happy and it will be fine... because they don't know what asexuality is either.

 

You were not intentionally duped by your wife - it was no one's fault really - in fact, it sounds like she actually tried to do something about it because she went to the doctor to try find out what was wrong. We don't know much about what you describe with regards to domestic violence or her controlling behaviour - but you could tell us more about that, maybe, if you want to.

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Treesarepretty
On 11/26/2017 at 6:39 PM, Jay.J said:

I felt completely broken. It's too late and scary to start all over again. I don't possess the quality and youth to attract a female of my standards anymore. It feels that I have to accept my fate. Please let me know if there is anything that can make things better.

A friend of mine said that excercising is important to keeping your spirits up, and I have found that to be true. 

 

Also, @naturerhythms has a book about his experiences as the sexual in a mixed relationship. He was offering free copies a while ago. I don't know if that deal is still on, but you could always ask him about it. 

 

I would also second the open relationship suggestion. 

 

On 11/26/2017 at 6:39 PM, Jay.J said:

Now, as a matter of fact, I have been lied to, deceived, been incriminated for everything wrong in our relationship,  besides the feeling that I sexually imposed myself on someone with different sexual orientation for over a decade. She was extremely controlling and I got subjected to domestic violence because I was lonely and was in contact with few females I knew through facebook and etc.  

This is awful. 😯 

 

I know what you mean about noticing other women when it has been a long time. It is a good thing you didn't cheat, though. 💪stay strong 💪 

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Just me alone
On 27/11/2017 at 12:39 PM, Jay.J said:

 

Whenever we talk or argue about this, during our conversation, she always insists that she enjoys every aspect of the relationship with me and it is me that is not satisfied and still exploring. 

***Simply she doesn't see the life from your window***

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Just me alone

Sex is not her entire life, love, passion and dreams 

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Jay.J

I agree sex is not entire life, it's not just about sex, we are talking the proven strong links between sex and other aspect of life. If we accept asexual as an orientation then we shouldn't have been together in a first place. But nevertheless I am trying hard to see things from her window. Really hard. 

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