Can I really be Asexual if I've experienced...?

[Always In A Hoodie]

I've felt that I've been asexual for a long time, but question if I am because of things that have happened or I have done in the past. It makes me feel like maybe I just have super low libido. When I've mentioned it to my mom (I'm not a teen or child) she doesn't think that I am, probably because I did have crushes growing up, but really didn't have an interest in dating. I guess it'd be easier to outline:

 

Reasons why I believe I may be asexual:

• I like long distance relationships because it's the connection with the person without the physical interaction 
• I hate hate hate sex. It is painful. Incredibly painful. And all I can do is focus on breathing. When I've asked the Dr about it, she said all my body is doing is just making all my muscles incredibly tight and that I need to relax and that they have "physical therapy" for that. No. Fucking. Way. 
• I really don't like making out. It's boring and I get nothing out of it. 
• All I can think about are bodily fluids and now I'm going to have to wash the sheets and take a shower. 
• I didn't date in middle school or high school. All my relationships in college lasted all of 2 weeks because I'd get into them and want to escape once the physical-ness started. 

 

Reasons why I believe I may not be asexual: 

• I find people attractive, as in good looking and beautiful. 
• I asked my friend to have sex with me for the first time just so I could be in control and learn what it was supposed to be like. (Would that be an argument for Asexuality? It was curiosity over attraction, but asking for sex does not feel like asexuality?)
• I want to feel like I'm attractive and sexy to someone else, but I don't want to do sexual acts with them. 
• I've had consistent sex with my past 2 relationships but feel like I need to to keep the person interested in dating me. It is the thing I dread the most and makes me resentful to the person even if they are not aware that I really don't want sex, even if it is "only" once a week. I try to act like nothing is wrong, that it is awesome and they are awesome. 
• I started masturbating at a young age because it felt good, but have had no interest in masturbating since high school (and even then it was once maybe every couple months)
• I'm pretty good at witty innuendoes/puns
• I've fallen in love

 

I guess I'm confused and am conflicted about discussing it with my current partner because "oh we've been having such great sex all this time". I feel like starting over even though I'm with a great person, just so the expectations around sex can be clear. I really just want a partner, like someone I can rely on and who can rely on me and share experiences and cuddling isn't bad. I do like affection, just not "let me touch you and lick you" affection. I've dated both genders and honestly liked dating a chick more because it lacked the penetration aspect, and I really could care less about the gender of the person, just someone to be with and share life with. 

 

I don't know if that's asexuality or just being a woman with low libido. Thanks for your help and time <3 

[TheAP]

There are many types of attraction. Finding people good-looking is aesthetic attraction, and falling in love is romantic attraction. Neither means you're not asexual; asexuals only lack sexual attraction. Asexuals can also be curious about what sex will be like, and can make innuendos. So basically, nothing you've said disqualifies you from being asexual, so you very well might be.

[Moon&Stars]

7 minutes ago, TheAP said:

There are many types of attraction. Finding people good-looking is aesthetic attraction, and falling in love is romantic attraction. Neither means you're not asexual; asexuals only lack sexual attraction. Asexuals can also be curious about what sex will be like, and can make innuendos. So basically, nothing you've said disqualifies you from being asexual, so you very well might be.

@TheAP makes a really good point.

 

I can't say I relate to everything on your list, but all of them are perfectly valid points. I think the decision lies with you as to what you think and would like to be. If you feel like you're asexual and that feels right, then that could be it. I think the main thing is that's it's alright to be confused, and it's best to take your time finding what's right for you.  

[Space-Ace-Android]

35 minutes ago, TheAP said:

There are many types of attraction. Finding people good-looking is aesthetic attraction, and falling in love is romantic attraction. Neither means you're not asexual; asexuals only lack sexual attraction. Asexuals can also be curious about what sex will be like, and can make innuendos. So basically, nothing you've said disqualifies you from being asexual, so you very well might be.

Spot on @TheAP! You could very likely be asexual as none of the things on the list disqualify you from being asexual. So welcome and have some cake!

 

 Two owls in love cake :3

[Lichley]

Asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "I desire to have sex with them" ? Yes - not asexual No- probably asexual.

You can be asexual despite previous sexual compliances, masturbation, romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, and  sensual attraction.

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Lichley, I love those descriptions! That's very helpful.

[Kersenne]

I can totally relate to what you wrote, @Always In A Hoodie

 

My first serious relationship was a long distance one and I was really happy like this, I loved the communication we had going with my boyfriend, I loed reading what he wrote to me, loved the long hours we spent chatting on skype... And then I spent a week with him, at his place, and everything just crashed - I was a virgin and I thought I had to have sex, he wanted to have sex, but we never talked about it so things ended up being pretty awkward and we broke a week after I left. 

And then I had sex with my second boyfriend, we did have sex but just like you said, it was super boring and I felt absolutely nothing. I pretended I liked it, that it was great and eveything but in reality, I kept thinking "when will he be done?" the whole time... I was lucky that it didn't hurt, though...

 

And like you wrote, I am attracted to people (though never in a sexual way), I also started masturbating quite young (also because it felt good, and at that age I had no idea it was masturbation), I had sex so that I could be relieved of my 'virgin' label (it mattered a lot to me at that time, but thankfully not anymore), and I get sex jokes and innuendos (mostly because I had to if I wanted to pretend I was sexual. Now I'm not pretending anymore but I still get the jokes). 

 

I strongly identify as an asexual, and I hope you will figure out or yourself what best describes you  And I thingk Lichley's picture is quite helpful!  

[-satellite-]

On 11/26/2017 at 3:38 PM, Always In A Hoodie said:

I want to feel like I'm attractive and sexy to someone else, but I don't want to do sexual acts with them. 

THIS x 10000000. I wear fashionable or even revealing clothing, I spend a ton of time on my makeup every day, and I enjoy dancing sensually at parties and such, but if anyone actually asked me to have sex with them it would be an immediate NO. I want to appear sexy and attractive but only to attract a romantic partner, not a sexual one. I feel like that's 100% misleading to sexual people, which sucks tbh, but to me it's just a way to boost my confidence.

[And all shall be well]

I really relate to your list, and what @-satellite- describes. It's been a revelation lately to realise I just want to feel attractive, have a romantic relationship and share things with someone but don't actually want to have sex or feel like doing sexual stuff with someone. I definitely feel other forms of attraction to people - I fall in love and form crushes really easily, but have realised I'm not thinking about or want to do anything sexual with them.

[Philip027]

Quote

I asked my friend to have sex with me for the first time just so I could be in control and learn what it was supposed to be like. (Would that be an argument for Asexuality? It was curiosity over attraction, but asking for sex does not feel like asexuality?)

To respond specifically to this point, I don't really think a once off thing to see what something is like typically indicates a bonafide non-asexual orientation, especially if afterward you still weren't really sold on the whole thing.  The vast majority of sexual people know they want it before they've even had it.

[GLRDT]

On 11/27/2017 at 11:07 PM, -satellite- said:

THIS x 10000000. I wear fashionable or even revealing clothing, I spend a ton of time on my makeup every day, and I enjoy dancing sensually at parties and such, but if anyone actually asked me to have sex with them it would be an immediate NO. I want to appear sexy and attractive but only to attract a romantic partner, not a sexual one. I feel like that's 100% misleading to sexual people, which sucks tbh, but to me it's just a way to boost my confidence.

I also 10000000 % yes.