OpenAce Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 So, just wondering if anyone else had this: I put a lot of energy into my very limited number of friendships (I'm introverted and have a very small group of specifically chosen friends). I like spending tonnes of time with most of them, I'll go out for lunch with them, go to the movies, go to the local pool, talk to them until the early hours of the morning, etc But, they have/want relationships. One just broke up with his girlfriend and was trying to explain how that felt (me being aro and not getting the whole romance thing). He said like imagine if one of my closest friends started choosing someone else over me because I wasn't giving them all my attention/always showing my feelings for them. And I realised that that is kinda how I feel. Ok, I know that a romantic relationship/break-up is pretty different to this but, that is kinda how I feel a lot of the time- like I'm not a high priority for some of my friends because in their lives they consider their romantic whatever more important. And I think it's fair enough, but platonic attraction is the strongest form of attraction I experience and like I said I choose all my friends carefully and pour time and energy into those relationships. And I've got one friend who generally puts me first (he's not currently dating) but he has a crush on me, and I feel like that's why; and that as soon as he gets a girlfriend I'll just be pushed down the list again... I guess what I'm trying to ask is "is anyone else tired of always coming second because you're 'only friends'?" Link to post Share on other sites
kirakana Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Reading this was like hearing my own thoughts. (Hello from a fellow introvert.) I love my friends. There aren't a lot of things I wouldn't do for the ones I feel the closest to. That said, whenever a friend gets (or is already in a relationship), their partner becomes the Number One for hanging out, talking, travelling ... Most of the time I don't mind. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is irritating. Often it results in me not investing as much energy into the friendship with a person who has a partner. After all, if you are not their priority, could/should they still be yours? That said, currently one of my best friends is in the process of getting a partner for the first time. And I am a mess. I try to be happy for her, but at the same time I can't stand it, knowing someone else is "taking my place". I've been told that this is a so called honeymoon phase and is the absolute worst. Eventually the friend will supposedly start needing our friendship again. Yet for me, there will be no going back. How can I willing go into relationship if I am so easily replaced? Truthfully, I wish to have a friend/companion/buddy I could be fiercely loyal to. I want to be someone's first choice to hang out, travel and do interesting things with. Anyway, I just wanted to add that by no means are you the only one Link to post Share on other sites
OpenAce Posted December 1, 2017 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 Thanks, It's comforting to know other people feel them same. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
SleepyFox Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 On 02/12/2017 at 9:25 AM, kirakana said: That said, currently one of my best friends is in the process of getting a partner for the first time. And I am a mess. I try to be happy for her, but at the same time I can't stand it, knowing someone else is "taking my place". This. One of my close friends just started dating someone and I'm caught between "of course I want my friend to be happy" and "please don't forget about me". considering ours is a long distance friendship and she's barely made the effort to talk in the last few months anyway, i find that I'm extra insecure about fading into the background. Link to post Share on other sites
Aulora Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 I relate a lot to this, I too am an introvert and I get that a lot. After I moved, my best friend of 10 years stopped talking to me completely and moved on, I know its not the exact same but the general feelings of hurt and almost betrayal made me bitter for a long while. Its hard because you'll never be the ideal relationship parter who's attention is sought out. Its hard not to be a little possessive of the friends who do love and give you attention out of the fear that they too will leave. I just don't want to be left behind. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenAce Posted December 18, 2017 Author Share Posted December 18, 2017 On 12/16/2017 at 8:35 AM, Aulora said: Its hard not to be a little possessive of the friends who do love and give you attention out of the fear that they too will leave. I just don't want to be left behind. This is so me- the few friends I have I cling to, to the point where I'm worried I'll scare them off... Link to post Share on other sites
Apathetic Echidna Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 On 26/11/2017 at 5:02 PM, OpenAce said: One just broke up with his girlfriend and was trying to explain how that felt (me being aro and not getting the whole romance thing). He said like imagine if one of my closest friends started choosing someone else over me because I wasn't giving them all my attention/always showing my feelings for them. And I realised that that is kinda how I feel. Ok, I know that a romantic relationship/break-up is pretty different to this but, that is kinda how I feel a lot of the time- like I'm not a high priority for some of my friends because in their lives they consider their romantic whatever more important. This made me sad to read. I don't think being dumped by a friend is all that different than a romantic relationship break-up. Friends dump friends for a romantic relationship but then they expect the friends to still be there and be the same when it doesn't work out? no. I give all my friends a honeymoon period - basically so I don't have to be around them too much when they are at their most PDA-ing time, but if they keep blowing me off I lower their priority in my life starting with the size of their birthday presents and no longer inviting them to limited person events. I am very clear with them why they are being left out, then they have a choice to make an effort with the friendship or not. I haven't lost any of my good friends by doing this, and I am always there if/when there is some major break-up or something and they come to me about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Always looking for answers Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 8 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said: I don't think being dumped by a friend is all that different than a romantic relationship break-up. Friends dump friends for a romantic relationship but then they expect the friends to still be there and be the same when it doesn't work out? no. I totally agree with this. Yes, I understand that people make life long plans with a romantic partner and that a romantic relationship break up may feel different to them because the plans for the future all of the sudden have changed (I can relate to the stress of being kicked out of the house after a break up, which usually won't happen when a friendship ends because I don't live with my friends) but as far as being dumped goes: it always hurts when someone you care for, doesn't care enough for you to want to keep spending time with you. This is what gets me in relationships each time I'm single because I don't want to end up alone when I'm old. It's stupid, because relationships always give me stress and don't solve my feeling of loneliness. And always results in a break up anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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