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MrDane

Q for aces: did you change over time?

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MrDane

This is a serious question. I guess you are asexual, but did your level of sexuality or your approach to being romantic change over time. Some sexual women find themselves changing a bit during or after the menopause. Some no longer feel a desire to have sex other find that they are more relaxed about their aging body, than before. 

 

I were just wondering if you have gone from one thing to another while growing older. 

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chandrakirti

Not in this case, I was always oblivious to the crushes going on around me, but still ended up feeling obliged to do the marriage thing in my twenties. Thankfully I saw sense and from then I just went it alone, with daughter in tow.

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Moonchaser

Yes! I've been married over 30 years, started out much more willing to engage in sex, though I never really wanted it, it was a matter of wanting to keep my relationship alive and well. Stress sometimes changed that temporarily, but now that I'm older - past menopause, have chronic pain issues - I'm completely off it. It's not because I love my spouse any less, it's just that I feel a need to feel less obliged, especially when pain is involved. Also I feel that I compromised for long enough, now I need him to compromise and put up with none. I feel badly about it though. I only learned what asexuality is in my 50s, post-menopause, but learning that did help me feel more justified in saying no.

 

EDITED TO ADD: I should mention there was a time, pre-menopause, when my libido increased a great deal, due to hormonal fluctuations. So that was like a bonus for my spouse. I don't mean I became sexual, but I didn't mind as much during that time, though the menopausal turn off after that was no fun for him.

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bonny

I didn't know about the concept of asexuality until I was in my 30s and didn't work out that it probably applies to me until I was 39; but I kept detailed diaries from when I was a young teenager until well into my 30s, and as far as I can tell from reading them, my asexuality and aromanticism/queerplatonic-ness were much the same back then. I had one sexual relationship in my 20s, out of curiosity about what the experience of sex was like, and I have never had a romantic relationship.

I haven't started the menopause yet so I don't know if that will change anything.  

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Galactic Turtle

When I was very young (I guess until around age eight or nine) I didn't mind forms of physical contact with family members. I remember I used to stand on my dad's feet or ask to get my back rubbed. By the time I was twelve, however, I disliked being touched by anyone. Over time my dislike for touch has only grown. I'm twenty-four now.

 

In terms of romance I always thought of it as this far away thing that would just kind of happen someday kind of like how I knew in the back of my mind that someday I'd start bleeding between my legs and grow hair under my armpits and go to college. Despite not having crushes on people I was of the mindset that I was supposed to be interested/available and for most of my life there was this kind of expectation that I'd just be snatched up by a dude someday because that's just how it is. However once discovering that ace/aro was a thing that exists I've been able to move through life without this looming threat in the distance so in that sense my ideas about romance and my relationships with people in general has shifted. Like I'm not against the idea of me being in a relationship, it's just that I've never felt that way for anyone and I don't find the concept particularly appealing. It feels unnatural.

 

I used to be terrified of sexual things but these days I'm working on viewing it as a normal harmless thing that people can enjoy. As a writer I do find the way people relate with each other to be interesting so when it comes to sex especially it's easier for me to understand when it's in written form as a pleasurable thing that people do. In real life it still seems rather alien and I can't picture myself in sexual situations without feeling disgusting. Nevertheless It doesn't make me as squeamish as it used to when I was younger. Now it's just another thing that I'm not interested in doing like drinking coffee or getting my ears pierced. 

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Member7783

My change is noticeable and it's a result of the combination of both accepting myself as I am and the gradual decrease of testosterone that has happened in the last few years.

 

Emotionally, the changes are more noticeable and they are really related to not feeling like some sort of failure for not being able to play along with the...role?  that society thinks I ought to be able to play.  I'm much more comfortable with myself than I was even a few years ago.

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fuzzipueo

For me, I've been fairly steady since my teens. Not interested in either romance or sex and I do miss romantic things going on around me. 

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MrDane

Wow, this is an interesting read for me, a sexual. I have an asexual wife, and my concern is that I wonder how much she has compromised and if someday the cup will be full.

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Sally

I had sex with a husband and then a partner for years, and stopped when I became aware that I was actually asexual, instead of just not very good at trying to like sex.  Since then, I've become slightly repulsed -- I now can't imagine how I did it all those years.  

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FictoVore.

I hated having sex I didn't want for my own pleasure (understandably) and did that for about 5 or 6 years, no idea how I put up with it for so long - I just believed it was something I had to  do as a female and i wished the whole time that it could be different, it got harder  and harder  to cope with the sex as time went  on as well :o but over time since then I have developed into someone who does actively desire and enjoy certain forms of sexual intimacy with the right person.. so my 'change' was going from very asexual-seeming to practically hypersexual haha :P

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Caphyra

Good question with no easy answer. I am currently in menopause and in the same time frame have discovered asexuality. At this time I am demisexual in my history but I have been inconsistent over the years I think. Sometimes very sexual..sometimes sex repulsed, sometimes “normal”, always feeling uncomfortable with the focus on sex. At times I enjoyed kissing...now it repulses me. At times did not mind being touched; now I have not been touched for so long I am unsure if I dislike it. I don’t think any of this is directly related to menopause...indirectly related to not being in a safe relationship and living in a foreign country. I like to imagine that if I was with a trusted partner I would still have the desire for intimacy no matter what. But my path is one of solitude now and I do not have any expectation of finding a person to share my life with...hold on to your partner if she means something to you and you to her. 

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coyote55

I've been about the same all along, with somewhat less libido than in earlier years. It's still around, like an itch on my arm; but I've never felt an urge to involve other people in it, any more than I'd scratch someone else's arm to relieve an itch on mine.

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Astryda

It hasn't changed for me, except for that I'm not so much sex-repulsed anymore. But I'm 29 so haven't gone through menopause, if you want to view it in that context.

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oldgeeza

Having tried it due to peer pressure, I'm glad I did try it even though I hated every second of it, although I am not sex repulsed, I know it's not for me, I love everything else about intimacy and relationships, I just have no desire for sexual intercourse 

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Little Sparrow

I think at the core I never changed, but superficially I did. At school I had a crush on a guy, but when I struck up a (completely platonic) friendship with him, I didn't feel like I was missing out. Later I was in a relationship for a while, mostly long distance, so not much opportunity for sex. I was willing to try, but not because I felt a desire, but because I thought it was part and parcel of a relationship, and I wanted to do it for my partner. It didn't go well. I did enjoy the cuddling and kissing parts, though. When I found the definition of asexuality not that long ago (couple of years?) I realised that that's exactly it: a lack of sexual attraction. Looking back, I don't think I've ever experienced sexual attraction at all. Other kinds of attraction yes, but the kind that makes you think "oh, I'd love to have sex with this person" - never.

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Nidwin

I'm a 48 Years old dude who was born aro ace. Nothing has changed since day one on my side.

 

What has changed is how I think about the entire past and present situation. Before I discovered that someone had put an a before sexual and the AVEN portal I would have "probably" compromised. Because sex, making out, licking each other, grabbing butts, ... is expected in a relationship so being a nice dude I would have probably complied and done my expected part.

Now that I know better it's a no way, no go. I won't compromise and I'll make sure, from minute one, that this aspect of my personality is fully understood adn fully agreed on before we go for a coffee or a couple of beers-glass of wine.

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Sleighcaptain

Yes, I've given up pretending to be heterosexual, and accepted that I'm asexual. If I'd heard of the term before I'd have identified as Ace much sooner 

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miettaisace

this question is confusing? i was 3 when i expressed the fact i didnt wanna have sex and 11 when i came out as ace so i dont think i changed sexually because i never was. i think my mind had to change because i love watching love movies and listening to romantic songs so i had to change knowing i wont have that same story. there wont be a man who sweeps me off my feet and we fall in love and bone...like best ill get is a great male friend who is fun to hang with...i dont get to have a man to bone because i dont wanna bone, but because i was taught man meets girl, they fall in love and swag i felt like i lost something. now im kinda over it. im fine alone anyway. but i cant have a relationship with somebody who is ace because if they dont wanna fuck me how do i know they really love me lol. 

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[noize:injekktion]

nah. I've never really been into things like that.

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NerdyBassist

I think my I interest in sex has decreased over time. I've always enjoyed more "romantic" things like cuddling, kissing, and an emotional connection, but when it comes down to sex im just really not that interested. I've been in sexual relationships, so it's ok if I care about someone, but it's generally more for them than me. 

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MrDane

I like sex and could have it every day, though I would rather have it 2-3 times a week. Best with a mix of sometimes lustful, eat-me-up wild, horny stuff but mostly just simple, no fuzz, get-it-over-with quickies. It has been that way for the last 30 years.

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EarthMama

I've always thought I just didn't 'evolve' past the tweens, where sex was something giggled about because of the social/religious/cross-generational taboos placed upon it.

 

After I finally had it, and the whole...you mean, that's IT?????? disbelief which ran through me, I was certain that the taboo's were aggressively pushed by mankind as a whole to sell dildos and porn and...well, just about everything else.

Never entered my mind that people out there got more from sex than just a bit of sweat.

 

So, no...I've not changed over time.  The only thing that did change was my finally figuring out that sex IS a big deal to most folk, and my views on the activity were always a bit cynical.

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smack12776

I've never really had an interest in sex. My first sexual encounter was *meh* which was okay, it allowed me to retreat back into my little asexual shell for a while. However, I did meet someone (my ex-husband) and developed an interest in sex but was never really romantic or interested in romance. In high school, I had boyfriends that were more like platonic friends and enjoyed those relationships very much because they were not intimate ones. But even then, finding a boyfriend was not my priority or something I actively pursued. In my mid 30's I experienced health problems which made it easy for me to (again) go deeper with exploring what I was feeling, looking for, etc from a partner and realized that sex wasn't a part of the deal. 

 

 

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To Each Their Own

I fell into compulsory heteronormativity after high school (it was a traumatic experience for me). That was followed by many years of pretending to by heterosexual (making up stories about friends-with-benefits, etc.) to appear to normal. Followed by pretending to homosexual (in an attempt to stop being hit on by men).  Looking back, I’ve always been aromantic.

 

Finding asexuality was actually a freedom for me because I finally had a word for what I was and I could stop pretending to be a precariously ‘broken hetorsexual’ or a ‘fake homosexual.’ I could confidently be the asexual I’ve always been.  

 

I’m 49 and three-quarters....so almost 50. Before I had the word ‘asexual’ I used to use the word ‘nothing’ when people asked me what I was. So, whether it’s ‘nothing’ or ‘asexual’ it all works for me. It’s not likely to change.

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GryphonLover

Looking back, I've always been clearly ace even though I didn't have a word for it.  But there were two times I was considering having sex with someone I trusted, just to satisfy my curiosity.  Now I definitely wouldn't.  And I'm even more upset by sexual comments made about me. 

I'm not sure that I've changed internally.  I think I've always been sex-repulsed, and I'm just less willing to put up with sexual stuff now that I feel part of a community of asexuals, rather than one aberration who should make an effort to fit in.

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Shadowstepper

I didn't know asexuality was thing until very recently, but I've felt exactly the same my entire life. I just thought something was wrong with me that couldn't be fixed no matter what I did to try to be normal.

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mari
12 hours ago, Shadowstepper said:

I didn't know asexuality was thing until very recently, but I've felt exactly the same my entire life. I just thought something was wrong with me that couldn't be fixed no matter what I did to try to be normal.

For some time I felt the same (that something was wrong with me) but then I discovered that asexual spectrum exist.

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daveb

I would say my aceness hasn't changed. I'm just more enlightened now (since discovering AVEN and asexuality). Now I have a frame of reference and know myself and my needs and wants better. And being male-bodied the question of menopause is moot for me. :lol:

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