How to know if you want to date someone vs just be friends?

[LostInAce]

I’m an ace who’s nearly 30 and for my entire life I always assumed I was aromantic.  Without the drive of sexual attraction, romantic relationships never made sense to me.  It confused me that in relationships devoid of sex people could quantify a single other as the most important person in their life since we are clearly capable of maintaining numerous friendships.  Basically I’ve always been happy having a group of close friends I cared about equally and never saw a reason to want anything else.

 

Recently however I’ve started to question my romantic orientation which has honestly been an terrifying experience.  I met a new friend about a year ago and for the majority of our time getting to know each other everything felt normal.  I was happy to find a new friend that I got along so well with, but hanging with them didn’t feel any different being with any other good friend.  That all changed about a month ago.

 

Suddenly I started feeling the desire to be near them and have their attention.  I began thinking about them all the time and wanting to be physically close to them be it cuddling or just holding hands.  I’ve never experienced any of this with a friend before and it’s FREAKING ME OUT!

 

From these feelings I’ve started to question whether or not I want to try and date this person and whether I’m aromantic or not.  It’s been difficult to figure out on my own since I don’t know if I fully understand dating.  The emotional and physical closeness that comes with dating seems like it would fulfill these emotions I’m feeling, but at the same time I don’t know how to get over my long held belief that there can’t only be a single person in the world you care the most about.  My logical side says humans relationships aren’t numbers where we can easily determine who is more important, while my emotional side tell me I do care about this new friend more than my other friends.

 

I have two fears when it comes to this situation.  The first is if start a dating relationship and then realize I still am aromantic.  If that is the case then I don’t know if I can give back what someone expects in a romantic relationship and that would cause the relationship to crumble (this person is a romantic ace so luckily sex isn't an issue).  My second fear is by dating this person I am accepting them as the most important person in my life.  While that sounds nice in theory it scares me that I am closing the door to future friends that I also might feel similarly close to.

 

As an ace, how do you know if you want to date someone vs just be super close friends?  Does it sound like I should put aside my long held belief and try to date this person if they’re receptive to the idea? 

[LoStSouLs]

I'm not an ace, or aro. But I am trying to date an aro ace. So maybe an insight from the opposite side might help.

 

For me personally I want to do anything I can to help the other person out. The magic I feel when I am around them, is all that I am seeking from the relationship. I would never force desires that I feel onto them unless they themselves say they are open to it.

 

As for your fears. The first one is if you know they like you back, then you need to talk to them about what you want from the relationship. If you keep it all inside, the other person won't know how you are feeling. You have to let them know that you like them, and that some days you might just want to sit next to them, that you just want to cuddle, or that you just want their presence there.

 

The second fear, Once again it is about communication with the person you like. Let them know your fears, let them see the vulnerable side of you. If they care for you as much as you do for them, they will understand your fears and can help you move forward. 

 

I will say that for the aro ace that I am try to date  she is a lot like you, and I am trying to just be there for her as best I can, not crowd her or force her into the relationship. I confessed to her months ago. I am enjoying every chance I get to spend with her, that she wants to spend with me, but to let her have as much space as she needs when she needs it. There are days that are really hard on me, because I love her a lot, but I understand that she may never come around to wanting what I want, and I am fine with that, because I will still be able to be around her.

[neighway]

I don't think being in a romantic relationship necessarily has to mean you care about them more than the other people in your life, just that you care about them in a different way. For example, there are these two guys who have been huge parts of my life. One was a friend, one was more than that. There were definitely times where I kinda had a crush on my friend, but overall, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him. I'm happy with our super close friendship. The other person, I know I want to be with. It's just this feeling that I get when I'm near him. But I don't care about him more than my friend. They're equally important to me. They know more about me than anyone else in my life, and I've held hands with both of them, and they've both kissed me. But with the friend, it was platonic, and with the other guy, we had feelings for each other. 

 

As for your fears about still being aromantic, I would hope the other person would understand, but I can get how that might be hard. Luckily, you guys have a friendship already. When I was with the guy that I like, everything between us was romantic right off the bat, so we didn't have a friendship to fall back on once it ended. Things were weird and confusing for a while afterwards. That being said, we were never on bad terms, and we are still friends now. So things might be a little awkward at times, but I don't think it would doom your relationship. I think the most important thing is to just give yourself time. And if you do start dating, take things slow. Good luck with everything 

[SorryNotSorry]

Totally different lifestyles. 

 

A party animal would be a poor match for a study nerd, and a nomad would be a poor match for a home-improvement nut.

 

It will probably not work if you're an anti-smoking guy with the hots for the Virginia Slims girl.

[Homer]

It's one of those "you'll know it once you feel it" things. If you aren't sure, you probably never felt it. Now it appears that you do feel different indeed which might well indicate a different set of feelings. It's impossible to tell from behind a screen.

 

4 hours ago, LostInAce said:

but at the same time I don’t know how to get over my long held belief that there can’t only be a single person in the world you care the most about.

But that's what "most" means. It's the absolute top. There can only be one. But...

 

4 hours ago, LostInAce said:

My logical side says humans relationships aren’t numbers where we can easily determine who is more important, while my emotional side tell me I do care about this new friend more than my other friends.

...different relationships serve different purposes. People relate to each other based on different things and the importance of a specific person may shift in a specific situation.

 

 

4 hours ago, LostInAce said:

I have two fears when it comes to this situation.  The first is if start a dating relationship and then realize I still am aromantic.  If that is the case then I don’t know if I can give back what someone expects in a romantic relationship and that would cause the relationship to crumble (this person is a romantic ace so luckily sex isn't an issue).  My second fear is by dating this person I am accepting them as the most important person in my life.  While that sounds nice in theory it scares me that I am closing the door to future friends that I also might feel similarly close to.

Nobody can tell you how you'll feel in advance. You can either go for it and see what it turns out to be or you can leave it be right away. There is a chance that you'll find out "Whoops, this isn't what I thought it would be/feel like/...", but there's just one way to find out. Honesty would be key in that case. There's no point in pretending anything. Oh and no, you're not closing any door. However similarly close you might feel to someone, whatever you feel would be different from what you feel for your partner. Note: "Different", not "less valuable". As I already said, different relationships develop in different ways.

[MrDane]

On a daily basis, commitment to your SO also means sticking it out and staying during harder times. It means you dont search/seek better partners and that you do this out of the basic love/understanding/respect you have.  Being mutually exclusive or lwe are together as a couple” isnt only a thing about love, but also a practical platform to build a life on. I do respect and understand all kinds of other ways to live, but I am just saying to my wife as a general rule that there is a stream of love, which carries her name, flowing slowly through me. Others may come and relationshipsmay change, but she was the first and that matters as well.

Living is the possibility for new friends, and you could get even better friends than your SO, but is not a competition and it is about commitment and knowing what you have and what to expect. No need