"not completely cis"?

[Bloc]

Hi,

 

I don't know if this the right forum. If it is not, please move the post.

 

After questioning and reevaluating my romantic ans sexual orientation at least for the moment, I've started to question my gender identity. In the past I was certain I am cis-male. Now I've some doubts I might be "not completely cis". I don't know how to call it as I don't feel that trans fits me, but cis seems also not (completely) correct.

 

Here is my situation:

Starting sometime in puberty, I did sometimes/often feel not masculine enough. (I don't remember when exactly as this about 20 years ago) I tried to compensate the felt lack of masculinity by reacting aggressively when my masculinity/heterosexuality was questioned. Now that I am more or less comfortable with my asexuality I don't feel the need to defend my masculinity any more. I am just who I am and if it is not considered masculine then I don't really care. At least this it what I believe now.

 

Lately, I remembered that around the age of 12-13 I had the wish to have not genitals at at. After discovering masturbation this wish disappeared. I don't know how common this is, if it is connected to asexuality or just a weird phase in puberty. During the last five years I am asking my self occasionally how it would be to have a female body. I also remember that when a woman in a climbing club asked when swimming in a pool, who of the men wants to have a vagina, I felt I cannot tell that I would like to have for some time just to know how it feels, if I can safely have my penis back later, or I would just be seen as the creepy pervert.

 

The following I've put in a spoiler, as it contains more detailed discussion of masturbation

Spoiler

Sometimes during masturbation I experience a strange sensation. Sometimes with increased arousal the mental image of my body changes to a body with female features. Then I don't want to touch my penis. Instead I am extremely sensitive everywhere else and even the slightest touch is pleasing.

I don't know if this some strange fetish or a sign of not being "completely cis".

 

Can somebody else relate to this experiences or is this just an example of how weird humans are?

 

I don't know how to phrase it, "not completely cis" seems to be the best I could come up with to describe how I feel, but I would like to get better suggestions how to call it.

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

All I can say is that it is just as valid to feel that your identity is partly related to the sort of body you'd like to have, and that I kind of don't want genitals myself, of any kind, though I'm assigned female at birth. And also, if you don't feel bad about genitals/sex characteristics that doesn't mean you can't identify as a different gender-it's a decision which you make to be happy with who you are and how you're seen in society.

 

Humans are weird, in all kinds of ways, but that doesn't mean your weirdness doesn't deserve a name and reassurance that you're not alone! And I replied because I relate to some of what you say, especially since physical dysphoria is more of an issue for me than social, so it's more about how I see my body to some extent. Basically you're not alone though I didn't read your spoiler cause too sex-repulsed!

[Bloc]

Thanks for your answer.

16 minutes ago, Lonemathsytoothbrushthief said:

All I can say is that it is just as valid to feel that your identity is partly related to the sort of body you'd like to have, and that I kind of don't want genitals myself, of any kind, though I'm assigned female at birth. And also, if you don't feel bad about genitals/sex characteristics that doesn't mean you can't identify as a different gender-it's a decision which you make to be happy with who you are and how you're seen in society.

I like my body how it is now.  I am more like curious how a female body feels like, but only if can have my current body back. Maybe it's just me generalizing my own feelings, but I would suspect may cis people have a similar curiosity.

 

My feeling of not being masculine enough was due to not fitting to what I believed society/peers see as masculine. I still don't fit (all) expectations of being male, whoever I don't care as much, but I am still uncomfortable in situations where I feel the expectation to be masculine or I am not sure if it is expected.

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

Well I guess it's up to you to decide if you fit another gender, I mean there are demi genders so you can be a demiboy, and lots of genderfluid/flux identities. Either way I think you're right about cis people sometimes being curious.

[Finn.]

Grüße aus Deutschland =)

 

I think what you're referring to in your spoiler could be both, natural curiosity/fantasy as well as body dysphoria. I know I don't want to actually physically have a penis. But occasionally masturbation makes me dysphoric because I don't have one. At the same time, I'd like to have no genitals at all. Minds work in confusing ways.

 

Not meeting society's expectations of masculinity doesn't make you (general you) any less cis. But of course, if there already is a distinct feeling of not being cis, of not being fully male, then this factor can feel really important and relevant. In the end it's all about what you are more comfortable with. If you don't feel like "One of the guys" or just simple like a man, maybe another term might fit you better. As mentioned before, demigender (in this case demiguy/demiboy/demiman) comes to mind. You can also say "nonbinary man". Maybe you can read along this forum and see how other people describe their experiences and see what you relate to?

[Bloc]

17 hours ago, Finn. said:

Not meeting society's expectations of masculinity doesn't make you (general you) any less cis. But of course, if there already is a distinct feeling of not being cis, of not being fully male, then this factor can feel really important and relevant.

Thanks for your insight. It is not a distinct feeling. It is a more vague maybe there is something. But there no hurry in putting a label on it. I don't want appropriate a label when it is not really fitting, just to have some fancy label.

It is just the observation that lately I do care less if others see me as male. I am more kind of anxious about how they would react if I present less masculine. Will they be hostile etc.?