its-from-japan Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 I'm a 15 year old girl, and I've never had a crush. my friends all seem so surprised when i tell them, but it's just how it is, i don't get crushes. i get "squishes", when i really want to be someone's friend or know them, and sometimes i'll think of people i'm willing to date (although the list is pretty small since im not very popular whoops), but i've never liked anyone. i do have a sex drive, so i don't think i'm ace (also from other things that i'm just not gonna mention lol). but i might be aro? since middle school, i've assumed i'm bi, although i've never gotten crushes to figure it out for sure. but the thing is, i don't want to be aro. i know it's not that i'm broken, but it still feels like i'm unable to love. it's not that i don't want to date people, i do. i want to have a gf/bf, go on stupid dates, makeout, do all those couple-y things. it could always be that i have higher standards, or trust issues (i've been let down by friends a lot, and i'm kind of lonely tbh), or maybe i just haven't found the right person. i'm more for a serious relationship, and i know i'm young but i don't want the awkward encounters that most people my age have in a relationship. that's what held me back from a friend who asked me to hoco, and i rejected. i wanted to stay friends, because i felt like anything more would be too awkward. i'm not the most popular person, so the few people that have liked me has never been people i could see myself in a relationship with. i daydream a lot, so sometimes i imagine myself with a girlfriend or boyfriend, which is nice, but i know that's not how love works. i've been really desperate for love recently, from both loneliness and to assure myself that i can feel love. that was kind of vent-y lol, sorry bout that. any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Alrighty. First off don't worry about being 'venty', venting is good. Clears your head, helps convey how you're feeling and what you're thinking. Some aces have a libido, so that doesn't mean you aren't ace and no one here is at liberty to tell you what you are anyway. If you want to go on dates by all means do so, being aro or ace or any combo of the two doesn't mean you can't and along with that there's always the possibility that your feelings will change somewhere down the road. If they don't? That's a-okay. You can't choose your feelings, or your orientation. Sometimes it takes your heart time to accept things your brain already knows. Link to post Share on other sites
bluejeanjirl Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Be patient child. Not everyone feels attraction at such a young age. Do not feel strange or out of place. Everyone is different --a mantra my mother repeated endlessly --but momma was right! To each their own, meaning that your time may come -be patient..... I am sorry to be repeating. I want to try to reassure you,.... attraction is different for some,... you need to find the right people and the right relationships for you. Do not let your friends pressure you or make you feel like there is something wrong with you. You can always come here, to Aven, and vent or ask questions, and find friends who will not judge you. Patience is a virtue. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 43 minutes ago, bluejeanjirl said: Be patient child. Not everyone feels attraction at such a young age. THIS Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Some people get crushes later than others. Yah, alot have experienced crushes since they were real young, but some haven't; some got their first crush at 18. But some people experience low-key crushes and just want emotional closeness with the person. The difference between a squish and a low-key crush is that a squish normally has a degree of friendship in mind (friend, close friend, bestie) and they also go away once the desired bond is reached. If they don't then it's a crush. If by sex-drive you just mean masturbation (using erotica or not), then that's normal for asexuals. Most asexuals masturbate and most use some form of erotica to do so. But sexuality can develop as late as 17;a minority at 20, so your orientation (sexually and romantically) could likely still be developing. If by sex-drive you mean a desire to have sex with others, then yes, that's not asexuality. If you do still end up being aromantic, you'll either end up hating yourself forever or accept it. There are alot of people who wish they weren't into the same gender (gay/bi). I ask you, why do you want to be in a relationship? Because it's normal (to your peers or parents)? Because it looks fun? Because people say not being in one is lonely? Because you don't think there are others like you? What do you think of not being in a relationship? Are your opinions on the matter genuine or social constructs? Having 'high standards' has nothing to do with not getting crushes. That language came about from people who DO get crushes but are too pickey about which one to choose to date. And those people not understanding that others function differently and using that same language on others. However, yes, negative self perspective can prevent romantic feelings from developing. And if you are asexual, other people being sexual/expecting sex may be turning you off toward them. All my crushes have been on people I didn't feel were very sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
its-from-japan Posted November 24, 2017 Author Share Posted November 24, 2017 26 minutes ago, Star Bit said: Some people get crushes later than others. Yah, alot have experienced crushes since they were real young, but some haven't; some got their first crush at 18. But some people experience low-key crushes and just want emotional closeness with the person. The difference between a squish and a low-key crush is that a squish normally has a degree of friendship in mind (friend, close friend, bestie) and they also go away once the desired bond is reached. If they don't then it's a crush. If by sex-drive you just mean masturbation (using erotica or not), then that's normal for asexuals. Most asexuals masturbate and most use some form of erotica to do so. But sexuality can develop as late as 17;a minority at 20, so your orientation (sexually and romantically) could likely still be developing. If by sex-drive you mean a desire to have sex with others, then yes, that's not asexuality. If you do still end up being aromantic, you'll either end up hating yourself forever or accept it. There are alot of people who wish they weren't into the same gender (gay/bi). I ask you, why do you want to be in a relationship? Because it's normal (to your peers or parents)? Because it looks fun? Because people say not being in one is lonely? Because you don't think there are others like you? What do you think of not being in a relationship? Are your opinions on the matter genuine or social constructs? Having 'high standards' has nothing to do with not getting crushes. That language came about from people who DO get crushes but are too pickey about which one to choose to date. And those people not understanding that others function differently and using that same language on people who don't have more than one crush at once. However, yes, negative self perspective can prevent romantic feelings from developing. And if you are asexual, other people being sexual/expecting sex may be turning you off toward them. All my crushes have been on people I didn't feel were very sexual. thanks! with the squish thing, i often aspire to be friends with people who don't know me, and i have trouble pursuing them, which means that i hope we can be friends but never take action to do anything about it (which is a completely different thing lol). it's a really long thing about why i feel in need of a relationship, but long story short, i've never had a close friend, and have been let down by most people. i just feel very lonely, and i crave an emotional connection with someone. i just want to feel loved, because it's something beyond what normal friendships can provide. also it does look fun lol. this isn't because of what "society has made me believe", because there are many people who don't need to be in a relationship and don't desire one. and i don't need to rely on just simply dating someone, for once, i want to be as important to someone as they are to me. i understand that friends can do this, but they never have in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
its-from-japan Posted November 24, 2017 Author Share Posted November 24, 2017 2 hours ago, bluejeanjirl said: Be patient child. Not everyone feels attraction at such a young age. Do not feel strange or out of place. Everyone is different --a mantra my mother repeated endlessly --but momma was right! To each their own, meaning that your time may come -be patient..... I am sorry to be repeating. I want to try to reassure you,.... attraction is different for some,... you need to find the right people and the right relationships for you. Do not let your friends pressure you or make you feel like there is something wrong with you. You can always come here, to Aven, and vent or ask questions, and find friends who will not judge you. Patience is a virtue. thank you, it means a lot! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Good; at least you know the root of the reason on why you desire a relationship. If you know it's just a desire for friendship why don't you actually pursue that? It doesn't have to be with squishes. I know you've been let down before, but maybe be more picky on who you befriend and maybe choose a different type of person than the ones who let you down. Besties can love you-- you're supposed to love your bestie, and if you don't that's not a bestie. Would you just want that? Many Aros desire queerplatonic relationships, colloquially aka bromance/sismance/hetromance or super besties. Would you want that? Yes, according to today's deluted vision of friendship it's rare to find either of these. But just because you've yet to find such things in friends doesn't mean what you really seek isn't just friendship. And yes it is a social constructs if you think relationships are fun; not long ago relationships didn't involve any of that and alot of the actions in them are cultural, so if you grew up somewhere else you wouldn't have this yearning for a relationship. And relationships aren't fun like the media gravely inaccurately depicts. They take alot of work and compromising and most of them fight. Before romanticism became this hip thing relationships weren't a major goal in life. And if you did settle down no one expected them to be perfect, or a full list of things exclusively from their partner. Friendships back in the day were far far closer than they are and have gradually decreased over the decades; most notably in the U.S. Link to post Share on other sites
Yatagarasu Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 20 hours ago, bluejeanjirl said: Be patient child. Not everyone feels attraction at such a young age. Do not feel strange or out of place. Everyone is different --a mantra my mother repeated endlessly --but momma was right! I totally agree with this statement. I've seen many people developing, sooner or later, their attraction towards someone. Take your time! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 There's plenty time to grow into yourself, don't feel pressured to be anyone in particular. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Um, would you like to see a history of relationships and friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Ghostmilk Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I dont want to be aromantic im trying to be proud of who i am i know theres nothing wrong with being aromantic or asexual but i just really wish i could feel romantic attraction but im i cant and im romance repulsed... I go through waves of "hell yeah aroace and proud" and then this... I think it has something to do with aro loneliness but idk... Link to post Share on other sites
AmorphousBlob Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Everything else I wanna say has already been said, so here. Honestly I have no clue if this is what you want to hear, but love isn't just romantic and sexual. I love my friends and my family, and yea, its a different kind. But even if you are aromantic/asexual that doesn't mean you can't be loved and feel love. Love comes in many different forms. Sorry if this wasn't the answer you wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
cazclub Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Sometimes I feel good about being aromantic and other times I wish I wasn't... I guess everyone needs time to grow into their identities and feel comfortable with it. Link to post Share on other sites
saffi Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Wow, um, reading this felt really weird because it’s exactly what I feel, so, yeah. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHairedHippo Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 I’ve felt that way too. That I hated being aro because that means that I’m going to be lonely. Especially because I can’t fake being in love with someone because someone romantically liking me freaks me out. But then I think about the really good friends that I’ve had and realize that I don’t need a romantic partner to not feel lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
Graciie33 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Hii all. I'm 14, I'll be turning 15 in January, and I feel this way too. For a while I thought I was aromantic, and just accepted that I was, and was okay with it, but now I'm starting to think I may not be aro at all, and I want to step into the dating world. But I've never really developed an attraction for anyone so I feel hopeless. I don't want to be aromantic, I want to love and be loved. As Its-from-japan said, " i crave an emotional connection with someone". Recently it's been getting me down because all my friends have dated people before, or are currently dating people, and I've been starting to feel jealous of them because I want to experience that too, but I've never developed an attraction to anyone. I try to think about how I'd feel if I were dating the boys in my school, but the idea just seems weird and uncomfortable. I wonder if the reason I'm finding the idea of me being romantically involved with others uncomfortable, is tied to my anxiety or aspergers? I hope that I'll develop these feelings for people soon, but I still get upset thinking about it, or worry that maybe it won't happen. Link to post Share on other sites
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