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Jaxson

Hi everyone,

I'm in a relationship with someone who has mentioned they may be asexual. We've been together for almost 6 years and have a 2 year old and another on the way, a house together and have had a commitment ceremony a few years ago. I'm sexual and have been finding it difficult fulfilling my physical needs. My wife doesn't show affection i.e. no kissing, hand holding, hugs and definitely never initiates sex. I have given up iniating any form of affection or intimacy, because the rejection hurts too much. I'm scared of hurting her feelings or making her feel pressured to be affectionate or sexual with me. We've had couples therapy but she cancelled after a year. Our discussions were about everything but sex. I feel awful when I get frustrated sexually or think about sex or kissing. It's got to the point where I feel so alone, unattractive and unloved.

I want this relationship to work I'm just feeling lost. I feel so low and just don't know what to do.

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Lie-RennyValkyrie_

I'm probably not he best person for advice seeing as I'm Aromantic and also a teenager but I'll try and help.

 

First and foremost you need communication. All relationships need communication even friendships. I suggest you talk to your wife and work out what her boundaries are and work from there you might find that even though she seems unwilling to do something she is actually fine with it. I know personally I rarely ever give hugs and when I do there is always a reason (eg. Someone is crying or its family so I'm forced to) and if someone hugs me my normal reaction is one that clearly conveys that I don't want to be hugged. I actually crave hugging and snuggling and it's one of the few physical contact I want. 

 

I know a few aces who are married/in long term relationships with people who are sexual such as yourself and so they have set times sort of that they have sex or whatever it is. It takes the stress away from the asexual as they know that they won't be wanted to do something out of the blue. And if the partner wants to do something outside that time then they talk about it first and make sure they are both comfortable with each others limits and stuff.

 

Who knows you and your wife may decide that you would be able to have someone else to fulfil you sexual needs if thats something you would be okay with  doing (note I'm not suggesting you cheat on her. I mean this only if you both agree on it). Although its unlikely.

 

Idk if that was helpful as I said before I'm not really the best person to give advice. The furthest I've gone in a relationship is VERY awkwardly hugging them goodbye/being hugged goodbye.

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Telecaster68

I think a year of couples' therapy would indicate that the OP's doing his best to communicate, but it takes two, and his wife doesn't want to do her part. By not talking, she's prevent any chance of a compromise. The issue at this point is lack of communication from her, rather than sex.

 

I'm the sexual husband of a functionally asexual wife and I recognise this situation all too well. This isn't your problem or hers individually, it's a relationship problem, and she's refusing to deal with her share of the responsibility by refusing to talk about it. Not wanting to have sex is one thing, not showing any sign of affection is another and probably far more damaging.

 

It may be that she's avoiding any physical contact because she thinks it encourage to initiate sex; or she no longer feels any attraction to you; or she just doesn't have any need for physical contact (or an actual aversion to it). Obviously she doesn't owe you sex or even, necessarily, physical affection, but it's not unreasonable that this would be a huge issue in your relationship, and by opting out of any discussion of it, she's pushing you away and your only direction is 'out'.

 

Have you gleaned from her whether she's just not interested in sex with anyone, ever? Or is it just with you? Does she have a libido, but she's just not interested in sharing it with you? Are there other marital issues she's bothered about?

 

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Treesarepretty

@Jaxson, there is a pinned thread in this forum about compromise, but all of the compromises that work require lots of communication, and if your wife won't communicate then that is a problem in itself. The thread is here: 

 

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think a year of couples' therapy would indicate that the OP's doing his best to communicate, but it takes two, and his wife doesn't want to do her part. By not talking, she's prevent any chance of a compromise. The issue at this point is lack of communication from her, rather than sex.

This seems to be a theme, doesn't it? I have only been here a short time and I swear that at least a half dozen people have come here whose relationship troubles can be boiled down to different sex desires plus a refusal to communicate on the part of one of the partners making the whole thing much, much worse. 

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Telecaster68

Think about it from the asexual perspective though... what would talking achieve? They want a sexless relationship, and they've got it. Talking about it will be painful and lead to having sex or splitting up, in all likelihood. They've already got the other possible result - their partner settling for no sex - so there's no possible positive outcome for them. Best case is a really painful conversation... 

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WhyCantIBeACat
41 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

@Jaxson

This seems to be a theme, doesn't it? I have only been here a short time and I swear that at least a half dozen people have come here whose relationship troubles can be boiled down to different sex desires plus a refusal to communicate on the part of one of the partners making the whole thing much, much worse. 

I'm in a similar position. The lack of sex is one thing, but the total avoidance of a discussion on the matter compounds the problem massively.

 

In my case, my wife is open to some compromise, so I don't think it is because she can only get a worse situation by talking. I think it's more because she either doesn't really understand what I'm asking, doesn't want to accept the "label" or doesn't think it is important enough to spend time thinking about.

 

None of this helps very much, other than letting you know that others are on the same situation (or similar). 

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WhyCantIBeACat
30 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Think about it from the asexual perspective though... what would talking achieve? They want a sexless relationship, and they've got it. Talking about it will be painful and lead to having sex or splitting up, in all likelihood. They've already got the other possible result - their partner settling for no sex - so there's no possible positive outcome for them. Best case is a really painful conversation... 

Perhaps having this painful conversation now could help prevent an even more painful separation in the future? 

Edited by WhyCantIBeACat
Typo.

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Treesarepretty
13 minutes ago, WhyCantIBeACat said:

Perhaps having this painful conversation now could help prevent an even more painful separation in the future? 

That would require realizing that separation is a possibility, which requires communication. 

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Telecaster68

Would an email / letter break the impasse? 

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WhyCantIBeACat
6 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

That would require realizing that separation is a possibility, which requires communication. 

Agreed. In my experience they can be blissfully unaware that there is a problem, although I would have thought that a year of therapy might have given some idea all was not roses. 

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Telecaster68

Didn't the therapist push the subject? 

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MrDane

Feeling lonely, even though being with a partner. The mixed relationships and their problems comes in many forms, but I think this is quite common. 

 

Does she say, why she no longer wants to share this sex-thing with you, as this is something which gives you a lot, even if it is done without a personal drive, without enthusiasm, and more  massage, than sexy sex. 

 

@Jaxson Im on a schedule with lowfrequency of touch and kind words. It works to some extend, though I sometimes an unhealthy shift in the balanceof our relationship. 

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Treesarepretty
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Didn't the therapist push the subject? 

If @Jaxson and his wife talked with a therapist for a full year and sex never came up, then they must have had a lot more problems than just lack of communication and different sex drives. ☹

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MrDane
10 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

If @Jaxson and his wife talked with a therapist for a full year and sex never came up, then they must have had a lot more problems than just lack of communication and different sex drives. ☹

Yes, I was thinking the same. Many therapists would even recommend intimacy to be a move towards finding out, how you feel about the other partner.

 

having a two year old can be a difficult situation if you do not work together on that ‘project’!

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Telecaster68

That's why I asked... 

 

It might be there are other issues, it might be that the wife is stonewalling or denying, it might be that the therapist is exploring other issues first to understand the entire situation, it might be that the therapist doesn't see it as a problem either, it might be that the therapist isn't very good. Who knows... 

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Nidwin
On 24/11/2017 at 1:55 PM, Jaxson said:

I want this relationship to work I'm just feeling lost. I feel so low and just don't know what to do.

 

And what if that's not possible, for your relationshop to work the way you want it to work?

One kid and another on the way, meaning that there has been some sex in your couple. You can't expect miracles here as the amount of sex an ace wants/requires is close to zero for five/six up to eight decades.

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Nidwin
On 25/11/2017 at 10:57 AM, Telecaster68 said:

That's why I asked... 

 

It might be there are other issues, it might be that the wife is stonewalling or denying, it might be that the therapist is exploring other issues first to understand the entire situation, it might be that the therapist doesn't see it as a problem either, it might be that the therapist isn't very good. Who knows... 

It might also be that jaxson's wife isn't only asexual but also aromantic and that after the second one's going to be born it's going to go downhill.

 

Not for you Tele as you already know this, but for some newcomers looking for answers.

 

It's not that we aro aces are icebergs without feelings or needs. It's that we don't require all that physical contact stuff. A lot of what you, sexuals, expect in a realtionship and seemingly need to be happy, goes over our heads or doesn't bring anything special for us.

 

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MrDane
On 27/11/2017 at 11:12 AM, Nidwin said:

It might also be that jaxson's wife isn't only asexual but also aromantic and that after the second one's going to be born it's going to go downhill.

 

Not for you Tele as you already know this, but for some newcomers looking for answers.

 

It's not that we aro aces are icebergs without feelings or needs. It's that we don't require all that physical contact stuff. A lot of what you, sexuals, expect in a realtionship and seemingly need to be happy, goes over our heads or doesn't bring anything special for us.

 

I know what you mean, @Nidwin

but it can easily be mistaken for cold and unloving, and sometimes it can be difficult to see the difference. Do you move away, because you dont like me or because you like me, but dont like to be near me or because you just dont like to be near anyone or because you expect that I expect to be even more near you, if you will let me?

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