Agender?

[Semiterrestrial Scientist]

What does it feel like to be agender? What is the difference between agender and non binary?

[Yep, me]

Agender is having no gender, non binary is a gender outside of the ‘typical’ binary.

[LeDeer]

For me, agender means I see myself (and would like to be seen) as neither male or female, but as a person with his own personality, his interests, etc..; just that. I don't like being put in the "female" or "male" box, I just want to be who I am and be seen as a person, like everyone. I don't feel like what I have in my pants should change anything in the way people see me. Being seen as female/woman kind of repulses me, while being seen as male/man sounds wrong (doesn't make me feel bad, just...it's not who I am?)

Not sure if what I wrote makes any sense, but it's the best way I can verbalize how I feel.

[Eisu]

I don't think I'm agender, but I might be. Idk. For now I'm settling on genderfluid, which I'll explain even if everyone knows because I'm not completely sure that I do:

 

Genderfluidity is where an individual can feel that their gender changes day to day, or at least often. It fluctuates from male to female to something in between or neither. The neither part of me will speak here.

 

When I feel that I am neither, it can be very confusing because I don't want to be identified as either male or female. Simply, one who is agender would not feel that either gender resonates with them, and they reject it. We are ourselves and nothing else. It makes sense, because in today's society, gender can be a limiting thing. Males hunt and females gather. The construct is ridiculous and outdated.

 

Hope this helps?

[Semiterrestrial Scientist]

Thanks guys. I was wondering cause my mom and I were talking in the car and she said something that made me kind of question myself. She asked if I wanted to be a boy and I said no but idk anymore. I wouldn’t mind being a boy. I think I would like it just as much as being a girl. Idk what this makes me. I kinda stuttered a bit and had to think about it so we kinda just dropped the subject. What does this sound like? Thanks for your time and Happy Thanksgiving to anyone celebrating.

[Dee-Ari]

Agender is usually seen as one way of being nonbinary. Non-binary is an umbrella term. Anyone who doesn't fit within the binary of male/female might choose to identify as nonbinary. Genderfluid, agender, aporagender... these are all non-binary identities.

 

Agender people are specifically nonbinary in a way where we simply feel that we don't have a gender identity. The concept of having a gender identity may seem foreign to us. For a long time I thought this was the case for all people, until I encountered binary transgender people and was confronted with this not being the case.

 

Saying that I don't have a gender identity doesn't mean that I don't have some emotions about how I want look and to be perceived or talked about. (gender euphoria and dysphoria), I generally fall towards wanting to be more masculine, but that doesn't mean that I am a man, and it definitely doesn't mean that I suceed in being read as male. In fact, I am quite petit, easily giving away the gender I was assigned at birth.

 

It sounds like you're a little unsure of your identity, or perhaps your mother caught you off guard. I do think that that's a somewhat strange subject to suddenly bring up, but ofc I don't know what led into it!

It's totally normal not to be quite sure what to make of your own gender, few people are absolutely sure, once they start questioning. "I wouldn't mind being a boy nor would I mind being a girl" could sound like a thing someone agender would think. But it could also just mean that you're chill about gender. It is not for me to say!

 

I think what finally tipped me over into identifying as agender rather than female was that I feel discomfort at being equated to a woman. Not because I don't like women - I fucking love women! - but because it made me feel like I was being misrepresented and misled. It just felt very wrong. So I think it was this inner rejection of being female that led me to identify as agender.

 

But I often just use non-binary or genderqueer as umbrella terms instead of agender.

 

I don't know if this helped you ^^"

 

[Briars]

I very much agree with LeDeer and Dee-Ari. The short way I would describe being agender is that I am a person just like everyone else and I just want to be treated as such. I don't see myself as being inherently male or female nor do I see how it affects my ability to do anything that matters (such as work or being a friend) and I find it frustrating to be constantly shoved into that box of people's expectations based on gender. 

 

That being said, I'm kinda lucky to have a name that is unisex (before you write it down anyways, though a lot of people don't seem to realize that the difference in spelling usually indicates a difference in genders and this works in my favour as I've actually been to job interviews where they didn't know if I would be a guy or girl before I showed up  that was a great feeling!) so for work I actually get an interesting assortment of pronouns and titles (Mr, Mrs etc.) from people that I have not met in person and most of them make me smile or laugh. I find that for the most part I don't really mind what people call me (though this is true even for my name itself, I'll answer to anything which sounds even somewhat like my name and isn't meant as an insult) because I've gotten used to the one set and the other is just so refreshing that even though it's not right either I enjoy it (there are some exceptions to this though).

 

I've heard the saying "cis by default" before and I feel that it describes me before I knew that there was more than just two options for gender and that your gender doesn't always match that which was assigned at birth (because I was pretty oblivious when I was younger and didn't know there was such a thing as being transgender until I was in university), since I never felt really strongly that I was one way or the other I just assumed that the way I felt was the way everyone else felt too (though in hindsight I realize that most other people don't dream about being mistaken for the opposite gender because it's not the one that you are usually pegged as) and I just kinda went with what everyone else was telling me. One of the realizations that really helped me decide that I was actually agender is that if I woke up one day in a body that was the opposite sex then I really wouldn't care (I imagine my reaction would be something along the lines of "ok that's odd, whatever, time to get ready for work, where's my coffee?"), I genuinely don't think I would have a preference between the two as there are things I would and would not like about either (I think I would actually be more bothered if I woke up in a body which was the same sex as it is now but not my own, then I would be royally pissed because as much as there are things I would be happier if they were different about it I've gotten used to it over the years and it's mine, and if I'm gonna have a different body I would rather have different problems with it).

 

Sometimes it can be a bit strange being neither male nor female especially when you are surrounded by people most of the time who very much do feel strongly one way or the other. I actually find the experience very similar to being asexual in some ways, you see all around you all this media and people telling you about how awesome sex is and how it's just so important and how you should want it and I genuinely just don't get it. I understand it on a intellectual level and that it feels good but I just can't relate on a personal level because I just don't get the attraction and having tried it I don't feel that it was anything that I need (and to be honest I would probably be happier in a relationship without it) but rarely do people see that as an acceptable way to feel. In the same way being agender you are constantly being asked/told male or female and everyone cares so much about your answer and I just don't  find that I care more for one or the other, which is not even an option in most people's minds. 

 

I hope that all makes sense and is helpful, I find it can be a bit hard to explain these things in a way that someone else can understand it. 

[Zacharie]

I guess for me it feels like you don't belong anywhere in the spectrum because for yourself gender is just silly and shouldn't dictate what you like to do or use because things are just things, tools for you to use for the single purpose it was created. Like you want some shoes to just walk so you choose the ones that will make you feel comfortable, without laces because you are lazy to put them, light weighted, big soles so you don't feel the pavement bellow you, with a large end because your feet fingers can rest better and plain color with no jarring patterns, maybe some cool shoe design because is for you. Maybe you use some make up just to hide that glitter face, or maybe newsboy caps or large brimmed hats because sun is a deadly laser and they either cover more or fit in your bag later. You like baggy pants sometimes because pockets and other times slim jeans because it balances out with that oversized sweater, you like certain colors because they remind you things or make you feel different ways. Is a very practical view on things. At least for me.

 

BUT there are so many gendered things and people constantly remind you of it that it makes them instantly unappealing because of what it means to people. Dresses for example, or attitudes like crossing your legs a certain way, expected responses. It's really overwhelming. Even if they don't realize that they are gendering you because it's more surprising to me that those things are normal to so many people, I feel like an outsider for not being in the loop and not getting it. I don't know if I would even consider myself human because gender is everywhere and you start to feel like you are not part of it. Is not an ideal or a philosophy being agender, is just how you feel about gender. You suddenly feel caged into act and do things you don't really understand and it's so weird  because for others is so innate to do gender and not even asking themselves about it while I feel like I'm always missing something. 

 

Like in a play in a theater where no one practiced anything but they all know the lines and you don't. Even if you practiced and remember all what you have to do and say everything is in another language and don't understand it. Or is just incoherent.

[caetxln]

Well agender in the non-binary spectrum.But they are different things it's like difference between saying you are gay or lesbian. "Agender" means you are feeling no sense of gender.Or not understanding the gender,basically feeling as yourself.Seeing no gender.Non-binary means lot of things.It's an umbrella term like "gay".Non-binary includes many genders are not binary like "Intergender","bigender","genderfluid.","pangender","demigender." "androgyne" or "agender".

 

So,how it feels like being agender feels like,well it doesn't feel like anything.For my experience I feel like myself as I always.For some people they also don't feel gender but also having dysphoria.I don't have dysphoria but I am still agender because I still feel like "me" and "genderless."