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Sexual Abuse, am I the only one?


Anny O. Mous

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I have always known on some level that I was asexual.  I've been with women.  I've been with men.  Sex and even to a less degree, romance never meant much to me.  For the most part this wasn't a problem.  I would please my lovers and let them use my body as they saw fit.  It was always consensual until the night that it wasn't.  My ex-fiancee had been a wonderful man...  When I first met him.  He came from an abusive family and had paranoid schizophrenia.  In short, he had no control over his life so he decided to control me.  My personality was too abrasive for his tastes.  I was too loud.  I was too weird.  I wasn't the right kind of nerdy.  I wasn't feminine enough.  I wasn't that into sex...  I would try to change myself to suit his needs.  I lost sight of who I was and became severely depressed.

 

Moving in with him was the biggest mistake of my life.  He said that he was so depressed and so miserable without me that he thought of suicide...  I felt as though I didn't have a choice even though I no longer loved him.  We got engaged when he asked me in his grandmother's hospital room.  It was Christmas Eve and the poor woman just suffered a heart attack.  She had been paralyzed from the chest down for over two years by this point thanks to a irresponsible surgeon as well.  His entire family was there.  More importantly, his grandmother, who I absolutely adored, was there.  (Obviously).  I said yes...

 

Our relationship became more and more strained.  He took out his frustrations on me.  Verbally.  Physically.  He took out his frustrations on his pet cat.  Verbally.  Physically.  He even threatened to crush my hamster to death when I said that things weren't working out...  The problem that caused the big change?  His father decided that he wanted a drinking buddy and conveniently forgot that alcohol has some seriously adverse affects on anti-psychotic medication.

 

Fast-forward to our five-year anniversary...  It was mid-October 2010.  We were just beginning our wedding planning much to my dismay.  We usually consummate our anniversary with sex.  I wasn't feeling it.  I hadn't been for months.  It was getting harder and harder to pretend.  So when I said "No"...  He didn't stop.  He became violent.  He called me all manner of foul names and beat me.  He bit my neck until it bled like a dog marking it's territory.  I still have a scar.  He strangled me until I lost consciousness.  I woke up in our pitch black bedroom.  In the dark.  Alone.  I took a scalding hot shower and scrubbed myself bloody and raw.  I went back to cutting for two years after that.  I attempted suicide by overdose.  I have seen three therapists.  I've been on three medications for depression.  I'm finally on medication for anxiety.  I have PTSD.  I don't let people touch me.  It's been seven years and people still aren't allowed to touch me.  I have to make the first move.  A hug is as intimate as I can get.  I'm afraid of the dark.  I'm afraid of men.  When I'm triggered I'll end up with a nightmare or an anxiety attack.  I have passed out before because a man touched my shoulder.

 

I didn't see a topic like this in the forums and I wanted to reach out to other possible survivors of abuse.  I want to heal and I want to help others heal too.  If anyone is out there, please feel free to share as much or as little as you can.  I'm tired of my abuser winning and my fears holding me back from enjoying life.  I'm tired of low self-esteem and lack of confidence.  I'm tired of second guessing myself.  I want to be free.

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Your story sounds like a lot of other people's stories, unfortunately.  It's a tough world.  A man once tried to force me to marry him.   I'm glad I didn't marry him.  He was very controlling and all he ever did was try to change me to become his idea of what a perfect wife should be...  and just like you, I wasn't feminine enough.  I don't know what else to say.  I'm a paralegal and I've seen some divorce cases that sound like yours.  I hope you finally left this guy.  I wish I could help you heal.  That I don't know how to help you with, really...  sorry.

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I accidentally hit enter before I finished. Talking about it helped me a lot, even though most of the talking I do is online.

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1 hour ago, thylacine said:

Your story sounds like a lot of other people's stories, unfortunately.  It's a tough world.  A man once tried to force me to marry him.   I'm glad I didn't marry him.  He was very controlling and all he ever did was try to change me to become his idea of what a perfect wife should be...  and just like you, I wasn't feminine enough.  I don't know what else to say.  I'm a paralegal and I've seen some divorce cases that sound like yours.  I hope you finally left this guy.  I wish I could help you heal.  That I don't know how to help you with, really...  sorry.

I DID eventually leave him...  I needed a little help from a friend.  I have a friend who's a Navy SEAL.  He came to help me instead of doing something fun while on leave.  My Ex's sister took in his cat and my hamster.  She has little to no contact with him and a husband who's a State Trooper so I think she and the cat (hamster died a long time ago of old age) are pretty safe.  Sadly, I never reported him even with her and her husband's adamant request that I do so.  I was too scared of facing him in court.  It's my word against his and when you hear so many stories of the woman being blamed for dressing too provocatively or misreading the situation or whatever their BS reasoning may be to throw her under the bus...  It just really didn't appeal to me.  It sounds so selfish but I just wanted to leave and never see him again.  It took so much effort just to leave too.  Our wedding was half planned and there was so much pressure from his family.  I kept my parents in the dark because they never really liked him and my stupid pride wouldn't let me go to them for help.  I also didn't want to risk them getting hurt...  I left with a black eye and three broken ribs because he came home early.  My Ex wound up with a broken jaw amongst other injuries courtesy of my friend.

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Hello. Perhaps these two threads in the Intersectionality forum were what you were looking for.

 

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/151267-asexuality-and-sexual-assault/?_fromLogin=1

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163356-aces-who-grew-up-abused/

 

But, you're probably right, of course, that it's not a topic that's talked about a lot; it might be sort of uncomfortable or painful for others to reveal to others, even on an anonymous forum, or, perhaps, they'd rather focus on other topics, instead, to try to put all of that in the past, behind them. What has helped me is focusing on having new goals or hobbies and helping or interacting with others.

 

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Hey, you left with a black eye & broken ribs... But YOU LEFT.  I'm proud of yah, okay?  Because you left.  You didn't want to face him in court, but I understand.  Sometime you just need to get away, right?  So...  now you can hit the big "Re-set" button in your life and figure out what to do now that you can be safe and free.

 

Good luck, take care of yourself...  let us know how things turn out.  And remember, a lot of women don't leave, they stay, even with the black eyes and broken ribs...  they stay.  I don't know  why, but they do.

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I just posted something similar to this. I too have an intense fear of men. What they have done. What they can do. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with us.

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