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Reyna

Do you want to have children?

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Reyna

I'm 26 and have never been in a relationship and have absolutely no desire to ever be in one, but I have always known that I wanted to have children. I have seriously looked in IVF and other treatments and have even started to save up money.  I'm worried about telling my family and friends because society looks down on single parents. I think most of them are going to think that I'm crazy for wanting to raise a family on my own, but I also don't think it is right to start a relationship  just to have children either. I own my house and have a pretty stable job, so I feel I could financial support a family on my own, but my mother sometimes makes me feel guilty by saying things like children with single parents don't have the same advantages as children with two parents. There is also the aspect that I feel that something is wrong with me because I don't want to raise a child with another person. I'm not trying to be the next virgin Mary or anything, I just have a lot of experience working with children of divorce parents and I know how hard it is for them. I was just wondering if there were anyone else out there that have the same feelings as me.  

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Zenzencat104

I agree with your way of thinking, but personally don’t want children.

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Laplace

One of my relative’s sons is 5 and he’s gotten kinda attached to me cause I indulge his interest in play swordfighting and ninja stuff 😄. So, I think kids are fun sometimes and people think I’d be a great parent cause I’m calm and I have a solid moral compass; but, I don’t think I’ll ever quite get used to the emotional Sword of Damocles that was and is my parent’s divorce. I don’t think I can provide the care and overt affection necessary to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child. And, I’d never forgive myself if I had a spouse and ended up divorcing them while I had a child. I can be that mentor uncle, but I think I have to grow a lot more before I could even consider becoming a parent. Heck, watching pets is a challenging already 😅.

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Camicon

It takes a village. Doesn't mean you need to be married to anyone, just be sure that you have good men and women who are willing and able to help you raise a child.

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Lichley
42 minutes ago, Camicon said:

It takes a village. Doesn't mean you need to be married to anyone, just be sure that you have good men and women who are willing and able to help you raise a child.

Very true, the community you raise your child in is important as well. You can be the most loving and supportive parent in the world, but if there's a large amount of crime, or your child gets bullied a lot then it will still be a bad childhood for them.

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Law of Circles

I don't plan on having children myself, but I don't think there's anything wrong with your plan. If you know you can financially support a child and provide them a stable home, that's a lot more than many couples can say (and some of them still choose to have kids anyway).

 

Also, some people have a "platonic co-parenting" arrangement where they raise a child together with a nonromantic "parenting partner" who also wants kids. This potentially avoids some problems associated with romantic entanglements and divorce. That could be another option for you to look into. Here's an article about it.

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Nafanua

Like you, I have always wanted children and went through the whole 'should I or shouldn't I?' debate at about your age. I too considered IVF but then, deciding (erroneously) that a child needed two parents, I married. Yes, I wanted children so much that I was willing to marry an allosexual in order to have them. Why marry? Well, in my society, illegitimacy is still frowned upon and a couple of my  friends who were 'born out of wed-lock' faced some difficulties growing up. That isn't something I wanted my children to go through, so, in order to have children and give them what I thought would be the best life I could offer, I married. I had my babies six and a half years ago and I have never regretted it! The marriage did not work out (surprise, surprise!) and now I've been a single mum for five years, which is ironic, I suppose. Their father and I are on good terms and he is still a part of their lives but he has shrugged off all parenting responsibilities, which suits me well. They are happy, well adjusted little people and the greatest gift the Universe has ever given me. Motherhood is definitely the best choice I've ever made. Marriage to an allosexual was probably the worst! In retrospect, IVF would have been the wiser choice. Go for it!

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Baggage_warrior

I would one day like children... I would also like a relationship... but it's tough for me since they really have to be something special for me to want to be with them :/

 

That being said, I'd be more than happy to give up the time and effort to uhhh... make the babies... XD but that's just the way I am XD

 

Also, I'd HAVE to live with the mother and all that stuff to give the children an upbringing that I had (or close enough to).

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arekathevampyre

nah . 

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Philip027

I can barely take care of myself let alone a kid, but one of these days when I am mature enough to handle it and my life is stable enough to handle it, my partner and I would potentially like to try.

 

It's not a huge deal to me, though.  Generally speaking, I don't particularly like children.  Yet, somehow with my partner, the potential idea of us being parents isn't offputting.  Just... not right now.

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[noize:injekktion]

not my biological ones, that's for sure. I have awful genes.

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Baggage_warrior
1 minute ago, [noize:injekktion] said:

not my biological ones, that's for sure. I have awful genes.

Can I make some for you then? On your behalf? Made naturally because uhhhh... they say natural is best ;) XD

 

I'm joking :P my genes aren't that great either :(

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andreas1033

No, the world has enough babies being born. The world should not care about the little percentage of people not interested in sex, or others, and not breeding.

The world has 4 times too many people, so being asexual and never going to breed, should not matter to anyone.

Asexuals only account for a small fraction, the world will always have enough people having babies.

They are welcome to that worldview, i am glad, i never came close once to considering it.

I must of knew at 12 or so, i never wanted to bring anyone into this rotten world.

I am 42 now, and like i said before, i do not think people should breed after 30 or so. I never wanted to breed, and always will be glad about that.

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[noize:injekktion]
6 minutes ago, Baggage_warrior said:

Can I make some for you then? On your behalf? Made naturally because uhhhh... they say natural is best ;) XD

 

I'm joking :P my genes aren't that great either :(

awe xD but they say it needs two people to work out :P

 

but seriously.  isn't it cruel to pass the bad genes and make an innocent child suffer?

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Santa's Little Elf

I'd rather adopt them if i'd ever want any kids or maybe support them from a distance...if i look at the average screaming two year olds i see in the supermarket on my day off i have to say no thank you or maybe pray that i'll get enough patience to deal with two year olds XD

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Baggage_warrior
11 minutes ago, [noize:injekktion] said:

awe xD but they say it needs two people to work out :P

 

but seriously.  isn't it cruel to pass the bad genes and make an innocent child suffer?

That's an interesting point you raise, personally I think it depends on the condition that you pass onto your child.

 

For example, I have an increased risk of bowel cancer because of my mum's condition. But I'm also prone to a lot of Gastrointestinal problems as a result.

 

I'm not really bothered by these problems as if cancer gets me, it gets me. My mum wanted children, and I'm happy to grant her that gift ^_^

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The Unknown Warrior

Growing up I probably assumed I'd marry a woman and have children because that's the natural assumption, right?!

 

I'm not fussed about having children anymore really. I sometimes think it would be nice if I found a partner and the situation was right but that may never happen and I accept that. I wouldn't want to pass Ehlers-Danlos syndrome onto my children though so would have to find out the likelihood of that happening and consider whether adoption is better.

 

Right now I'm wondering if I'll even have a partner because I just don't feel anything for either gender. I couldn't be less interested currently. :mellow:

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Grinchmer

Yuck. No way. There are already way too many people.

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StolenCookie
1 minute ago, Homer said:

Yuck. No way. There are already way too many people.

I agree with you plus I am not open for business. 

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RiseOfCourage
1 hour ago, [noize:injekktion] said:

not my biological ones, that's for sure. I have awful genes.

Can robots have kids? (Lol) Seriously though, I can't see where those so-called "awful" genes are. You're aesthetically excellent, have killer style tastes, & a smart thoughtful personality based on your posts.

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Lotta_Biscotti

Overall I really admire single parents as a group. I feel bad for them from a financial and support perspective, because things -are- so much more difficult for them. But one could argue that if we had three parents, we'd feel worse for people who only had two. The single parents I know are all hard-working and doing the best they can for their kids, with one exception I can think of. I know some adults raised by single parents, and overall the consensus in my small sample seems to be that they admire their own parents more, though it's not universal.

 

For me personally, there are a lot of reasons I don't want, and perhaps shouldn't have, kids, I don't have any what I'd consider ethically good reason for me to have kids of my own. I'm not really into kid culture, and I disagree with having kids so someone can take care of you in old age, or because you 'should'. I can't come up with a good, non-selfish reason to bring new life into the world when there are plenty of young lives that are lacking resources and care. I'm also totally creeped out by the idea of growing a tiny person inside me, not really into that whole thing. So, why not adopt? I can't afford it and am not willing to change enough to muster the dedication required to be a good parent. I'm still trying to take care of myself, and given everything that's happened in my life, I want time to myself, for myself.

 

I like my independence and I feel it's something that I've both won in time and want to savor. I work a lot, and don't even get to see my friends as often as I'd like; I'd have to give up a lot of that time. It's much easier and less draining on my resources to be an honorary aunt, which I think is the only good ethical choice for me. I'm not imposing on anyone later in life to take care of me or 'pay back', and I can help contribute in smaller amounts to something that I'll know where it's going. I like charities, but it can be hard to tie your monetary or time donation to specific results of those things sometimes. On the other hand, it's easy to set aside a little money for someone's education, to purchase a specific gift, or send child and parent out on some kind of outing. It's definitely not a parenting experience, but I'm not seeking that, either.

 

If you have the money, time, and dedication, I wouldn't let single parenting hold you back. When you throw someone else in the mix, that's a permanent thing that will leave a mark even if you were to cut off all other ties to the person. You could find out after the fact that you're really unhappy with some of their decisions, habits, or beliefs about parenting. I do, however, second the thought of 'community' here. You'd have to find a compatible job so you could spend all the time with your kid when they're that young, unless you have parents/family/very close friends that you trust to hand your kid over to so you can choose from a wider variety of work. You at least retain legal control over your kid in most cases, provided your family can be trusted. There is some variety in daycare as they get older, but it is expensive, and the younger they are, the more I know I'd want to know exactly who is hanging around my kid and what they're being exposed to, idea-wise and socially.

 

I would suggest the possibility of adoption, but it's incredibly tough and expensive, and the people reviewing your request will give you a much harder time as a potential single parent. So IVF is probably the option you have easiest access to. I wonder if you'd have any interest an the guardian ad litem program or anything similar in the meantime, while you mull your thoughts and options over. Just a thought! Good luck to you.

 

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Gloomy

Nope. I can relate to wanting to stay single if I did have kids though. If I ever change my mind about having kids I’ll probably adopt as a single parent.

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Shadowstepper

I think my opinions may be different if I had known asexuality was a thing all those years ago before I got married.

 

Yeah I was different from other people, but having kids is what married people do, right? I had no reason to think otherwise.

 

But even with my discovery of asexuality and that I classify myself as such, I wouldn't trade those kids for the world.

 

My daughter strives every single day to outwit me. By the time she was 6, I would actively tell people when meeting her "don't try to outsmart her, she will just make you feel bad about yourself". And she lives for puns.

 

And my son is the # 1 most positive and supportive person on the planet just for the simple fact that he is happy every single day that he is alive and so are you. I swear he's a goddamn cartoon character.

 

Kids aren't for everyone, that is readily apparent in any Walmart you wander into, but they can also be a glorious gift, regardless of your personal lifestyle or orientation.

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artzcat

At first I was thinking it's gonna be really rough for you. Parenting is already hard but doing it alone is much harder. But then I realized you are already prepared to be a single parent and that makes a huge difference. Most people do not plan to be single parents and probably wouldn't have had kids if they knew they would be a single parent later. That said, a good community, genuine friends, and helpful family members will help a lot. Plus if you have the time, dedication, and money then I say go for it!

 

Personally I don't want kids. Many reasons why but I would say the main deterrent was growing up with much younger siblings and my parents venting to me about raising them.

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Antihero.

giphy.gif

 

I absolutely can’t stand brats! I always strongly disliked them. No brats are allowed in my apartment!

notice-no-children-allowed-sign-s2-2288.

 

 

If you want one though and you have people who can support you with raising it (parents, grandparents  or other relatives) or are able to afford a full time nanny you sure can manage to raise it on your own along with your career somehow.
It will be even more stressful, restricting, boring and annoying than raising one of those things with a partner where you get at least a little more free time from it though I suppose. Single parents often have a hard time and most people who end up like that haven’t planned to be alone with their brats for a reason.  

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Grinchmer
1 hour ago, Lotta_Biscotti said:

I can't come up with a good, non-selfish reason to bring new life into the world

There is none, I suppose.

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Lotta_Biscotti
1 minute ago, Homer said:

There is none, I suppose.

I can't really be sure of that for other people, or perhaps I don't feel it's for me to say for certain, but I know it's true in my own case. The main thing that bothers me when other people have kids is because they want someone to love them, support them (in old age, or even just as soon as they're teens; emotionally and financially), or want someone to fulfill their dreams for them, or save their relationship. I find it very upsetting when kids are pressured or indoctrinated into beliefs and ideas they lack the experience and perspective necessary to actually give consent to, whether it's religion or 'things I owe my parents in exchange for my existence'. They just can't understand what might be fed to them, or what might be wrong with what's expected to them. It's just so unfair and people do it all the time without thinking about it, or without necessarily meaning to. It's a lot to put on a kid though.

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StormySky

Kids are great and imaginative and cute, but having them is a big NOPE of parental responsibility.

I'm probably going to end up being the babysitter for my siblings' kids, if they have them. I'm always the "expendable favor-doer" of the family and I like contributing even though I'm the "wild spirited" ace who will never settle down.

 

As for four-legged kids? That's another story. :3

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Grinchmer
6 minutes ago, Lotta_Biscotti said:

I can't really be sure of that for other people, or perhaps I don't feel it's for me to say for certain, but I know it's true in my own case.

I asked a lot of parents with a lot of children and not one of them managed to come up with even one reasonable reason. To me it's fair to assume that there is none.

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Shadowstepper

I've met plenty of people that just flat out wanted to have kids, but didn't have specific reasons.

 

I think for them it is similar to me being an asexual. I can't tell you the "why" behind the way I feel, just that I feel that way. I don't know why I don't find people sexually attractive, I just don't. They can't tell you why they have such a need for kids, they just do.

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