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Trying to subtly tell my friend I'm ace


cotangent

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Some backstory:

I have a friend about my age (helpfully, not, the opposite gender). We don't see each other very often, but when we do it is awkward for me. I have a strong feeling that he has a crush on me, and I wholeheartedly do not have a crush on him. I don't want to break his heart or anything, but it freaks me out to think about him confessing his attraction to me. I mean, he might not have a crush on me, but it really feels like it. I feel how I feel around people talking about anything sexual when I'm around him, which is to say I don't feel good at all.

 

I'm hoping more than anything that my general demeanor will tip him off sooner or later, but that doesn't seem to be working. (JUST REALIZE I AM ACE ALREADY *shoves cake into mouth*) I also hoped for a while he was ace/aro, but I'm finding that's not happening (I seem to attract ace/aro friends).

 

I don't want to just out-and-tell him that I'm asexual, because 1. my mother doesn't quite get it yet so that might pose some issues and 2. I don't want the whole world knowing just yet. Any ideas on how to subtly drop hints? I'm considering slipping something like "I don't think dating's for me" into conversation, but I don't know when that would work. Kind of a niche thing.

 

We're seeing his family in a month, so I've got some time to consider. Any thoughts would be quite helpful!

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Sounds like a difficult situation. You could just tell him you are not interested in a relationship of that kind. He might back off if he understands you are not interested, maybe. 

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EggplantWitch

I think you're right about not outright coming out. Vocabulary lessons and the potential of being invalidated are not fun. It would probably be best to say stuff like 'I'm just not interested in dating, it seems boring/pointless/unenjoyable/[insert negative adjective of your choice]' and hope that he gets the message without being feeling personally targeted. Bringing it up in a non-awkward way is the harder part, as you acknowledge. Perhaps make a complaint about a romance plot in a show or movie you've both seen and drop it in then? Or if there's anyone annoyingly lovey-dovey you know you could complain about and then drop it in? It's a toughie to be sure, so best of luck.

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Subtlety is more likely to have him thinking you're gay than anything else, tbh (which might still achieve the desired result I guess, but it's also a really strange way to lead a friend if it's not actually true).  That's usually been my experience before I had a name for asexuality, anyway.

 

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I have a strong feeling that he has a crush on me, and I wholeheartedly do not have a crush on him. I don't want to break his heart or anything,

This kind of thing is (mostly) inevitable when one person has unreciprocated feelings on another.  He's going to have to learn to deal with it sooner or later, because it's almost surely not going to be the last time it happens.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

You could broach the subject gently, test the water then dive straight in so that they're left in no doubt that you're Ace. Meeting parents seems to be swerving in the direction of a relationship, so don't leave it too long before giving 'the talk' ..see what you can find on here , or if in doubt , refer your friend to this site !:D

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