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WhyCantIBeACat

Hello & thanks

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WhyCantIBeACat

Hello all.

 

I'm a sexual man who has been in a monogamous relationship for around 30 years (the last 21 married) with a wonderful woman who I have recently come to realise is now a (probably sex-neutral) asexual, even if she hasn't really accepted/internalised it  yet. I discovered the concept of asexuality through the recent articles on the BBC in the UK, and this has led me to AVEN.

 

I've been lurking for the last month or so, reading many of the threads in the FSPA sub-forum (and some elsewhere) and learning a lot about what it means to be an Ace, how they see the world and in particular how this differs to my perspective of our relationship. I think this has really helped me in understanding my wife's behaviour, that she really does love me (even if I often don't feel loved) and to realise that we can't keep burying our heads in the sand pretending everything is shiny.

 

As ever with mixed relationships most (although not quite everything) is pretty good between us apart from the lack of intimate/sexual contact. However, as our relationship has matured, our careers have grown (we are both relatively high-level professionals in our domains), our interests have diverged and especially as ferrying our two fantastic children around to various activities and supporting them has reduced our "us-time" more and more, I feel we are drifting apart, even if we still love each other.

 

Communication (on anything) has never been one of our strong points and I have been trying to get a channel open to discuss how we each feel and try to work out how we recover our relationship and continue loving each other. I've shared some of my feelings but getting any return channel is proving challenging because my wife seems to prefer to spend her time doing anything but contemplating her own sexuality or being prepared to enter into a discussion around our relationship. I guess she either doesn't find it interesting/important enough or (most likely) she is trying to avoid accepting her own sexuality and feelings. For now I am trying to give her the time and space to come to terms with her feelings, but it feels painfully slow.

 

I've tried to get her to come to AVEN to help her understand both herself as well as my feelings, but I don't believe she has followed the links I have sent - if she has then there has not been any sign of it. (Remember what I said about communication above?)

 

My username is borne out of jealousy. We have two cats, and old grey male who has had a hard life and is just starting to really trust us and show his inner self after being with us for 2 1/2 years, and a youngster who is just calming down into a softie. While neither have a sex-life, both have it easy, with a warm house, comfy beds, fuss and attention (when they want it), no stress or pressure and plenty of food. I'd happily swap with either of them.

 

Anyway, I'll probably lurk some more, contribute to some threads in FSPA and hope that we can find a way forward that keeps us together.

 

Thanks for building such a great community full of extremely useful perspectives and insight.

 

WhyCantIBeACat

 

 

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Big J

Welcome! 

Lots of info on here and good people, so ask questions, don't be shy.

I would love to be a cat (with good owners). What a life!^_^

Hope you find what you need and good luck!

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TheAngel(of)Peace

Welcome! :) Glad you've found this community helpful.

 

Image result for cat cake

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.Lia

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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Lichley

Welcome! It's great to hear that you're starting to work things out with her, and I hope you manage to find a compromise that works for you. It's wonderful that you've looked into these sorts of things, but the only person that can truely determine whether or not your wife is asexual is herself, and if she doesn't want to come to terms with it, or isn't actually asexual, then we can't force that label onto her. Bring in the discussion gently and don't force her into it, but do try to make her give you a proper answer if she can. She may be dealing with feelings of her own that she hasnt quite come to terms with yet. She is very lucky to have an amazing and caring husband such as yourself :P 

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WhyCantIBeACat

Thanks Lichley. 

 

I'm fully aware that I can't define her sexuality for her, even if 30 years of experience give me a pretty strong idea. She has to decide how she feels herself, and which label (if any) applies. 

 

All I'm trying to force is that she actually spends some time thinking it through so that she understands how she feels and what she wants. Then that she shares that understanding with me so we can work out our next steps - whether that includes sex or not. 

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Space-Ace-Android

Welcome! I hope you find this forum useful in understanding your wife and other aces in general. I think sparing some time to chat (in a fun, not serious, way)would be helpful to restoring your relationship. Watching some funny movies could help with bonding.  Or do an experience together (like a theme park or indoor skydiving) This could be a step forward to show that you both love each-other very much, and that you want to continue being close.

 

Sorry if I couldn't give better advice, as of yet I am merely 13 and have not been in an romantic or deeply platonic relationship with anyone. I hope this helped!

 

CAT CAKEImage result for CAt cake

 

 

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WhyCantIBeACat

Thanks Space-Ace.

 

There are lots of things we have done and do together that show our love. It helps that I now better understand her ways of showing her love and that she really does love me but we are still different. We can no longer hide from those differences as we have done up until now - it's time to talk about the serious stuff.

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