very confused about myself and if I really am asexual

[agarwaeneth]

I know there must be many topics like this in this forum but I needed to talk to someone about this since I really don't know what to do. I'm really confused about myself and if I really am asexual since it's a term that it's not really talked about where I'm from and I found it very recently. As I read stuff about it, I keep having that feeling that I finally know where I belong and that maybe I'm not alone but it's not that easy.

I never saw myself as heterosexual but I never knew what I really was. I've been in a relationship for six years and we only tried having sex twice and it wasn't a great experience for me since I felt uncomfortable the entire time. This happened when I was 18/19 I think and I'm almost 22 now. I convinced myself that it was because I wasn't ready or the first time always hurts and that kind of stuff but I wasn't really excited to try it again. I keep thinking that I would be happier if that didn't happen again ever. I love my boyfriend, we're best friends and he's a huge part of my life but I can't offer him what he wants. I regard sex as something that I really don't want to do and it's not because I'm afraid or I want to wait. No, I simply can't understand all the fuss about it. I don't want to have kids, I keep saying this and everyone (including my boyfriend) tells me that I'm too young to know that for sure and that I'll change my mind eventually and I won't. I don't want to feel pressured to do that and I feel like I'm trapped. 

I found out about asexuality and I'm researching about it on posts and forums about this topic and my heart tells me that this is who I am. I've really bad social anxiety and it's really hard for me to talk to people, even on the internet because I'm always scared. But I can't keep going like this and I don't want to hurt him anymore when he could be in a relationship that will offer everything he needs. 

I'm sorry if this sounds really confusing, I really just needed to talk about it and see if anyone will listen and help me a bit. 

[Pamalla-Shay]

only you can know for sure if you are ace.. and it is not supposed to hurt the first time he just wasn't being careful... but take time and think about it, you wouldn't be here asking this if you didn't think that you are ace, but i can't tell you if you are.. you might be but i am not you so idk for sure.. i wish you luck, and i am always here to talk you can pm me if you want to talk privetly i will answer.  

[biblios]

Agree with Pamalla-Shay, it ultimately has to be your call, but it sounds likely that you could be ace, yeah.

 

One thing you might consider is whether you're sexually attracted to your boyfriend, and do you ever fantasize about him, even if you wouldn't want to actually go through with any of the fantasies? Like--even if you don't like the act of sex, what's going on mentally? When I was in high school, part of what helped me was realizing that while I liked my boyfriend a lot, I never wanted to imagine him naked or in a sexual situation, I didn't really have any urge to touch him beyond holding hands or hugging, and it made me uncomfortable to entertain the thought that he might have sexual thoughts about me.

 

Good luck

[Eisu]

1. Not confusing at all, you wrote it well

2. I don't like your boyfriend or family

 

In the end, it is you and your body and however old you are, what you think and feel at the time is exactly what you feel. "Too young to know" is bullshit. Even a child can say no, and that will likely be what they know they don't want. Age does not invalidate you. If you honestly don't want it, it shouldn't have any relation to what you might want or not in another 15 years. No one should guilt you into such a huge responsibility, no one should make you do something with your body that you don't want. There are always exceptions in life but screw the exceptions, I'm talking about this right here and now. 

To answer your original question, I think that there's a possibility of the pressure of having a child discouraging you from sex. There's also the likely chance of sex itself being unappealing. I think if you were not pressured into anything, the answer would be more clear, but there are some good quizzes to take online, and self reflection and knowledge is always the most important. Remember, whatever you feel that you are, either option does not change who you are. You will still be the same person.