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Jarl Surf

I Do Believe I Know Who I am Now

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Jarl Surf

Well, I kind of have always known myself I guess. I didn't always know there were words for it.

 

It started when I was way young. Like...9 years old. I didn't think I'd want to have anything to do with other people like my parents. Of course, I was 9, and I don't blame them or anyone else in the world saying something like, "You don't know what you're talking about. You're too young. You'll grow up and it'll all be different." I'm not sure if I knew it back then, deep down, just didn't bother with it cause I was 9. Come on now.

 

Then, I knew. I was so certain exactly who I was when I was 12 years old. I knew! When asked only would I be open about it. Still shot down. "You're too young to know that sort of thing. You'll change your mind when you're older, trust me." I didn't believe them. I fought them over it, not like...aggressively, but I knew this about myself. Nothing could change my mind.

 

I was 14 when I first heard the word "asexual". It was in a science class in school. However, it got me thinking. Plants are asexual because they don't need to have sex to reproduce. Being an asexual organism means that you are (a-) non, and sexual. Together, that means non-sexual. Easy, that was me. I am asexual. That's what I told people then. I was so happy to have found out. But no. Peers told me, "You're dumb. That's for plants." Friends told me, "That isn't real." Adults told me, "Haha...you'll change your mind one day." It always comes back to "You'll change your mind one day." I got fed up one day, hearing it over and over. I said, "Trust me...I won't." I was so sure.

 

I was 15 when I decided I just wasn't going to try anymore. Even when others brought it up, I either didn't say anything, or I'd tell them I'm straight just to get them out of my face. I lied about who I was, knowing all along who I really was because of other people. Not a big deal, honestly, that's just what it was. It didn't bother me. If anything, hilariously, it made me way more asexual. I wanted to prove to them all that I was right and they do not know me like I do. Not like I know me, not like God knows me.

 

I stopped using the word asexual for a long time. I still knew it, and I would pretend to be attracted to men, go out on dates, almost puke when they put their hands on my shoulders, kissed me, whatever. I couldn't stand it, for real. There's one person that I've always loved more than anyone. She's my best friend. But I would never do anything sexual with her. I kissed her on a dare once. We might do it on a dare again, just like hey, whatever. It doesn't mean anything, cool. That was the first and only time. Both she and I are asexual people that are closer to no one else in the world than each other. Many people call us lesbians or gay or whatever. We just laugh at them together. They don't know, they never can. It didn't bother me. We are who we are, and I don't care about the rest.

 

I started using the word asexual again a couple years after I started college. I went to art school, therefore so many people were identifying as all sorts of things I've never heard before. They made me more curious about my own label. I looked up asexual and asexuality for the first time, found this site and read through the forums. I was content knowing that I wasn't the only one. I didn't say anything, but I feel like it might be important now to get this off my chest. Writing helps with that...;)

 

So today, I looked through the forums again because on a different forum with a bunch of my friends they were talking about the LGBTQ community. I learned new words like TERF (I think...?) and aphobe. I looked them both up, and I started to question if aces actually were LGBTQ. I know for a fact that both groups would shun me and I wouldn't technically be a part of either of them. Jeez...If I tried to claim to be LGBTQ, I can't even imagine what that would do. I wanted to know the truth. That part is still really fuzzy. I wondered why both those labeled hetero and those labeled queer wouldn't want me to claim to be part of them. 

 

I realized real quick that it doesn't matter. And for everyone else, man, it doesn't matter. If we had to belong to a group, why would I want to be one or the other? Why would I or anyone want to belong or even care? I was curious, yeah, but the answer isn't clear, so here's my answer:

 

Aces aren't LGBTQ or the other one. We're just who we are. Aces, or not....we kind of all belong to the same world. I've known and accepted myself forever, even if others never do\ will, and don't understand it. 

 

I didn't know how freakin' specific we could be about who we are in terms of sexual identity, and I may not be as specific as I could be when I conclude this. For definitely, I know the relationship I have with my bestie. I don't want anything more than that with anyone. In fact, I guarantee I will never be closer to anyone than with her. I suppose to some, that would make her the closest thing to me however they want to label that. We're best friends, but we aren't like the best friends that others compare us to. "Yeah, I had a best friend...once." "My best friend and I aren't in contact as much anymore." "My best friend moved away." "I was never close with anyone like with my best friend, but we drifted apart a little." "My bestie moved away, so we aren't as close." None of that BS is true for us. We've moved away states and states away from each other, but we never lost each other. We can spend 6 months apart, barely talking to each other, see each other, and it is like we've never left one another. Probably because we didn't in some respects...A lot of people have the audacity to compare what I have with her what they have with their "best friends". It isn't the same. It is much deeper. It is more than friendship. It isn't romantic, but yes. It is more than friendship. 

 

I could never explain until now. It has to be platonic. Since she isn't male, though, I guess that makes me bi-platonic asexual. Even when I found a guy that I really liked, which I have, I never wanted anything more than to just be close with them, knowing them, playing video games with them, just being near them, a friendship that is just so much more for whatever reason. 

 

Now, I say that I may not be as specific about what I am (because I'm still unsure about it all right now) I have a very difficult time connecting with people like I do my bestie. I was very close with someone else, another girl, but she causes me too much pain for me to continue feeling so strongly for her. We are just friends now. I don't have remotely a similar feeling for her, but I used to. And that is as far as I can go...I either fall in hard, deep, weird friendship with someone, or we are just kinda acquainted...I call them "friends", but I feel like I've never had a friend besides my one bestie and that other girl that I can't be close with anymore because of how she treated me. 

 

Both of them being women make me sound more one-sided, I totes agree, but there were three boys/men in my life that I wanted that closeness with and never got. I didn't mean to fall so hard for the other girl, that was completely unintentional. Lol...

 

So that's me and my story about identity I suppose. If I remember anything I forgot....shrug.  

 

Jarl Surf, Sara, Nelida 'Surf' Utuwatu are my names (that I usually go by anyway), and...I am a bi-platoniromantic asexual. And possibly more...:)

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Lichley

Welcome! It's amazing to hear how you managed to figure everything out on your own. You're best friend sounds really reliable and dependable, and just overall a great best friend. :) 

mouth_watering_cake-other.jpg

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bonny

It was interesting to read your story, thank you for sharing it. And welcome to AVEN.  :cake: 

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.Lia

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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Robin Mok

Thanks for sharing your story. You have an amazing friend. 

 

23 hours ago, Jarl Surf said:

but there were three boys/men in my life that I wanted that closeness with and never got.

Thanks for sharing this too..... I feel the same... 

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Jarl Surf
1 hour ago, Robin Mok said:

Thanks for sharing your story. You have an amazing friend. 

 

Thanks for sharing this too..... I feel the same... 

Of course, it is just the truth. <3

 

You can go more into detail if you want.

Edited by Jarl Surf

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Jarl Surf

Just for anyone who wants to know for whatever reason, I do believe my bestie, the one I'm closest to, is a straight aesthetiromantic ace.

 

She talks about how she really likes looking at men, but doesn't want to do much. She doesn't like to be touched, so she is not sensual...and she has had many boyfriends in the past. She's pretty good at getting them, and I will admit that I've been a little jealous often times when she has one and spends time with him instead of me. It didn't bother me spending time with him at all if I wasn't around, but if I was around, I didn't like it when she would be with him. Not even like all three of us. Lol...we also have quite different taste is males, so I often don't like her boyfriends to begin with, aesthetically or personally. And then if they take her attention from me, I'm just like. Meh...>.> XD

 

It is never that big a deal, and so I never have to even show my feelings through body language/facial expression...she always comes back to me ^^

 

It also doesn't bother me that she wouldn't ever identify as the same as me, not bi, and not platonic or platoniromantic or whatever I am. XDXD --she would never ever even fathom being called "bi" or thinking herself that she might be. She's very, very straight, and has admitted to me that she likes dating because it makes her feel beautiful. It is enough for me that we are as close as we are, and I can't explain it, but I don't doubt that she feels the same deep "more than friendship" feeling that I have for her.

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Space-Ace-Android

I am glad you've had a good friend to help you get through hard times, she sounds amazing!  Welcome to Aven, and here is some :cake:cake:cake:

 

Here is a cake of two people hugging

Image result for Cake  hug

Ace out!

Have an ace day

:)

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