My Friend is in Love with Me

[cinnamonsnake]

I don't usually ask questions online like this but I really could use some advice. I should mention that I am asexual and aromantic with (obviously) no interest whatsoever in romance of any sort. So, my best friend since third grade has had a crush on me for a while. He first told me several years ago but nothing happened between us and I figured it wore off or something. Then recently we were hanging out like we normally do but he began acting kinda weird, giving me looks and behaving strangely. I wrote it off as me imagining things until later that night when he broke down crying and said he still liked me 'that way'. I am horrible at dealing with emotional people so I kinda just hugged him while he cried and patted his back. I told him that it was okay and that I would always be his friend. That was a couple months ago, and his behaviour towards me has started to make me uncomfortable. He says things that imply we're romantically involved on his tumblr (tagging a song about lovers with "this is our song!"), has apparently told people we are a couple, and is very physical in ways I, as a person with a strong aversion to touch, do not like (we often hang out and spend the night at each other's houses and he has tried to spoon me, always moving closer even after I ask him to please give me some space). I don't want to hurt him because he is my best friend, so I usually either laugh it off or deliberately avoid mentioning his behaviour/crush on me, but it's become more than I can handle and is starting to make me extremely on edge. What do I do?

 

 

(Edit:) I really appreciate the advice, thank you all for taking this seriously. Though I have a therapist she does not quite understand how I feel since she's skeptical of asexuality. At this point I will have to confront my friend about his behaviour if it persists. Once again, thank you guys. -cinnamonsnake

[Guest]

This is kind of a complicated situation and I'm not completely certain that the advice I would give you would have the best results. You need to go to someone. A therapist, ideally, or an adult that you can trust. You have to tell them what is happening and let them help you sort it out. You really need to set some boundaries with this friend because he is crossing a lot of lines and telling him to stop isn't working. I would stop going over to his house or letting him over yours, especially now that he tries to do things with you physically. I honestly think that with what is happening that it isn't possible for you two to remain friends, but I would be very careful about how you approach this since he is highly emotional and could act out impulsively.

[Demiheart]

Sorry to hear that you're having this experience cinnamonsnake. What your friend is doing really isn't okay, he's not behaving as a friend should. It sounds like you need to talk to him, hard as it might be. You have the right be to comfortable, and he needs to respect your boundaries. That said, you need to make your boundaries clear to him and demand that he respects them. The tougher you are with making him respect them the more he will respect you and the better the chances are of moving forward and hopefully remaining friends (if that's what you still want!) Best of luck. 

 

-Demi.

[Guest]

I agree with Demi and the sooner you set boundaries the better for your own safety. I have to be honest and say it worries me how his actions might progress.

[Amathy]

1 hour ago, cinnamonsnake said:

so I usually either laugh it off or deliberately avoid mentioning his behaviour/crush on me

This is the problem.  Have you every contradicted the notion that you are in a relationship?  By not contradicting you, you are helping to enforce his fantasy that you are in a relationship.  Now, I'm not saying that its okay for the other person to assume a relationship, but I'm saying that that person may take the lack of contradiction as encouragement.  As @Demiheart suggested, you need to set clear boundaries and make it clear that you do not want to be in a relationship.  Honestly, if you are not sure how he might react, it will be safer to do this in a semi-public place.  

[Apathetic Echidna]

I agree with everyone so far, especially what @Amathy has said. You avoiding the topic while being out as aromantic maybe makes your friend feel he can force you into a relationship if he makes the fantasy big enough, and being aromantic it is not likely that you will replace him with another partner. He needs to know that you will draw away from him the more he pursues you.  

If you can, spend time with other friends and let them know about the situation so that you still have friendship support if you have to leave him out of your life for a while or longer. 

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I had this problem with someone a long time ago and I hope your groupie isn't as deluded as the one I had. I was open about not wanting a relationship but they just ignored my wishes, it was all about their wishes! I ended up cutting all contact with him, but he persisted in stalking me till it almost got into a court room, the stalking turning aggressive when his amorous intentions weren't returned. 

If I were you I'd debunk anything put up online, so if he writes 'our song' I'd add a comment refuting it and put it in writing /talk to him in the presence of witnesses. Mind you, I'm blunt, mainly due to these past experiences. Make sure it's widely known that these sentiments belong to him alone, don't be misinterpreted as stringing him along, and be true to yourself. I hope it works out the way you want, I ended up moving away!