How does sexual attraction manifest itself?

[Mayranush]

How do you know if you've ever experienced  sexual attraction or not when you never experienced it and you do not know how sexual attraction manifests itself? How do you know if your desire to touch someone is a result of a sexual or another type of attraction? To find answers to these questions for myself I searched online and also found a hard copy of a brochure where sexual attraction was described as a desire to be sexually close to someone and to touch and caress them sexually, but again what does it mean "sexually" how does "sexually" manifest itself? I also questioned couple of people who identify as more or less sexual. Because they never had to separate one attraction from another /as they've never needed to/ they were having hard time to answer this question. After thinking for a while 2 of them answered, "When I touch someone and I feel aroused then I know the attraction I'm experiencing is sexual" Another person disagreed convincing me that  oftentimes they would  experience sexual attraction without being aroused. I think being more specific when describing sexual attraction is essential for asexual community  and I believe that that will help a lot of people to find their label easily. For myself I also afraid that someday in future I might feel sexual attraction and not be able to recognize it as I've never felt it before. Then I also think maybe I'll just know when I feel  it.  

[Telecaster68]

There are masses of debates all, over AVEN about the nature of sexual attraction as its a pretty nebulous concept, and as you've discovered, sexuals (like me) never really think about defining it much as it's not a problem for us. And since asexuals by definition never feel it, they have no way accessing what it feels like. I'm definitely of the 'if you have to ask, you haven't felt it' camp. It's a massive rabbit hole really. A couple of things it's *not*: wanting to have sex with someone purely on the basis of looks (most sexuals don't get that either); or getting physically aroused purely on the basis of looks - arousal is different to wanting to have sex with someone. 

 

Clearer criteria for asexuality woild be to ask yourself 'would I be distressed if I never had sex, ever?' and 'do I want to have sex for my own intrinsic pleasure (rather than for my partner's benefit or to have a child)'. If you can answer 'no' to both those then chances are you're asexual. 

 

 

[Quinoa]

Here's a website you might find helpful: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/

 

This person is very open about his experiences and the exact things that made him realize he was asexual. I especially recommend the possible signs of asexuality series. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

There are masses of debates all, over AVEN about the nature of sexual attraction as its a pretty nebulous concept, and as you've discovered, sexuals (like me) never really think about defining it much as it's not a problem for us. And since asexuals by definition never feel it, they have no way accessing what it feels like. I'm definitely of the 'if you have to ask, you haven't felt it' camp. It's a massive rabbit hole really. A couple of things it's *not*: wanting to have sex with someone purely on the basis of looks (most sexuals don't get that either); or getting physically aroused purely on the basis of looks - arousal is different to wanting to have sex with someone. 

 

Clearer criteria for asexuality woild be to ask yourself 'would I be distressed if I never had sex, ever?' and 'do I want to have sex for my own intrinsic pleasure (rather than for my partner's benefit or to have a child)'. If you can answer 'no' to both those then chances are you're asexual.

I largely agree with it. I have some libido, but I'm quite sure that I don't feel sexual attraction for one primary reason: I'm simply unable to want to have sex with anyone. My aversion to the idea of personally having sex is high enough and any "desire to be 'normal'" is so infinitesimal in my case that I have no desire whatsoever to overcome this aversion.

[Janus the Fox]

I know because I don't have any psycho-sexual reaction with my boyfriend, what I tend to mean there's no drive, no deeper level sexual reaction by any means outside the realms of personal or shared fetish and romantic connections.  By contrast the boyfriend is quite sexually reactive to my body and have this deeper sexual connection along with his personal and shared fetishes.  This includes a consistent desire to have sex regularly which I never had at any point.

[nothinbuttrouble]

The sexual attraction thing is just too foggy to count on. I know it's part of the accepted definition of asexuality, but because no one seems to be able to quite pin down what it is, I've said to myself, "It's not sexual attraction, no matter how drawn to someone else a person is, unless the person actually feels the urge to have sexual interaction (which I count as interaction meant to cause arousal) with the person they're drawn to." If the person is confused as to whether they're feeling that or not, the confusion ends with the simple question of, "But would I actually have interaction intended to cause arousal with them for my own pleasure?" Not out of curiosity, or for convention, to please a partner, to conceive a child, or for money, etc. This also needs to be a real life person you are considering having this interaction with, not a character or someone it is otherwise impossible to actually interact with, or else it's all just theory. If the answer is, "No, I would NOT have interaction intended to cause arousal with this person for my own pleasure," your attraction is not sexual.

 

I know the idea of using sexual desire instead of attraction is problematic for the community because then there's the overlap with people who have no libido. But what could be more asexual than, "I have no desire to have sexual interaction with you"? This shouldn't describe a celibate allo, as they should be experiencing at least some desire to interact sexually with others, or else they haven't chosen celibacy at all and are just asexual.

 

I would count no sex kinks as sexual interaction, because they are activities that are engaged in almost always with the intention of causing arousal, but I can't for a couple of reasons. 1) NO ONE counts kink without traditional sexual contact (at least 2nd base) as sex. 2) It may be engaged in by some people for an emotional charge, not arousal.