Jump to content

The Story of My Aberrance


Only Afloat

Recommended Posts

The experiences someone faces or witnesses can shape them to be a better, or worse version of themselves. This is the attitude I've embraced since I was able to grasp the concept of thinking abstractly. My story and thoughts are long, and for those who read, thank you. I'd like to blow of some steam and maybe I'm not so alone with my aberrant ways after all. If you can resonate at all, please don't hesitate to respond--it'd be nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts/experiences.

 

I've never really liked the idea of copulation, or anything with that as a fact. The idea of it all scared me when I first learned about it in elementary school. In middle school, the idea no longer scared me, instead I thought of it as unnecessary in a relationship. I still had that mentality when I became a freshman in high school. I turned down guys left and right because I knew that every relationship eventually leads to copulation. Then at lunch one day during my senior year, I had this horrible conversation with my friends; one that caused me to cease calling them my friends, and go to sitting in an empty classroom to eat lunch for the rest of the year. I'm slightly paraphrasing. I wrote it in my journal I was writing in at the time, so I'm using that as my dialogue. The whole day and all the emotions I felt is still vivid in my memory. I removed names to protect their identity, so my apologies if it becomes confusing.

 

One of the guys I was sitting with asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with him. I politely said no thanks.

Then I was asked by another at the lunch table, "why do you say no everyone who asks you out?"

I said to her exactly what was on my mind. "I'd love to go out and date, it's just that if I start dating, we'd have to have sex at some point."

Another girl at the table chimed in with "what's wrong with doing it?"

I responded with "I don't care for anything that has to do with sex. I like to be physical, but nothing to do with sex. I'd rather be emotionally, mentally, and physically involved but not sexually." (I've done reading on intimacy at that point trying to figure out why I didn't like the last part and what was wrong with me).

She then responded with "that's not normal. You'll never have a good relationship if you don't ever get to the good stuff." Everyone else agreed, then proceeded to talk about their history.

I just sat in silence, ignoring them, while proceeding to eat the rest of my food, then all of the sudden the girl who told me I wasn't normal said to me "maybe you should become a nun. They aren't normal, and you'd fit right in pretending."

I got irritated and said "I'm not pretending to be anything."

"So why are you lying to everyone?" She was irritated too. I didn't respond.

"Are you human?" another person asked. I didn't respond again.

They started laughing a bit, so I got up and left. I didn't want to know if they said anything after I left.

I went to the empty classroom and started crying for some reason. So began the quest to figure out what was wrong with me.

 

I found myself learning about asexuality. Even now knowing why I think the way I do, I still feel like I'm alone. I live in an extremely conservative area. That was my first and last time ever talking about asexuality in person. Rumors were spread around the school, and I was isolated. It turned from "she doesn't like sex" to "she's secretly a hoe and denies it." Being different from everyone else around here leads you to social isolation. Something else that makes me even more so isolated is I have a preference for liking females more than I do males.

 

I've always pictured a great relationship where honest communication is a priority. That we choose to be in love, rather then rely on a feeling caused by hormones and neurotransmitters. I've pictured spoiling my SO, going on adventures and making unforgettable memories, and enjoying what life has to offer together for as long as humanly possible. Good personality and compatibility is also a must. If I were to be truly in love, I wouldn't mind doing sexual things here and there for my partner even though I don't have a desire for it. I'd be looking to make sure my partner is happy. That kind of love, where one loves each other emotionally, physically, and mentally to the fullest extent seems nonexistent in this culture. My ideal relationship probably seems impractical and unrealistic too, henceforth I accepted it as a fantasy. I concluded I may not get a chance to experience this type of love in my lifetime and it's okay. There is nothing I can do to change myself.

 

I'm in an unbelievably small percentage--I've realized. I'm in Uni currently; I still have a long way to go and many more experiences to face/witness to make the best version of myself.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this community and letting me share a tidbit. I'm Only Afloat.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear that your friends were rude and unaccepting, but unfortunately people fear what they don't understand, and since asexuality is not very well know people turn to the idea of you lying instead of trying to understand what you're experiencing. They were really mean to you, and you didn't deserve it. But, that sort of relationship is possible. It is possible to have a relationship without sex, and there are a fair few people on here who are in that sort of relationship. It just means you need to change what you're looking for in a person. For example, why not go to the Meetup Mart to meet asexuals in your area, or join one of the asexual dating websites. There's a lot that you can achieve if you have the right support, and now you have us! Seriously if you need anything we'll be more than happy to help :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Lichley! I just checked out the Meetup mart and can't find any groups in my area/state unfortunately. Maybe that'll change someday though. I am glad to be here. Grateful to have support and hopefully I can be as supportive for this community as well!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can always open your own thread about it, I'm sure there are plenty of people nearby who'd like to come and visit :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...