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autumnrose

Poly or Gray...or both?

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autumnrose

I've spent many years reflecting on my sexuality, mostly because it has always caused problems in my relationships. I stumbled upon the concepts of Polyamory and Asexuality a few years back and have since then done much reading about them. 

 

Because I am into sex sometimes, I identify as gray. My confusion, however, lies in the reasons behind WHY I'm not interested in sex much of the time...or why sex is usually boring and disappointing. Does this happen because I'm gray or does this happen because inherently, I'm not suited to monogamy? I wonder if sexually and even romantically, I am simply craving novelty and new relationship energy. 

 

I haven't tested either out fully. I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship and I've never been in a monogamous relationship where my partner and I are aware and have accepted my gray-ness. Perhaps, if I were in a relationship where few conflicts occurred (as opposed to my usual conflict-ridden relationships), I'd be quite happy to be monogamous? 

 

Anyone else questioning this...or has mistaken asexuality for a preference to non-monogamy?

 

Or, has anyone found polyamory to be much more suited to them?

 

 

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🎄Ryan🎄

From my understanding of polyamory is that they are separate from  sexual preference, so in this case it is possible you could be better suited for poly relationships and be grey asexual. I think when it comes to poly vs monogamous it maybe you prefer one over the other but could do both. I personally couldn't do poly as I find more then one partner to be too much work for me, my best friend on the other hand has to be in a poly relationship. There are some that don't care or can do either as well. I think figure out what you want out of relationships and go from there. 

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autumnrose

I also worry that more than one relationship would be too much work...unless the relationships were not demanding a lot of time.  I've read about people who have relationships with people where they only see each other once or twice a year, but they maintain a very close connection over a decade. 

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🎄Ryan🎄
3 hours ago, autumnrose said:

I also worry that more than one relationship would be too much work...unless the relationships were not demanding a lot of time.  I've read about people who have relationships with people where they only see each other once or twice a year, but they maintain a very close connection over a decade. 

I'm not a very good expert on Poly relationships and how much effort it takes, I know my friend who does have poly relationships always has some news about one and seems to be in fights or breaking up with one person often, which seems understandable if you have 5+ relationships to me. I personally wouldn't want to deal with the drama from all combine relationships and rather go for monogamous. He finds one person to be boring and he is always attracted to more and would feel limited not perusing those people. I don't really have a desire to talk to more people to even start anything, so I think it comes down to what you want and if you are attracted to others and can handle the extra stress that could come with a poly relationship. 

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Law of Circles
21 hours ago, autumnrose said:

I've read about people who have relationships with people where they only see each other once or twice a year, but they maintain a very close connection over a decade. 

That type of relationship is sometimes referred to as a "comet" - an intimate relationship where you only see the other person every so often (when they're in your "orbit"). I've had relationships like that, and it's really nice. It's definitely a real thing if that's what you're looking for. :)

 

I think polyamory isn't inherently more work than monogamy - it's just a different kind of work, and it can be more or less challenging for different people. For me, polyamory is easier than monogamy because I feel more suited for it, but most monogamy-inclined folks would probably find it to be a big challenge. Also, as a poly person who prefers relationships without much life enmeshment, I could be in several low-key intimate relationships that are collectively less work than another person's monogamous relationship.

 

I also think sexuality is a separate issue from relationship orientation (i.e. preference for monogamy or polyamory) although there are some ways they can interact. For example, I discovered polyamory and relationship anarchy through the asexual community, and it was my desire for nonsexual relationships at the time that led me to consider other ways in which I might want to break the norm. Non-monogamy naturally came to mind, and for me personally, it makes sense.

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FictoVore.
21 hours ago, autumnrose said:

I also worry that more than one relationship would be too much work...unless the relationships were not demanding a lot of time.  I've read about people who have relationships with people where they only see each other once or twice a year, but they maintain a very close connection over a decade. 

Some poly people don't have relationships, they just have sexual friendships or whatever. So just people who they know who they have sex with whenever they're both in the mood. I know some people actually find they're a lot more sexual than they previously thought when they move out of monogamy and relationships and into that more 'open sexuality'. So that could be the case with you? I'm the opposite, I CAN'T desire sexual intimacy unless there is total 100% hardcore committed monogamy lol. Monogamy itself actually turns me on :P It's interested how different people can be from each other!

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autumnrose
Quote

I also think sexuality is a separate issue from relationship orientation (i.e. preference for monogamy or polyamory) although there are some ways they can interact. For example, I discovered polyamory and relationship anarchy through the asexual community, and it was my desire for nonsexual relationships at the time that led me to consider other ways in which I might want to break the norm. Non-monogamy naturally came to mind, and for me personally, it makes sense.

I agree. My path first began with me reading about swinging in an attempt to push my sex accelerator. This was one of many attempts. I thought that maybe I just hadn't figured out what did it for me sexually. Swinging (reading about it...lol...not doing it!) brought me to Polyamory and that's when I felt like, "Yeah, this sounds much better." My initial reaction was that if my partner had someone else to fulfill his sexual needs, we'd stop having conflicts. I would also be happy that he would be happy because I did care about him. And, would I ever be happy to not have to have sex often... or at all! Once I read more, I realized how much novelty (new people) and new relationship energy is important, interesting and fun for me. So, Polamory really sounded like a good fit for me. 

 

I realized, just today actually, that I've only been defining myself as gray in the sexual sense, but I'm starting to think I'm also gray in the romantic sense. I know I experience romantic attraction, but this, like my interest in sex, seems limited. It takes a lot for me to be interested in someone and once I am, it seems to fizzle rather than grow. I still care for the person, but it's more like how I'd feel towards a good friend. 

 

I haven't read much, if anything, about gray in the romantic sense. I'm sure there is a label for this but I just don't remember reading about it. I'd like to hear/read/learn more about it, if someone can steer me to another forum or post?? It's definitely a community here - I need directions to find my way around! 

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Deus Ex Infinity

Being poly and gray-A is ok since it's two different things.

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