ConnieT Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 I know there are 1,000s of posts just like this one. But I still wanted to make my own and hopefully get some direct advice. We’ve been dating for about a month and a half and even though that’s not a very long time, we are becoming very close. She is 21, I am 27. I knew she might be asexual before we started dating but didn’t really know for sure. She confirmed that several weeks ago, so I’ve done lots of research, read through forums on here, and we’ve also talked a lot about it. I’ve been honest with her that I don’t know if I can be in a long term relationship without sex, but besides that fact I love what we’re growing together. I want to respect her completely, and we have very open communication as far as our feelings, if we’re uncomfortable with something, etc. I haven’t asked too much about her asexuality because I don’t known what would and wouldn’t be appropriate, but I did ask and learned she is sex repulsed. To her - sex is terrifying. So I’ll start by saying - I’m continuing the relationship with her under the expectation that we will never have sex. With that said - I do still sometimes think, or hope, that that changes. I never say this to her, because I know where things stand right now. And I don’t plan to ever push her past her comfort zones. If I ever get to a point where I can’t keep things that way...then that’s when we’ll have to end things, and I’ve expressed that because I care about her too much to hurt her. I feel terrible for that feeling - hoping she will change. I have told her, I don’t want nor expect her to change. And that is true. It’s hard to get rid of that wish, though. On top of that of course I am sexually attracted to her. I fantasize about her, think about her when I masturbate but when I do...I feel horrible for it. I know it’s not directly hurting her, but it still feels like something I shouldn’t be doing. Like I should suppress my sexual feelings for her so we can make things work. And especially to hear that she’s terrified of it - sexualizing her feels wrong. We talked a bit about this in generic terms - and she doesn’t shame me for my sexual attraction. We both agree I can’t change that anymore than she can change herself. I don’t bring up my attraction to her or use any sexual language toward her but I still feel...so conflicted. I’m worried if I do let myself think of her that way it’ll just make things worse. TL; DR: is it wrong for me to fantasize about my asexual, sex-repulsed girlfriend? How do other sexual people deal with this? Should I suppress my sexual attraction for her, even if I don’t express it toward her? Link to post Share on other sites
Pamalla-Shay Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 it is possible she won't be sex repulsed forever but at the same time I don't think she is going to change.. you can think and feel however you do and I hope you can find a way to make this work for both of you. an asexual and a sexual person being in a relationship together can be hard .. I don't think I can really give you any advice.. I understand that for you to be truly happy in a relationship you need sex but that is not how it works for an ace person.. I wish you and her the best of luck with this. Link to post Share on other sites
ConnieT Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 20 minutes ago, Pamalla-Shay said: it is possible she won't be sex repulsed forever but at the same time I don't think she is going to change.. you can think and feel however you do and I hope you can find a way to make this work for both of you. an asexual and a sexual person being in a relationship together can be hard .. I don't think I can really give you any advice.. I understand that for you to be truly happy in a relationship you need sex but that is not how it works for an ace person.. I wish you and her the best of luck with this. Thank you. The hard thing is I don’t know if I need sex to be happy or not in a relationship because I have pretty minimal relationship experience myself. I feel like no matter what the relationship will end eventually because of this, and that makes both of us pretty sad. We’ll keep trying for now though. Thank you for your wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Pamalla-Shay Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 no problem..keep trying with the relationship, that is all you can do right now Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 2 hours ago, ConnieT said: I feel terrible for that feeling - hoping she will change. I have told her, I don’t want nor expect her to change. There's a disconnect there -- you hope she will change, but you've told her you don't want her to change. That lack of complete honesty will not make the relationship easier -- instead, it may very well make the both of you more uncomfortable, because she will likely know the difference between what you say and how you feel. I understand you don't want to scare her (or yourself) away from this new relationship, but with a difference in this important part of the relationship, it may be better to keep the difference clear between you. Link to post Share on other sites
ConnieT Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 45 minutes ago, Sally said: There's a disconnect there -- you hope she will change, but you've told her you don't want her to change. That lack of complete honesty will not make the relationship easier -- instead, it may very well make the both of you more uncomfortable, because she will likely know the difference between what you say and how you feel. I understand you don't want to scare her (or yourself) away from this new relationship, but with a difference in this important part of the relationship, it may be better to keep the difference clear between you. I completely understand what you’re saying. It’s hard for me to put what I feel into words. I have a small, back of the mind hope she would change but I rationally don’t expect her to and I am not with her in the hopes that she will change. I know my hope is just a small thought, but that she’s asexual and I have to be with her on the premise that she will always be asexual. I don’t know a better word to use than hope but it’s more like - that’d be cool if it happened but I know it won’t. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 That sounds very rational -- and even though I'm asexual, I can understand that back-of-the-mind hope. Everyone entering a relationship would like to reduce whatever differences there might be. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 5 hours ago, ConnieT said: I completely understand what you’re saying. It’s hard for me to put what I feel into words. I have a small, back of the mind hope she would change but I rationally don’t expect her to and I am not with her in the hopes that she will change. I know my hope is just a small thought, but that she’s asexual and I have to be with her on the premise that she will always be asexual. I don’t know a better word to use than hope but it’s more like - that’d be cool if it happened but I know it won’t. You have to, as you do, put focus on what you have and not on what migth change. If she is sex repulsed then the change is far away. I think you should consider how to get your sexual fullfillment. In my own case, masturbating, doesnt keep the demons away. Then a depression will creep in on me and will cloud my mind. A loving, helping hand from my sex-indifferent partner could do the job. Other couples open their relationship on this issue. The alternative is sometimes closing down. Link to post Share on other sites
EggplantWitch Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 As another sex-repulsed woman (though I guess on the less repulsed end of the scale thanks to AVEN), I might be able to offer some advice or insight - but please bear in mind, we're all different! At the end of the day you should talk to her about this, not some strangers on the internet, but we're happy to offer guidance. Yes, it is possible she will become less repulsed with time. I know I have. But you should not expect it for sure. It's also possible that while 'regular' PIV (penis in vagina) sex horrifies her, there are other sexual activities she won't mind as much - handjobs, using toys, engaging in fetishes, etc. She might not, she might hate it all. And even if she doesn't, PIV sex might be the only thing that properly satisfies you. Only the two of you know. Regarding masturbation to fantasies, I'd personally be quite flattered with a boyfriend masturbating to my image, because it means I could still offer sexual gratification without having to get quite so involved, so it's possible she feels the same way and you don't have to feel guilty - but she might not. Everyone, regardless of orientation, has different boundaries. You sound like a really considerate boyfriend, and it sounds like you both want to make it work, so if you phrase things delicately I'm sure she'll be willing to talk even if it's an awkward topic. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ConnieT Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 25 minutes ago, EggplantWitch said: As another sex-repulsed woman (though I guess on the less repulsed end of the scale thanks to AVEN), I might be able to offer some advice or insight - but please bear in mind, we're all different! At the end of the day you should talk to her about this, not some strangers on the internet, but we're happy to offer guidance. Thank you - I really appreciate the advice. 25 minutes ago, EggplantWitch said: Yes, it is possible she will become less repulsed with time. I know I have. But you should not expect it for sure. It's also possible that while 'regular' PIV (penis in vagina) sex horrifies her, there are other sexual activities she won't mind as much - handjobs, using toys, engaging in fetishes, etc. She might not, she might hate it all. And even if she doesn't, PIV sex might be the only thing that properly satisfies you. Only the two of you know. I didn’t feel like putting it in my main post, but I am FtM so PIV isn’t really a thing without toys lol. I’ve actully never been with a woman, only men, so my experience in that area is zero. So I know I’d be willing to change things up, we’re not constricted by PIV being neccessary so I think that is a good thing perhaps. 25 minutes ago, EggplantWitch said: Regarding masturbation to fantasies, I'd personally be quite flattered with a boyfriend masturbating to my image, because it means I could still offer sexual gratification without having to get quite so involved, so it's possible she feels the same way and you don't have to feel guilty - but she might not. Everyone, regardless of orientation, has different boundaries. You sound like a really considerate boyfriend, and it sounds like you both want to make it work, so if you phrase things delicately I'm sure she'll be willing to talk even if it's an awkward topic. Best of luck. It’s actually really good to hear your perspective on that. I know it doesn’t mean that’s true for her but that’s still good to hear. I would definitely be very uncomfortable trying to bring that up so I think I’ll wait a while longer before talking about that, to give things more time. If she felt the same as you - thatd be great, I could do my thing without feeling so shitty. But if she felt the opposite that would be even harder. But I do want to know how she feels on the topic, I’m just scared of the result... i think in general i have a lot of anxiety anxiety over the whole thing. I do have anxiety issues and I’m seeing my therapist again this week and plan on talking to her about this issue, because I think I’m over-fixated on this topic and I don’t need to be. Thanks again for everything you said. Link to post Share on other sites
ConnieT Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 After doing some journaling and thinking , especially after what eggplantwitch said - I realized my issue isn’t with her being asexual, it’s entirely with me feeling guilty about being sexually attracted to her. So it’s not great but it’s at least something I have control over. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I don't think you need to be guilty about your sexual feelings for her, after all you are sexual and that is part of having a sexual orientation. You're not doing her any harm by fantasising! Link to post Share on other sites
Kai99 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 On 11/18/2017 at 8:17 PM, ConnieT said: I know there are 1,000s of posts just like this one. But I still wanted to make my own and hopefully get some direct advice. We’ve been dating for about a month and a half and even though that’s not a very long time, we are becoming very close. She is 21, I am 27. I knew she might be asexual before we started dating but didn’t really know for sure. She confirmed that several weeks ago, so I’ve done lots of research, read through forums on here, and we’ve also talked a lot about it. I’ve been honest with her that I don’t know if I can be in a long term relationship without sex, but besides that fact I love what we’re growing together. I want to respect her completely, and we have very open communication as far as our feelings, if we’re uncomfortable with something, etc. I haven’t asked too much about her asexuality because I don’t known what would and wouldn’t be appropriate, but I did ask and learned she is sex repulsed. To her - sex is terrifying. So I’ll start by saying - I’m continuing the relationship with her under the expectation that we will never have sex. With that said - I do still sometimes think, or hope, that that changes. I never say this to her, because I know where things stand right now. And I don’t plan to ever push her past her comfort zones. If I ever get to a point where I can’t keep things that way...then that’s when we’ll have to end things, and I’ve expressed that because I care about her too much to hurt her. I feel terrible for that feeling - hoping she will change. I have told her, I don’t want nor expect her to change. And that is true. It’s hard to get rid of that wish, though. On top of that of course I am sexually attracted to her. I fantasize about her, think about her when I masturbate but when I do...I feel horrible for it. I know it’s not directly hurting her, but it still feels like something I shouldn’t be doing. Like I should suppress my sexual feelings for her so we can make things work. And especially to hear that she’s terrified of it - sexualizing her feels wrong. We talked a bit about this in generic terms - and she doesn’t shame me for my sexual attraction. We both agree I can’t change that anymore than she can change herself. I don’t bring up my attraction to her or use any sexual language toward her but I still feel...so conflicted. I’m worried if I do let myself think of her that way it’ll just make things worse. TL; DR: is it wrong for me to fantasize about my asexual, sex-repulsed girlfriend? How do other sexual people deal with this? Should I suppress my sexual attraction for her, even if I don’t express it toward her? It isnt wrong to be sexually attracted to her. I wouldnt pretend it isn't there though. You will have to suppress your sexual attraction if you want to stay with her. Whether or not she will eventually be okay with sex is irrelevant right now. We can't tell the future. You have to face what you know now and that is her sex repulsion. Are you really okay with not having sex in this relationship? Are you okay with never getting your sexual needs meet? If your in this relationship hoping that she changes in the future than already your off to a bad start. If your in this relationship with the full understanding that you might never have sex with her and accept that, than your in a better mindset. Now there isnt anything wrong with wishful thinking, but you need to be completely honest with yourself if this is what you actually want. If your hoping this early in an mixed relationship, that should give you a sign. It is okay for no sex to be a deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Raistlin Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Hey! I wanted to jump in here and offer a little hope. I am asexual, and my husband is heterosexual. It's definitely different for every person, but it worked out for us! I was totally sex-repulsed when we first started dating. Now, three years later, I'm actually (mostly) sex-positive! I mean, I'm still asexual. I don't have attraction or desire, but I enjoy being close to the one I love. To get to that place, however, required me to do a whole lot of work in therapy. It was worth it to me (super awful at first, super rewarding in the end), but not everyone will feel that way. I changed myself because I thought the relationship was worth it. That's something you can discuss with your gf at the appropriate time, but recognize that if you are asking her to change for you, you need to be willing to do likewise--to meet her somewhere in the middle. Now, the matter of masturbation. I LOVE it when my husband fantasizes about me! It makes me feel sexy and desired without actually having to do anything. It was a little nerve-wracking when he first told me about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I preferred that his sexual energy be directed at me than at something else. Now I'll even send him teasing pictures, and ask him to tell me when he uses them. I love being able to have that connection without having to participate in an actual sex act. What you're doing is a flattering thing, and girls like to be flattered! At least some of us do. Talk to your gf. Don't make it weird and creepy, just make it clear that you are sexually attracted to her without putting on any strings. Every girl likes to know she is beautiful; she's not (hopefully!) going to chew you out for thinking she is. Those are just some thoughts. The keys, like people have said, are open communication and compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.