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duckyfeets1

Just found out boyfriend is asexual

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duckyfeets1

Hello. Am brand new here and am simply looking on some good advice on how to proceed from this realization.

 

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I absolutely adore him, and am super confident in his love for me as well. In the beginning of our relationship, things were pretty regular and solid on the intimacy front, but the last year and a half or so has seen it drop dramatically off. Finally I had a confrontation about it with him, and he let me know that he trends towards being asexual. For all intents and purposes he is. And it sort of floored me. I never had considered it, especially considering the fact that I was aware he follows porn blogs and such like that. I thought it was me or something. He was super open and honest about everything, and I understand that sexuality exists in as a fluid scale. And fine. I believe him.

 

How on earth do we move forward from here? Neither of us wants to consider ending the relationship. I am super willing to work through compromises with him and whatnot. But Im most worried about making this seem like a pressuring situation for him. I am sexual, and do require intimacy in my relationship. But I dont think I could live with myself if I felt like it was something at all forceful for him.

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Yatagarasu

First and foremost: talk with him. Figure out what he wants in a relationship, tell him your point of view and try working towards it all. From the asexual of a couple? Nothing works better than a good talk and mutual understanding.

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Pamalla-Shay

@Macadamia Nut is right, talk to him about it, and figure out what he wants and you both can come to some sort of a compromise.. I wish you the best of luck

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Achromatic Kitty

Every good thing comes in threes.

 

I have to thrice what the Macadamia said. Talk it out. You really don't get much from someone playing guessing games or assuming things if you don't ask what said person wants in any form of relationship, even friendships point blank. Trust me, it doesn't end well not asking people what they want,,,

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Telecaster68

It seems they are talking already... 

 

1 hour ago, duckyfeets1 said:

I had a confrontation about it with him, and he let me know that he trends towards being asexual... He was super open and honest about everything

I think the OP is after advice a bit less generic. 

 

Which boils down to: find a compromise, she has no sex ever again, open the relationship, or split up. 

 

How open do you think he would be to the first and third of those, OP? 

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banoffeepie

I'm sorry to hear this .. and you seem like such a caring partner willing to explore possibilities. That's a great sign.

Asexuals are just as loving. There's absolutely nothing lacking in this department. In fact some might argue more loving as the attraction is certainly not based on just a physical gratification   I would guess your partner is sensual and/or romantic. This can go a long way.

 

But, as the guys are saying he can't impose his new conditions on you and you can't on him so ultimately separating will happen if you can't find a compromise that you both are happy with. I tried to compromise and it worked for 20 years and 4 kids, but it wasn't a happy compromise so it had to end.

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Traveler40

Hi duckyfeets1, welcome!

 

I agree with Telecaster68.  It boils down to one of those 4 outcomes.  In my relationship, compromise wasn’t possible as it left me (the sexual) policing and constantly thinking about a calendar that wasn’t respected.  Being female, you can’t entice him come to the table in that way if he’s just not into it.  Frankly, it’s harder for us to hit that “schedule” mentality.  Also, I never wanted to be in the state of nagging or policing my husband into “wanting” it.  I crave partnered sex.  With time, the frequency dropped to none with us and left the final three options.  If I’d left him earlier on, I wouldn’t have my two beautiful children (conceived using science), and the wonderful life we’ve generally created.  He’s a good, loving, excellent partner in every other way.  I have no regrets in staying at this juncture even if it is less than ideal. 

 

Cutting away noise and seeing the decades in front of you, seriously consider the options and what works best for each of you.  

 

1. Compromise (scheduled sex)

2. You self stimulate - celibacy

3. Open the relationship 

4. Split up

 

Whatever happens, it’s always a work in progress....That’s simply life.  

 

 

PS I came back to add, for reference, that I have tried the first 3 options.  When option 1 failed, I moved to option 2 by default. Eight years later, I moved to option 3 where I currently sit.  It’s certainly been a journey, and each one is unique.  My only “regret”  of sorts is waiting so many years between options 2 and 3 for what it’s worth.

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MrDane
16 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Hi duckyfeets1, welcome!

 

I agree with Telecaster68.  It boils down to one of those 4 outcomes.  In my relationship, compromise wasn’t possible as it left me (the sexual) policing and constantly thinking about a calendar that wasn’t respected.  Being female, you can’t entice him come to the table in that way if he’s just not into it.  Frankly, it’s harder for us to hit that “schedule” mentality.  Also, I never wanted to be in the state of nagging or policing my husband into “wanting” it.  I crave partnered sex.  With time, the frequency dropped to none with us and left the final three options.  If I’d left him earlier on, I wouldn’t have my two beautiful children (conceived using science), and the wonderful life we’ve generally created.  He’s a good, loving, excellent partner in every other way.  I have no regrets in staying at this juncture even if it is less than ideal. 

 

Cutting away noise and seeing the decades in front of you, seriously consider the options and what works best for each of you.  

 

1. Compromise (scheduled sex)

2. You self stimulate - celibacy

3. Open the relationship 

4. Split up

 

Whatever happens, it’s always a work in progress....That’s simply life.  

 

 

PS I came back to add, for reference, that I have tried the first 3 options.  When option 1 failed, I moved to option 2 by default. Eight years later, I moved to option 3 where I currently sit.  It’s certainly been a journey, and each one is unique.  My only “regret”  of sorts is waiting so many years between options 2 and 3 for what it’s worth.

...and I would call number one, ‘compromise’ for ‘mutual agreements’. Perhaps changing the mindsetting can do something. Instead of being sexy and turned on, it is about receiving a stimulating massage. The schedule can take away a lot of that excitement, which can be devastating for an asexual. It can also give the sexual ease of mind and something to look forward to. 

 

Do also consider how much hugging/kissing/caressing/sweet words that can be misunderstood (or not) as part of a sexual foreplay. 

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duckyfeets1

Thank you everyone so much for the replies. I cannot express how comforting it is to know that there are others around who have been in similar situations and made it work for at least a while.

 

I am willing to work on a compromise with him, but he seems to be avoiding that conversation a bit. Which I get, to an extent. Him coming out was a huge deal, and I did not take it the best at the start. Hopefully we can sit down and have that conversation soon. But my biggest concern moving forward is that by him compromising to something more scheduled, it takes all the romance out for me. I don't want intimacy to become a chore that he has to complete, because then I feel like I'm forcing him to do something that he is not really willing to do. On an even more basic scale, would that compromise be forcing him to take part in something that he is more or less unwilling to do? And how much of the intimacy we experienced previously was forced on his part?

 

I know that most of these questions are ones that only he can answer. But I'm super worried that he will agree to whatever just because he doesn't want the alternative (breaking up) to happen. 

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Telecaster68

Or he might actively want to do something nice for you... 

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