Still Confused.

[Eddis]

Hi all. So I'm highly confused about life and myself at the moment, but I'm hoping someone who reads this can help. I started questioning if i was asexual earlier this year because I was just thinking more about how I've never really liked the idea of kissing or sex or felt a desire to participate. But I told myself it could just be because I've never been in any sort of relationship where it was an option and if I tried it more then maybe that would change. Well here I am months later and now I'm going on dates and it's just super uncomfortable and I don't know what to do about it. My lack of desire to kiss or have sex has not changed in the slightest. I don't find it fun and I don't want to go down that road, but the guy is clearly leaning in that direction and it's making things really uncomfortable. If it was just cuddling with kissing and sex completely off the table I would be so much happier. I think he thinks that me not wanting to kiss is just because I haven't done it much and a tiny (frustrating) part of me is still wondering if that's possible. I'm just confused. Does this sound like asexuality? how can you be sure? What do I tell the guy?

[anlin]

I think that the most important thing is that you don't do anything that you don't want to do. Never force yourself because you feel pressured, either by another person or by society and thoughts/feelings about that you should do it because everyone else does. I think you should ask yourself what you really think about and feel for this guy. Is he someone you really want to spend time with and be with without having to kiss or have sex? If he is, you need to talk to him about this. You can not continue to end up in situations where you keep feling uncomfortable! I know this is difficult but we will support you here on AVEN!

[banoffeepie]

Sounds exactly like asexuality to me.. the dread of sex spoils everything. Even the nice stuff, the romantic stuff and sensual stuff is all spoilt because you know what's coming. Puts you off everything in the end so you get accused of being cold. All it is is that you know where a hug will end up so you don't even go there in the end.

 

@anlin  totally right -  no such thing as an unhappy compromise. Embrace who you are and enjoy the feeling of relief. Then set about finding someone who's the same..... could take a while though!

[banoffeepie]

What do you tell the guy?   hmm well if you trust him, tell him, and let him read the pages here for sexual partners. Maybe there'll be a happy compromise. If you don't trust him so much, if you worry he might not take you seriously and even go round telling other people, then I guess you have to be less open and simply end things.

[fiѕh]

agree with the others. it doesn't matter if it's asexuality, if you're uncomfortable, you should take yourself seriously. tell him what you don't want, there's no reason that you need an excuse or an explanation not to want something (sex or whatever else). I do think it's best to at least bring up what you're not okay with, simply because you'll feel better having some clear boundaries rather than anxiously awaiting the situation and battering your head about how to say no. what info you want to give him apart from that is up to you.