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Highly Confused With Myself


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I'm sure there are thousands of topics in this forum like this, so I'll try to be succinct so as not to bore you to tears. Basically, I'm confused about my sexuality and how it would fit into a relationship. I've been poking around this site and forum for months, and based upon the information I've read, I gather I may be a "biromantic asexual" and here's why:

 

I'm a 31 year old female and have only been in one relationship which was a short-lived and, honestly, somewhat traumatic experience. I was 20 years old and had never even kissed a guy before him. Prior to that, I'd never looked at guys with sexual desire. I'd notice their looks and be able to acknowledge if they were physically appealing, but a desire to be sexual with them was never there. So, naturally, when I got in my first (and last) relationship, I didn't expect sex. He, however, very much so did. 

 

I was very uncomfortable with the prospect of sex and whenever he would touch me I would tense up. I told him I didn't want to, and even recall physically stopping his hands from removing my panties one night, but he just sort of kept going after offering a half-ass attempt at quelling my anxieties by saying, "I won't look" (I'd mentioned being uncomfortable with being seen nude by others, to him, before). Anyway, it was incredibly painful physically, and I didn't enjoy it at all. But each time we were together, he'd initiate and I felt almost obligated to give in because "that's what you do in a relationship; have sex." And each time, it hurt like hell.

 

To make a very long and, by all accounts, horrific story short, that relationship essentially ended because of one thing; I didn't want, nor enjoy sex and he did. I admit, I felt no sexual pull towards him so I automatically assumed that I was a lesbian. Considering that I felt more at ease around and drawn to women, it was a logical conclusion to jump to. But then I've recently come to realize that while I can definitely feel the same emotional and romantic attraction for women that I can for men, I don't desire sex with them either. I barely even like touches such as cuddling, hugging and kissing. So where does that leave me in the relationship game?

 

I do know one thing. It makes for a very isolating existence for me, mainly because I seriously doubt most would be willing to tolerate my not wanting sex and physical intimacy. I still have a strong desire for companionship and romantic love, but because I don't want to go through the immense emotional (and physical) pain I went through with that man, I don't bother to pursue it and stay to myself. But, I'm actually very lonely that way, and have been considering just doing what I did before (compromising and giving in to sex to make my partner happy) because the likelihood that I'll find someone like me that I can also "click" with seems very thin. It wouldn't necessarily be the same situation I had with him either because as it turns out, he was a genuinely bad person (a LOT went down in that relationshit that I don't even want to get into here). 

 

This is pretty long so...

 

 TL;DR: I desire romantic companionship with either gender but don't want sex or physical intimacy of any kind from either gender. Is it possible for me to find a relationship like that and where would/should I begin to find one? I know relationships like this exist. But how and under what circumstances do they usually start?

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Apathetic Echidna

Seems like you have had some pretty comprehensive introspection along with plenty of information from all the poking around the websites. There are people around who are seeking all sorts of relationships, so maybe investigating if there are asexual meetings or groups in your area or even if there are clubs or lessons of things you are interested in. You never know what sorts of people you will meet so it is possible you could find some new friends comfortable with being a companion. 

 

I hope you saw a doctor about the pain if you don't normally see a gynaecologist. There are a few things that can go mostly unnoticed until penetration or a professional exam, just better to be checked out than not when it comes to health. 

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Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, dlnvu19! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

 

I recommend that you focus on socialising, rather than partnering. Collect a group of friends with some shared interests. Hang out in small groups instead of dating. Find buddies to talk to. One of those friendships might develop into a platonic or romantic non-sexual relationship. And even if it doesn't, you'll still spend a lot of your time among friends.

 

All the best to you!

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7 hours ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, dlnvu19! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

 

I recommend that you focus on socialising, rather than partnering. Collect a group of friends with some shared interests. Hang out in small groups instead of dating. Find buddies to talk to. One of those friendships might develop into a platonic or romantic non-sexual relationship. And even if it doesn't, you'll still spend a lot of your time among friends.

 

All the best to you!

Thank you for the welcome. I have been trying the "friendship" thing also. Something else I failed to mention was my issues with social anxiety and relating to others. I don't think others notice because I'm fairly good at "faking" normalcy and hiding the fact that I'm completely disconnected from most people, but it's definitely a struggle. The "friends" I have are actually acquaintances with whom I share very superficial relationships and have no connection, but I am trying. Maybe too hard? That might be my problem (analyzing every interpersonal relationship and the people involved; I even do this with family). 

 

10 hours ago, stuartmcgrath said:

you can try some of theses sites (if they work) 

Wow. That is quite a list. I'll take a look at it. Thank you!

 

 

10 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I hope you saw a doctor about the pain if you don't normally see a gynaecologist. There are a few things that can go mostly unnoticed until penetration or a professional exam, just better to be checked out than not when it comes to health. 

According to my gyno, there's nothing physiologically wrong with me. I've seen three and they all surmised it's because I didn't want to do it in the first place and was "going against myself." I don't know. I think I just have a problem with penetration in general, their exams aren't exactly a picnic, either. <_<

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I would go with Roland.O's advice and focus on finding some friends with similar interests. It can be difficult to keep friendships going as people get older, pair off, have kids, but all the more reason to try and keep connecting with new people. I do get a bit fedup investing too heavily in new social situations (that disconnected feeling you talk about), but if you do find a potential good friend in the mix, it's worth it. Romance would be nice, but I'm not prepared to take on another person's 'sexual baggage' to keep them happy. 

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22 hours ago, dlnvu19 said:

Something else I failed to mention was my issues with social anxiety and relating to others. I don't think others notice because I'm fairly good at "faking" normalcy and hiding the fact that I'm completely disconnected from most people, but it's definitely a struggle.

I know the feeling. Though I probably wasn't as good as you in faking :-)

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Questioning at 35

You are not alone, as I felt like you were writing about me as I read this. I relate to all of what you said in so many ways, it hurts. 

 

Hugs go to you as you work thru this as I am learning to process this reality at the same time.

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7 hours ago, Questioning at 35 said:

You are not alone, as I felt like you were writing about me as I read this. I relate to all of what you said in so many ways, it hurts. 

 

Hugs go to you as you work thru this as I am learning to process this reality at the same time.

Thank you. It does help to know there are others like you out there who understand and wouldn't consider you to be a "weirdo." I do wish you the best in working through it as well, because it's not easy. 

 

10 hours ago, roland.o said:

I know the feeling. Though I probably wasn't as good as you in faking :-)

I shouldn't say I'm "good" at it, to make a minor correction. For all I know, people do, in fact, perceive me to be strange but just don't say anything. They talk to me if they're in my presence, but they never reach out to me (unless they want something from me) to invite me out to places or just to see how I'm doing. So I assume it's a "I'm only talking to you because we work together" sort of situation. I literally have no close friends at all that I can just call to "hang out" with; only family. I'm quite grateful for my family, also. Because if it wasn't for them, I would be 100% alone. So it actually could be worse, and knowing that it isn't, is comforting. 

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Alright, even if you don't find someone and get fed up with that loneliness, no matter what, I would advise you to, on top of what others have said, do not compromise yourself. You do not deserve that. No one deserves that. That is the biggest thing in my opinion, for you to be true to who you are, don't let others change you, and under no circumstances should you ever compromise yourself. I wish you the best of luck, though. <3

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12 hours ago, dlnvu19 said:

I literally have no close friends at all that I can just call to "hang out" with; only family.

I was never a family person. The closest friends I have I made when I was so desperate that I needed someone to talk to. Once I opened up to them, they became friends. I wish it was easier for me to make friends though :-)

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Space-Ace-Android

I think asexual relationships usually start with two people who know each other well, and after becoming good friends, someone comes out as asexual. This can go many ways, but I will just list the positive examples: For instance, person B  (who is sexual) respects that the other person does not want sex, and a romantic relationship forms with boundaries respected.

 

Or- Both are asexual and the relationship is smooth sailing with cuddles on the ship, not actual shipping.

 

Or you could find an asexual dating site.  Here is an example: Asexual Dating - UK Asexual Dating

So... Good luck with finding a partner, and have a brilliant day!

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I feel the same way as you, very isolated, and think to myself how I supposed to fit into this society that is overly sexualized. I also feel very lonely, with the prospect of not being able to find someone who would put up with me. I, myself have never been in a relationship , because of how I am or done anything sexual, but I do feel more drawn to women and more comfortable around them.

Even though I am quite lonely and getting on abit (27) haha, I would like to have a relationship with someone who takes me as I am, so I don't think you should compromise yourself for someone else, you should be happy too and people should respect who you are.

Anyway, enough of my boring rambling and good luck 

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