Galactic Turtle Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Hello humans. Just pondering during my Friday break and started thinking about sexual and romantic orientation alignment. I know the split attraction model is seen as controversial by some but in general I was wondering just how common it is for someone's sexual and romantic orientation to be different? I'm not sure what the stats are for the ace community specifically but I'd say there's definitely fewer aro ace people who identify as such than there are romantic ace people and then amongst romantic aces you've really got all types so at the end of the day it seems somewhat evenly split between aro/hetero/bi/pan/homoromantic... not like I've been counting or anything but it just sort of seems that way. However in non-ace spaces and like... out in the world... I haven't really seen someone ID as say... heterosexual and homoromantic or bisexual and heteroromantic. I'm sure this is because the split attraction model is still very much a thing that seems to have derived from ace communities and in general maybe sexual attraction might direct someone to a certain set of partners more powerfully than romantic attraction (especially if that person isn't asexual) but I was just kind of wondering what people's general thoughts were! Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 I think sexual people are less likely to have different sexual/romantic orientations, and I think when they do they're more likely to identify wholly with their romantic orientation - as in, call it their sexual orientation because they see them as one and the same. So somebody who is only interested in relationships with women, but enjoys giving men blowjobs every once in a while, they would identify according to their interest in relationships with women. Blowjobs might be a secret side gig, or maybe they would say that they're technically bisexual, but for practical purposes only their interest in relationships with women would be of any concern to anyone else. When people say they go through bisexual phases, they might be bisexual but just determine through life experience that they're interested in relationships with one gender and then identify as either gay or straight going forward. There's less of a need to think through it if someone can find sexual fulfillment through a gender they are romantically attracted to. For sexual people who are not like that (e.g. strictly heterosexual and strictly homoromantic, or vice versa), they are more likely to have similar problems to romantic asexuals and will probably understand the usefulness of the split attraction model than anyone whose sexual and romantic orientations are compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowstepper Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 I knew a guy years ago that considered himself homosexual and was really flamboyant about it, but didn't have sex with other men. Instead he would have sex with women, even though he didn't consider himself straight or bisexual, and didn't see women as anything more than a friend in any capacity. I also know a guy that has had long term sexual relationships with men, but considers himself straight and would never consider the idea of a romantic relationship with a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Does anyone else take those two men's claims about their orientations seriously? I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted November 17, 2017 Author Share Posted November 17, 2017 25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Does anyone else take those two men's claims about their orientations seriously? I don't. I guess? Split attraction aces confuse me sometimes so I'd assume split attraction non-aces would be confusing too. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 There's a big difference between claiming sexual attraction to one gender then always having sex with the other, and saying you're romantically but not sexually attracted to a gender. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted November 17, 2017 Author Share Posted November 17, 2017 3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: There's a big difference between claiming sexual attraction to one gender then always having sex with the other, and saying you're romantically but not sexually attracted to a gender. So split attraction only applies if you're a-something or I guess... bi-something? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 But it wasn't split attraction. It was a guy claiming to be homosexual having sex only with women, and a guy claiming to be straight having sex only with men. And even if there was a claim that the guy claiming to be straight had romantic nonsexual relationships with women, and the guy claiming to be gay had romantic nonsexual relationships with men, I'd still be skeptical. A more likely suggestion would be they were just not admitting their real orientation to themselves or anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted November 17, 2017 Author Share Posted November 17, 2017 18 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: But it wasn't split attraction. It was a guy claiming to be homosexual having sex only with women, and a guy claiming to be straight having sex only with men. And even if there was a claim that the guy claiming to be straight had romantic nonsexual relationships with women, and the guy claiming to be gay had romantic nonsexual relationships with men, I'd still be skeptical. A more likely suggestion would be they were just not admitting their real orientation to themselves or anyone else. True. XD Though on AVEN this is usually where the "orientation vs. actions" debate starts. @__@ I agree with you though. That being said it seems like split attractions outside of ace things isn't that heard of. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 From what I understand of the split attraction model, it seems to be a neat logical academic conceptual scheme that I've never seen actually happen in real life, despite mixing professionally and socially with a wide enough cross section of orientations and genders that it really should've, if it existed. I can't conceive of someone only wanting to form a romantic relationship with one gender, and only wanting to have sex with the other. The nearest I've come across a guy very well established as gay who fell in love with a woman, married, had a kid, and continues to have other relationships with men. He's not even bi - his wife is a kind of one off, sexually speaking. I think the split attraction model assumes too much constancy - it's more that bi or pan people have relationships that may or may not involve sex, and since most bi people lean in one or other direction sexually, they might tend to have sexual relationships more with one gender than the other. I'm very suspicious of putting people into neat logical boxes, in general. People don't behave or feel in a neat or logical manner. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowstepper Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: Does anyone else take those two men's claims about their orientations seriously? I don't. You don't have to take them seriously. They don't care what you, or I, think. The first guy, when ever I would see him it was with his boyfriend. The boyfriend confirmed (complained) that he wouldn't have sex with him. The second guy has been married for a few years now to a woman and they have a kid. I didn't say it makes sense, I just said it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 I'm sure they don't care. Does anyone take them seriously though? Link to post Share on other sites
Pramana Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 Lisa Diamond (probably the most well known author on the split attraction model) argues that the capacities for sexual and romantic attraction have different evolutionary origins, involve different parts of the brain, and can be experienced separately. But in practice she thinks that one tends to follow the other, so where romantic attraction develops first in an enduring relationship there's a good chance that sexual attraction will eventually follow, and vice versa, provided the person has the capacity to experience both types of attraction. I think that's probably why the split attraction model is more operative in practice in the asexual/aromantic community, because if you lack the capacity to experience sexual attraction in the first place then romantic attraction can't lead to it, and vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
m4rble Posted November 17, 2017 Share Posted November 17, 2017 1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said: From what I understand of the split attraction model, it seems to be a neat logical academic conceptual scheme that I've never seen actually happen in real life, despite mixing professionally and socially with a wide enough cross section of orientations and genders that it really should've, if it existed. I can't conceive of someone only wanting to form a romantic relationship with one gender, and only wanting to have sex with the other. The nearest I've come across a guy very well established as gay who fell in love with a woman, married, had a kid, and continues to have other relationships with men. He's not even bi - his wife is a kind of one off, sexually speaking. I think the split attraction model assumes too much constancy - it's more that bi or pan people have relationships that may or may not involve sex, and since most bi people lean in one or other direction sexually, they might tend to have sexual relationships more with one gender than the other. I'm very suspicious of putting people into neat logical boxes, in general. People don't behave or feel in a neat or logical manner. I think it is more common for people to be bisexual but only form romantic relationships with one gender though. I've heard of several independent instances of this happening. It seems less common to have a cross orientation, such as heterosexual homoromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 While they might not use the terms " "-romantic, " "-sexual, I think there are many people who feel a split attraction. The only thing is, if one of the orientations is bi and the other not, (or one is homo and one is hetero--I've knowns a few people who have described this), they are more likely to just identify as "bisexual" because there is some attraction to two genders, even if not to the same degree. Link to post Share on other sites
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