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Ace's who have sex


AussieIsAce

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the definition of asexuality is "not being sexual attracted to anyone" but should we expand this definition? 

are ace people who enjoy sex less ace? 

if youre ace and enjoy sex how can you not seek it/want it? 

if youre ace and have sex is there a reason you do?

if youre ace and dont have sex is it because youre ace or something else? 

 

im really curious about what people will say. id love to further my understanding of how aces and sex works in there lives. 

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Asexuals can have sex in order to have children or to compromise in a mixed relationship but they do not seek it out for their own pleasure. Some might enjoy sex while having it but would still rather not have it, generally I guess they don't find the activity worth it. 

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I hate sex, but do it for my SO because I love them and they need it. 

 

I don't enjoy it, but I imagine some see sex like a massage, and don't really hate it, despite not experiencing attraction. You can enjoy something and not desire to do it.

 

M4rble has some good points too.

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NerotheReaper

As the above posts said, some asexual people have sex for their partner. In a relationship it is good to try to make sure you meet your partner's needs. So an asexual and sexual might have sex a few times, keeping the times low for the asexual but still doing it for the sexual to be happy. That is probably one of the more common reasons. 

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Shadowstepper
33 minutes ago, miettaisace said:

 

if youre ace and have sex is there a reason you do?

 

My wife loves sex. While I have no desire for sex, I do not have any particular aversion to sex. I don't really see it as a compromise, or anything I should view as negative toward me, just something that I do as part of the relationship.

 

I don't like to go clothes shopping with my wife, but I go because she wants me to. Its all part of the deal.

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Galactic Turtle
52 minutes ago, miettaisace said:

if youre ace and dont have sex is it because youre ace or something else? 

I don't have sex because I don't want to have sex. I also happen to be asexual. :P

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are ace people who enjoy sex less ace? 

Nah. In my opinion you're either ace or you're not... there's no such thing as "more" or "less" ace.

 

if youre ace and enjoy sex how can you not seek it/want it? 

Ok so I try to explain it like this - I enjoy eating red velvet cake when I'm eating it, but I don't ever buy or make it myself and never really order it out of the choices that are there. If someone offers me red velvet cake and it'd be rude to refuse, I'll take it and eat it and it'll be quite nice - but I'd be quite happy never eating it again and I wouldn't ever eat it unless it's right there in front of me and then I'm just like, eh, okay, I guess I may as well since it's probably more effort to refuse it.

 

Some people really love red velvet cake and don't really get why I would never order it if I like it and have the chance to eat it. Some other people think it's just gross and wonder why I can enjoy it. I dunno. Red velvet's mostly okay - and sometimes if it's made really well it's really nice... but most of the time it's just meh.

 

if youre ace and have sex is there a reason you do?

Cos my partner considers it a positive experience that brings us closer together. I don't really get it but sure, sometimes it's more effort to say no, and it's not terrible to make someone you care about happy once and a while.

 

if youre ace and dont have sex is it because youre ace or something else? 

I think it's mostly because you're ace and if you're ace you have no inherent internal motivation to have sex. If you have no motivation to do it you won't bother to do it - but some people might have an external motivation -- and that doesn't make their aceness any less.

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thanks everyone for informing me i just have two more questions.

 

having sex to please someone, do you ever feel like if you didnt have sex they wouldnt want to date you anymore?

 

would you rather have a relationship that didnt involve sex at all, or do you require it to show love towards someone? 

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31 minutes ago, miettaisace said:

thanks everyone for informing me i just have two more questions.

 

having sex to please someone, do you ever feel like if you didnt have sex they wouldnt want to date you anymore?

 

would you rather have a relationship that didnt involve sex at all, or do you require it to show love towards someone? 

If you required sex to show love to someone I'm not sure how the label, "asexual" would be useful to you. 

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1 hour ago, miettaisace said:

having sex to please someone, do you ever feel like if you didnt have sex they wouldnt want to date you anymore?

 

would you rather have a relationship that didnt involve sex at all, or do you require it to show love towards someone? 

Surely you can figure out the answer to the first question.  And if you're talking about asexuals, the second question also.

 

Asexuals don't want sex for itself.  

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I have been single my whole life, never had any desire or sex drive, but if by some twist of fate I ended up partnered with a nice lady who wanted sex, I'd happily provide it as a favor weekly.  I'm not repulsed, and it wouldn't be uncomfortable, it's just that there are 100 things I'd rather be doing.  I would get frustrated if she were to require sex every day, or multiple times a day, and would end the relationship.

 

I lean toward aromantic so don't see the situation ever arising, but keep the door open for a hetroromantic relationship.

 

I would obviously prefer a relationship with another asexual.

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11 hours ago, m4rble said:

If you required sex to show love to someone I'm not sure how the label, "asexual" would be useful to you. 

i dont, i dont require sex for love. 

 

im not sexually attracted to anyone thats why im ace. im also an ace person who wil never have sex im just really confused by how if you say your ace you can enjoy having sex..like that doesnt work in my head. thats why i was asking all the questions. i get it better now. 

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21 hours ago, Ciri said:

It’s literally nobodies business what I enjoy in bed.

 

Theres your answer. 

Nobody was discussing you in person, afaict. If you didn't intend to contribute to the discussion, why did you post here in the first place? Is there something in the questions that offended you? Or is this some kind of alpha nerding?

https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2012-07-12

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Shadowstepper
7 hours ago, miettaisace said:

i dont, i dont require sex for love. 

 

im not sexually attracted to anyone thats why im ace. im also an ace person who wil never have sex im just really confused by how if you say your ace you can enjoy having sex..like that doesnt work in my head. thats why i was asking all the questions. i get it better now. 

Because wanting and enjoying are 2 different things. 

 

I don't want sex and I'm not sexually attracted to people. However, my body does find certain sexual acts as pleasurable. I won't seek  them out, but if they happen as a part of my relationship, I might as well enjoy the sensations. 

 

I like food analogies for this type of stuff: I don't eat steak. I have never ordered a steak at a restaurant. I have never cooked a steak. There are no circumstances where I would choose a steak. However, at a cookout, a steak was presented to me as that was the host's choice of food. I'm  not vegetarian or anything, so I ate the steak. It was good. I enjoyed it. After enjoying that steak, I still DON'T want a steak. I will still NOT order a steak at a restaurant. There are still no circumstances where I would choose a steak. 

 

I ate  a steak out of courtesy, enjoyed it, and continued on with my life not wanting a steak. 

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2 hours ago, Shadowstepper said:

Because wanting and enjoying are 2 different things. 

 

I don't want sex and I'm not sexually attracted to people. However, my body does find certain sexual acts as pleasurable. I won't seek  them out, but if they happen as a part of my relationship, I might as well enjoy the sensations. 

 

I like food analogies for this type of stuff: I don't eat steak. I have never ordered a steak at a restaurant. I have never cooked a steak. There are no circumstances where I would choose a steak. However, at a cookout, a steak was presented to me as that was the host's choice of food. I'm  not vegetarian or anything, so I ate the steak. It was good. I enjoyed it. After enjoying that steak, I still DON'T want a steak. I will still NOT order a steak at a restaurant. There are still no circumstances where I would choose a steak. 

 

I ate  a steak out of courtesy, enjoyed it, and continued on with my life not wanting a steak. 

the part that gets me is if i enjoy something ill want it.

the fact that ace's say i enjoy sex but dont crave it doesnt make sense in my head. i understand that you can be ace and have sex but enjoy it doesnt work in my mind. 

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On 11/17/2017 at 5:32 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

I don't have sex because I don't want to have sex. I also happen to be asexual. :P

You're my hero :P

 

22 hours ago, Sally said:

Asexuals don't want sex for itself.  

I would be inclined to disagree with that being an absolute statement applying universally to all asexuals everywhere. I'm of the opinion that asexuals can absolutely want sex because it feels good and they enjoy it; their lack of sexual attraction doesn't necessarily preclude their being able to want/enjoy sex. It just depends on the individual.

 

I'm not speaking from experience though, it's just something that makes sense in my head. I may be wrong: that happened once back in 2003 ;) 

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I could see why an asexual could still enjoy sex. Like the food analogies above, you may like something, but just not go out of your way to get it.

 

On November 17, 2017 at 8:38 AM, miettaisace said:

if youre ace and dont have sex is it because youre ace or something else? 

I'm not 100% sure whether I'm asexual or someone who falls under the gray definition of "experiences sexual attraction but not enough to act on it", but either way I just don't want sex and will likely die a virgin. I'm a solitary person who prefers being single, so I've never had to compromise. I suspect I'd be repulsed if I actually tried it anyway.

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Janus the Fox

I don't enjoy sex at the same level as the boyfriend, but is more of an extension of physical pleasure for me, rather than anything else, the fetish component allows a more intense orgasmic pleasure about the same level of private masturbation.

 

It is fully for the partners benefit and my romantic development, sex is still an optional component for me.

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Shadowstepper
On 11/18/2017 at 7:17 PM, miettaisace said:

the part that gets me is if i enjoy something ill want it.

the fact that ace's say i enjoy sex but dont crave it doesnt make sense in my head. i understand that you can be ace and have sex but enjoy it doesnt work in my mind. 

I think the disconnect here is how you are taking the word "enjoy" 

 

It seems as though you are assuming maximum enjoyment and thus the desire for more, where I see it closer to how I treat a cup of coffee. I "enjoy" coffee, but realistically only have a cup once  every few years, if even that often, despite the fact I could have it multiple times a day if I wanted. I don't want coffee, even though I find it enjoyable. 

 

My body typically responds favorably to sexual acts, not always and not all acts, but typically. I can enjoy these favorable responses, as opposed to it being painful or repulsive. However these sensations are not life changing,  always-gotta-have-it levels of pleasure and enjoyment. 

 

Green tea is another good example. The first time I had hot green tea, I enjoyed it, but not to the point that I had a desire for more, and I've never had another cup in the 15 years since. 

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Personally, I love mental, emotional, and physical intimacy. As far as physical intimacy, I like hugs, kissing, and cuddling as far as the dating realm. I don't think sex is necessary for a great relationship. I think sex is a want rather than a need. To associate true love with sex, or even base it on sex, would be like saying the aroma of a cake depends on it's frosting color.

I don't desire sex as I don't have that attraction or intimacy need.

If it is required for me to have sex in order to satisfy my partner, then count me out.

That's my POV.

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10 minutes ago, Only Afloat said:

To associate true love with sex, or even base it on sex, would be like saying the aroma of a cake depends on it's frosting color.

I'm a little scared by how much sense that comparison makes.

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everywhere and nowhere
On 17.11.2017 at 6:32 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

I don't have sex because I don't want to have sex. I also happen to be asexual. :P

Similar for me. It almost looks like mathematical logic:

A = I don't have sex

B = I don't want to have sex

C = I identify as asexual

For me A results from B and C results from B, but it doesn't mean that A results from C.

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On 11/18/2017 at 2:13 AM, miettaisace said:

thanks everyone for informing me i just have two more questions.

 

having sex to please someone, do you ever feel like if you didnt have sex they wouldnt want to date you anymore?

 

would you rather have a relationship that didnt involve sex at all, or do you require it to show love towards someone? 

having sex to please someone, do you ever feel like if you didnt have sex they wouldnt want to date you anymore?

I have asked this question and I know that my partner would still want to date me. They'd just be sad a lot of the time and they would inherently feel as though I didn't want to date them and that something in our relationship was missing, even though they know logically that I do still love them. Perhaps they would have to break up with me if I stopped compromising, and I don't know if that is something I will have to do, but we won't cross that bridge unless we get there. I'm sure that even if we have to break up over this, we will most likely still love and care about each other in some way.

 

would you rather have a relationship that didnt involve sex at all, or do you require it to show love towards someone? 

Lol of course I'd rather have a relationship that didn't involve sex at all. People who are not asexual associate sex with the feeling of being loved and loving someone else  - so many of them do require it, whether they realise it or not. I'm not sure why someone would find the label 'asexual' useful if they require sex to show love.

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On 11/19/2017 at 1:17 PM, miettaisace said:

the part that gets me is if i enjoy something ill want it.

the fact that ace's say i enjoy sex but dont crave it doesnt make sense in my head. i understand that you can be ace and have sex but enjoy it doesnt work in my mind. 

Sometimes (well, often) when people say this, they're actually confused about how normal sexual people feel. Like, I definitely enjoy sex.. but I don't crave it at all. However, I enjoy it to the extent I'd choose to have it for my own pleasure under some circumstances, therefore I'm not asexual and that's all there is to it.

 

Some people who ID as asexual say they love having sex but only with an emotional bond, or they're happy to go without it even though they love it under the right circumstances etc.. That's actually all very normal sexual behavior, so those people are just confused about normal sexual people.

 

However (slight TMI) some people can orgasm from sex even if they don't really want it themselves. Even some women who are raped can orgasm during the attack even though they hate the sex. So, looked at like that, you can see how someone can be fully asexual and give their partner sex to make their partner happy, and may actually experience pleasurable sensations during the sex even though they themselves don't want it for their own pleasure and would be happiest without it. So in those cases I can understand how an asexual would say 'I enjoy sex' though it's more like 'I enjoy the feelings of sex when I have it, though I'm certainly happiest without it and only have it cause my partner would leave me if I didn't give them sex'.

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the part that gets me is if i enjoy something ill want it.

Yeah, for most people they go hand in hand, kind of like sex and love in general, but they are not inherently so.

 

The steak analogy is pretty much spot on.  It's pretty much how I feel about cupcakes.  They're alright, I can enjoy them if they're what's presented at a party or something, but I will never want or crave cupcakes.  They are not my preferred pastry/sweet.  I'll always prefer an actual cake.

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To associate true love with sex, or even base it on sex, would be like saying the aroma of a cake depends on it's frosting color.

 

To a sexual person, sex is the egg in the pastry. 

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