Aro Ace Relationship Issues

[Hunter of ArtemACE]

So I have identified as asexual for a while now, I'm not even sure how long anymore. And now I am in my first serious relationship ever. We have kissed and I am even more sure about my asexuality now, but I haven't told my partner. The thing is, I am also starting to think I might be aromantic as well. This is something that is confusing and scary to me. I have always liked romance in books and such and I always wanted to fall in love and get married and have a family. Now I am not sure. I think some part of me still wants those things and I am afraid I will never be able to have them. But another part of me just wants to be able to be my own person, have kids on my own, and be able to raise them the way I think is best. But I don't want to break up with my boyfriend because of this, I am still very unsure of what I want. Our relationship is semi long distance, we go to college three hours away from each other. This morning he texted me and said that he got asked on a date by another girl and he didn't know what to tell her. That he wasn't sure we were still dating and he wanted to know what I thought. My first response was to be angry because if someone asked me on a date right now I would say, "I have a boyfriend". But we never had that official boyfriend/girlfriend talk so I understand, I just think if he really wanted to be dating me he would have known what to say, official or not. And the thing is, I wouldn't have kissed him if I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. But now I'm starting to doubt that he feels the same way. This feels like a good time to bring up my asexuality and possible aromanticism but I don't know. I am still exploring it myself and I feel kind of like if I don't tell him now and then I do later he'll be like, "Where was this when we were having that conversation about our relationship?". I could just really use some advice from some other aro ace people please. 

[Yatagarasu]

I know what you are talking about. I may not be the best person to give advice, since I am myself emotionally retarded and I needed time to fully understand what a relationship really is from my personal point of view, but I think that you need to talk with your partner about your relationship whatsoever. What it is to him, how he perceives love and whatnot. You also need to figure out how understanding he is. You also ought to point your own needs out. I'm not an expert, but I think that people should learn themselves when they want to spend their lives together. 

 

In my case, multiple conversations with my partner really helped me figure everything out. I'm very open with my needs/concerns as I always speak my mind and I told him to be open too. He turned out really understanding and patient with me being slow with romance and my inabilities and he genuinely loves me regardless.

 

I wish you a happy ending though!

[NotPhoebe]

I can really strongly relate to this. The older I get (only 21, but still) the more I realize my lack of interest in sex or romance once I get involved in some sort of relationship. Ideally I imagine myself being able to maintain a true intimate relationship with a partner, but whenever I attempt to I not only find myself being uncomfortable with the physical aspects but the romantic aspects as well. This has always confused me being that what I think I may like is very different from what I actually like. I like you have chosen to attempt relationships with someone I liked, but found myself still feeling uncomfortable. I'm still exploring this side of me, and am still unsure how to apply this to my current relationship. I know the improvement I've made is telling the most resent person I am seeing that I am not someone who is sexual. I didn't use the term asexual, I only said that I was not sexual. So far it's been going well, I haven't gotten any pressure from this person, but I still find myself questioning if I even want a real relationship with them in a romantic way. Since I think I am as equally as lost on this subject as you, the best advice I can give is to tell your partner your lack of interest in sex. That will be the first step in exploring how this relationship and your possible future relationships can work. If you choose to go without relationships than that is perfectly valid as well. 

[Zyden]

It might be rather unfair on him not to start an open dialogue about this. 

 

The 'other woman' might just be his clumsy way of trying to start the conversation, and the signals you're sending him might not be as clear as you thought. Most allo men enjoy constant reassurance of their relationship; it's quite normal, but might feel over the top or obsessive to an ace.

 

But going back to my original point: it's best to be open and kind. Ask him what he wants or expects from this relationship. Can you find middle ground? Tell him your needs. Are his needs and expectations too much? It's a lot for one conversation, so maybe agree to talk it out over a few days.