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Shadowstepper

Officially Introducing Myself

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Shadowstepper

I've been posting for a couple days now, and lurking the forum for a couple weeks, so I figured it was time I actually did the "hi, I'm new here" thing.

 

For as long as I can remember, I've not been attracted to people. I always thought it was inexperience or my shyness and general tendency to keep my distance from people.

 

As I became more sexually aware, the feelings of not being attracted to people never changed. Beyond that, I couldn't wrap my head around the concept of people having sex for fun. Like, how is it possible for someone to cheat on their spouse and then go back to them? Isn't sex supposed to be an expression of love between a couple? Or simply to have kids? Why would someone do it for any other reason?

 

I eventually left home and joined the military. Pretty early on, I was approached by a girl in one of my training classes. She said she was mesmerized by my green eyes, and she set out to do as much with me over the following weeks as she could, with her end goal of getting me into bed. By the end of those weeks, I still had no interest in having sex with her, but I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. This fit my understand of what sex was supposed to be: an expression of love. So I had my first sexual experience. After all the hype, I just felt...nothing.

 

But she enjoyed it. That's what mattered to me. And that's all that mattered to me for the next 16 years. She wanted it, I gave it to her. I wanted to please her any way I could, and I was fulfilled by her having her pleasure. But in that, there were things I had to push through. In addition to not getting any particular pleasure from sex, I couldn't stand for her to touch me. Any touching that didn't involve genitalia sent me into a near panic attack and would cause me to retreat. It took 4 or 5 years before I would let her touch me with her hands during sex.

 

Fast forward to recent times. My wife has never hidden the fact that she is bisexual, but has now taken on a more or less full time girlfriend. I've never had an issue with this, and still don't. However, in her grand plan, she wants sexual interactions to be between the 3 of us, and not just individual pairings. Every man dreams of having 2 women in bed with him right?

 

When we try to make this happen, the girlfriend goes to rub my side and I freak out. Full on run from the room and lock myself in the bathroom. In that breakdown, the tolerance I'd apparently built up to my wife touching me is now gone as well, and for the next few weeks I am back to not being able to let her touch me either.

 

Something is wrong. I've always maintained that I didn't find people attractive, but combined with the not wanting to be touched, then clearly something must be wrong with me, right?

 

So I hope on the google. Surely there is some medical condition or repressed psychological event that makes me this way. And then I click on this link that has word for word how I feel. Almost as if I wrote the text myself. And I find myself on a pretty purple and white website with one word that stands out above all the others: Asexual.

 

This can't be right, can it? I sit and think for days. I come back to the website and read, then I sit and think. By Friday night I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's late and I've had way more to drink at my buddy's house that I should have when he asks me whats wrong. I start to tell him how I feel, the not wanting to be touched, the not being sexually attracted to people. Before I can finish, he stops me and says "it sounds to me like you might be asexual". He had done a lot of research earlier in the year when his daughter came out to him as pansexual, and felt the me being asexual made perfect sense to him.

 

I was still torn about it for a while after that though. Am I supposed to tell people now? I tearfully reveal this all to my wife, making sure to point out that I've always claimed I wasn't attracted to people like everyone else was. She immediately dismissed it as me being "extremely monogamous".

 

Our divorce will be finalized soon, other matters drove us apart, but I have found a couple people that have been extremely supportive of me in all this, and that is all I really need.

 

And of course now I have this place and all of you lovely people.

 

That was very much more long-winded that I had planned.

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TheAngel(of)Peace

Welcome! :) I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out, but glad that you have found supportive people.

 

Image result for most tasty cake

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Seajules

I know I just replied to you in another thread, but wow, can I relate to this so much.  I'm very sorry you went through all of that, and that you're going through a divorce now.  Despite the relief of no longer having the pressure on me to try to fulfill someone else's sexual desires, I still found my divorce extremely traumatic, and I was sad to lose the relationship that I at least thought I'd had with my husband for fourteen years.  I hope yours is going through with minimal heartache, but I commiserate either way.  And welcome to AVEN! :cake:  I hope you find the support and comfort here that I do.

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bonny

I am sad to hear that things in your relationship ended in such difficulties, but I thank you for sharing your story. 

 

Welcome to AVEN.  :cake:  

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Catsiel

Hi there, I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I've kind of been through something similar but it was more of me not being able to touch my partner or want to be touched myself. I've slowly gotten used to being touched but it's still very hard for me to touch others. I actually go into a full-blown panic attack and have to shut myself away which leaves me feeling pretty bad. It sucks when you have non-understanding partners so I feel for you. I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out but I'm sure you'll find your person!

 

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Lichley

Welcome! You're friend is really educated, and he clearly supports you a lot, they sound like a good friend. You'll get through this, it will take time, but you'll find someone soon, maybe even another asexual? Take your time and don't rush things. :) 

 

Purple-Ombre-Layer-Cake-4.jpg

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.Lia

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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mari

Im sorry about your divorce,and welcome here.

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mari
On 17/11/2017 at 11:42 AM, Shadowstepper said:

I've been posting for a couple days now, and lurking the forum for a couple weeks, so I figured it was time I actually did the "hi, I'm new here" thing.

 

For as long as I can remember, I've not been attracted to people. I always thought it was inexperience or my shyness and general tendency to keep my distance from people.

 

As I became more sexually aware, the feelings of not being attracted to people never changed. Beyond that, I couldn't wrap my head around the concept of people having sex for fun. Like, how is it possible for someone to cheat on their spouse and then go back to them? Isn't sex supposed to be an expression of love between a couple? Or simply to have kids? Why would someone do it for any other reason?

 

I eventually left home and joined the military. Pretty early on, I was approached by a girl in one of my training classes. She said she was mesmerized by my green eyes, and she set out to do as much with me over the following weeks as she could, with her end goal of getting me into bed. By the end of those weeks, I still had no interest in having sex with her, but I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. This fit my understand of what sex was supposed to be: an expression of love. So I had my first sexual experience. After all the hype, I just felt...nothing.

 

But she enjoyed it. That's what mattered to me. And that's all that mattered to me for the next 16 years. She wanted it, I gave it to her. I wanted to please her any way I could, and I was fulfilled by her having her pleasure. But in that, there were things I had to push through. In addition to not getting any particular pleasure from sex, I couldn't stand for her to touch me. Any touching that didn't involve genitalia sent me into a near panic attack and would cause me to retreat. It took 4 or 5 years before I would let her touch me with her hands during sex.

 

Fast forward to recent times. My wife has never hidden the fact that she is bisexual, but has now taken on a more or less full time girlfriend. I've never had an issue with this, and still don't. However, in her grand plan, she wants sexual interactions to be between the 3 of us, and not just individual pairings. Every man dreams of having 2 women in bed with him right?

 

When we try to make this happen, the girlfriend goes to rub my side and I freak out. Full on run from the room and lock myself in the bathroom. In that breakdown, the tolerance I'd apparently built up to my wife touching me is now gone as well, and for the next few weeks I am back to not being able to let her touch me either.

 

Something is wrong. I've always maintained that I didn't find people attractive, but combined with the not wanting to be touched, then clearly something must be wrong with me, right?

 

So I hope on the google. Surely there is some medical condition or repressed psychological event that makes me this way. And then I click on this link that has word for word how I feel. Almost as if I wrote the text myself. And I find myself on a pretty purple and white website with one word that stands out above all the others: Asexual.

 

This can't be right, can it? I sit and think for days. I come back to the website and read, then I sit and think. By Friday night I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's late and I've had way more to drink at my buddy's house that I should have when he asks me whats wrong. I start to tell him how I feel, the not wanting to be touched, the not being sexually attracted to people. Before I can finish, he stops me and says "it sounds to me like you might be asexual". He had done a lot of research earlier in the year when his daughter came out to him as pansexual, and felt the me being asexual made perfect sense to him.

 

I was still torn about it for a while after that though. Am I supposed to tell people now? I tearfully reveal this all to my wife, making sure to point out that I've always claimed I wasn't attracted to people like everyone else was. She immediately dismissed it as me being "extremely monogamous".

 

Our divorce will be finalized soon, other matters drove us apart, but I have found a couple people that have been extremely supportive of me in all this, and that is all I really need.

 

And of course now I have this place and all of you lovely people.

 

That was very much more long-winded that I had planned.

This make me feel sad, i feel touch as a way to give love, protection, care, caress, and that u cant recive it is what make me sad.

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