Uncertain about my sexuality

[Nothanksijustate]

Hey there, 

 

I’m a 23 year old male, and I’ve been struggling to pinpoint my sexuality. I’m not sure if my lack of enthusiasm for sex is part of my identity, or perhaps maybe I fall on the ACE spectrum. What I’m looking for is a starting point. 

 

I’ve for the most part considered myself to be straight. I’ve only ever had heterosexual hook-ups. When I see a women I’m attracted to, I notice. However, the urge to act on that attraction is missing. 

 

As I’ve gotten older, bisexuality has become something I’ve fantasized about, but never truly considered acting on. In all honesty, outside of masturbation (I masturbate to pornography regularly) I’ve never felt a desire to at all.

 

I’ve spent most of my life avoiding relationships, regardless of whether sex was involved or not. I made a choice when I was in middle school that it was best if I was alone. I was working through some mental health issues and I guess I just figured that it was best that way. When I finally moved in with friends last year at a college town during what would have been my senior year, I was presented with several opportunities to have sex. I never sought out these moments, but for whatever reason I let them happen. Part of it was due to drinking. Normally I’d just drop a girl off at her front door after walking them home, but for the first time in my life, I started saying yes more when a girl asked me to come up to their apartment. During the first few occasions, I was intoxicated, and was unable to perform. However, after becoming physically involved consistently with one girl, it became clear that whether drunk or sober, the problem was persisting. Despite the fact that we became increasingly involved romantically, sex just didn’t seem possible. Even after her constant reassurance and compassion, things never got better. 

 

I don’t know if I wanted to have sex with her because I actually wanted to, or because I thought it was the right thing to do in that situation. I’m unsure if maybe I just wanted to lose my virginity and have that weight lifted. Either way, she wanted to have sex with me, and I thought that regardless of the reason, I’d be lucky to try out sex with someone as understanding as her.

 

I know this might not be the place to be posting all this, but I’m here asking for help. There were many years where I preoccupied myself so I wouldn’t have a chance to face this. I ran from hookups (sometimes literally). I passed on opportunities to hook-up with both girls that I had met while out with friends and ones that I had come close with over time. On one occasion, I completely ruined an entire friendship with my high school crush when I asked her out years after I initially should have. I only did after an argument we had that resulted in her confessing that she cared for me. For the first time I felt a true romantic attraction to her, but it was far too late. I had known for years that she cared about me and that I cared about her but that feeling of actually wanting to be with someone didn’t “click” until that moment. 

 

I’m writing this because I want to be better. Not fixed or anything like that. I just want to be better to people in my life. I can’t be honest to the people I care about because frankly, I don’t know what truth to tell them. The girl who I wanted to lose my virginity to called me “detached.” She was drunk, and apologized the next morning. But in that moment, she meant it. I made someone who had been up front with their emotions feel like they were being used. And that was because I wasn’t up front about what’s going on with me. I didn’t know how to be. 

 

All I ask is that if anyone from this community has any advice they could spare, that’d be greatly appreciated. I don’t know how much of it is intimacy issues-related and/or if any of it could be contributed to uncertainties in my sexuality, but I think some perspective might help. Thanks. 

[RoseGoesToYale]

It sounds like you could be asexual or grey-asexual, but only you can decide what label best fits your sexuality, if any. There's also akoisexual (feeling sexual attraction that goes away once feelings are reciprocated, or having no desire for the feelings to be reciprocated) and fraysexual (sexual attraction that fades once you get to know the person). I would suggest reading about the different terms and others experiences and see if any of it makes sense. Of course, you're not required to label your sexuality. Everyone experiences it differently, sometimes it's one of those you have to reflect on for a while before it clicks.

 

Hope this helps! And welcome to AVEN! 

[sunmarsh]

From your first few paragraphs it sounds like you might be on the ace spectrum, but that shouldn't necessarily affect your sexual performance. Also, by this phrase 'unable to perform' are you saying you're unable to maintain an erection, or that you just don't feel right/comfortable engaging in the activity (or both)? If you don't have a problem with erections while masturbating, it would seem to me it is a sexytime issue rather than a physiology issue. Personally, I find I can't get an erection if I'm not romantically attracted to someone, but that doesn't seem to be relevant for you in this case.

 

Tbh, I would ask yourself- is sex something that is missing for you in your life? Is it a problem for you that is causing you distress? If sex isn't very important to you then I wouldn't consider this a big deal. However there are doctors, sex therapists etc. that can work with you on this if you feel you need it.

 

If you've never felt any sexual feelings towards others or thought about/wanted to engage in sexual acts with someone I would say that is pretty indicative of Asexuality, however that's something you ultimately need to decide for yourself if the label fits.