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I need some help from experts


LoStSouLs

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Let me start by saying I am sexual (though I've only been sexual with one partner.) And I am madly in love with a virgin asexual (possible aromantic), and is sex repulsed. We are 33, and 34 respectively, and I was in love with her way before she came out to me about it, and still in love with her after she said it. As I believe a relationship should never be based off of sex, and that it is up to each couple to agree on what they really desire from the relationship. I would be lying if I said that if given the chance to, that I wouldn't love to be able to have sex with her, but it would be up to her to tell me that she is comfortable with doing that. I would never force my desires onto her. As I care too much for her to do that.

 

However my question here, is how do I really even get her to be open to the idea of a relationship with a non asexual. As right now I am just her brothers roommate, who is named Les. Who she likes to watch old Doctor Who episodes with, and someone who is happy to watch anything that she is in the mood to watch. I confessed to her a few months back, asking her if there was anyway for us to be more than we currently are. And her response to me was that she didn't know, as she doesn't even know what her feelings are. And the next day she was avoiding me, and then slowly everything got back to a slight norm, except for the fact that it feels different than it used to when I am around her. I've always liked her, as I still remember the first time we met over a decade ago, and me thinking that she was very beautiful. I doubt that she remembers it as it wasn't all that important, just more memorable for me.

 

Fast forward to the recent years, I've only gotten to know, know her over the past year as I have to do my laundry where she lives as my apartment complex doesn't have good washers / dryers and she allows her brother / me to do our laundry there. I've talked to her off and on over the past 3 years, even asked her out on a date once, before I knew I loved her. Got devastated when she moved to Florida, excited when she moved back to Texas a year later. And then I finally fell in love with her a few months ago. She then told me about her asexuality about 2 months ago. And while slightly shocked, it then made a lot of sense. But it didn't stop my deep feelings for her. As I really would do anything for her, if she asked me to. As i just enjoy sitting next to her, being able to look at her enjoying things she likes. Laughing at the same things as her, and just generally being in the same room as her. She however is quite a huge introvert as well. And sometimes won't talk to, or respond to any type of communication. Sorta shutting herself off to the world, and just messes with what she wants. When she's like that I try to step back, and just let it play itself out, with just a few hellos, how are you, sorta things.

 

But I do have severe acute depression with horrible anxiety, so my insecurities and demons take over sometimes, and I feel like she hates me. Or doesn't want anything to do with me. Which then makes me go through solo crying spells where I feel that nobody wants or needs me. Which mixed with being madly in love with someone doesn't always end well. I've tried to drown out my feelings, tried to move on, tried to suppress the emotions. But it just takes her sitting next to me, or standing, and then us having a conversation for 3-4 hours about some story she is writing, or some idea that she has in her brain that makes me just love her so much more.

 

So in everyones thoughts, what do you think of my situation? Do you find me to be insensitive on the subject? Do you find my desires of a relationship to be wrong? I really would like to hear people opinions on it. By the way I'm Les, but I do go by Lost Souls all over the internet because I have always felt that I am a soul that is just drifting around waiting to be saved by someone.

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Hmmmm..... I'm no expert to love in the romantic and sexual sense, but with friendships I'd say I'm pretty good. Social person here.

 

1 hour ago, LoStSouLs said:

As i just enjoy sitting next to her, being able to look at her enjoying things she likes. Laughing at the same things as her, and just generally being in the same room as her. She however is quite a huge introvert as well. And sometimes won't talk to, or respond to any type of communication. Sorta shutting herself off to the world, and just messes with what she wants. When she's like that I try to step back, and just let it play itself out, with just a few hellos, how are you, sorta things.

Well, my experiences with Introverts tell me they are more internal than external thinking. I'll give you an example for my personal friendships:

 

I have a friend I made in my Aspie group that was a little... Stranger than the rest of us. I was the most vocal in the group as an extrovert and him? My polar opposite. -_-

 

Long story short, your love interest sounds A LOT like my introvert friend I know. Man of few words? Check. Sometimes won't respond or talk? Check. Anyway back on track... I had to learn how to connect with someone so... Opposite of me. So I made an effort to actually get to know him as a person. And in time, I learned he was more of a logical person than an emotional person. Me? Well, you get the idea. I learned when he opened up some things I'd rather not say other than how introverts like him work. He explained that he takes things in and internally keeps it in... Emotions, thoughts, what have you. He NEEDS time to trust someone enough to even WANT to reveal things better than simple gestures or words. we were having a bit of a struggle until I showed my MTG cards.  Turns in friendships having a shared interest works wonders! We played about 3 - 5 rounds... Me playing my simple one 60 card deck against one of his 3 - 5 decks. I mean this guy played Control, Aggro, and Combo LIKE A BOSS. He could predict my EVERY move simply from my body language. Introverts in my experiences are VERY observant people.

 

My advice? Just slowly start out as friends. Then if she trusts you enough to know you as a friend will take ANYTHING she reveals to you to the grave (I'm just assuming her personality is like this but I'm willing to be wrong. This is just from my experiences.), talk to her about this struggle you are having. Listen to what she tells you. Respect is a two way street, even in friendships. Respect her wishes and if she just wants to be friends, respect that wish.

 

Know that that is just my advice personally, but I tend to kinda suck at advice in RL... Hopefully this helps man. Just know this is just my personal opinion on what you should do, but ultimately, you decide. Hoped I helped.

 

- Achro

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If she is aromantic she might not be interested in a relationship, period .. but regardless it doesn't sound like she is interested in you romantically if she has declined your offers of dates and she knows your feelings and doesn't return them. 

 

It sucks to have unrequited love but it happens. Unfortunately it's hard to get over if you still have to be around the person. 

 

I'd say just be her friend and she knows how you feel so if she ever wants more, she can bring it up. Or distance yourself and see if that helps your feelings to go away. 

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Thank you all very much for the replies. I do hope that I can become much closer to her given time. The hard part is just actually hiding the feelings when I am around her. @_@

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sometimes the answer is to think around the problem. If she likes books, slip a little note in it. If she likes rollerskating, ask her if she'd like to rollerskate with you and a few close friends. Slowly show her how much you love and respect her, that you'd do anything for her, and add a little extra creativity in your efforts to pique her interest in your personality.

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