• Announcements

    • Kelly

      New Team members Needed--Moderator, Project Team, and Declass Team: Voting   12/10/13

      See:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164659-new-declass-team-member-needed-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164657-new-moderator-member-needed-qa-co-mod-and-world-watch-mod-voting/   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/164656-new-project-team-member-needed-resources-and-education-director-voting/  
    • Kelly

      AVENues Holiday Special Edition is now live   08/17/17

      The new edition of AVENues is done!   See:        
    • Lady Girl

      Ace Community Census   11/06/17

      It’s time for the 2017 Ace Community Census!   see:   http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/162675-announcing-the-2017-ace-community-census/  
    • Heart

      Help fund AVEN's servers!   11/06/17

      AVEN is doing its annual fundraiser to raise donations for server costs! See http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/163251-aven-server-fundraiser/ for more details.  
Pammy

Married to asexual but sexual

Recommended Posts

Pammy

I am married to a man I dearly love and have put my sexuality aside for our marriage. I would like to have a sexual relationship but not lose or hurt my marriage of many years. I have been learning about polygamous relationships but have no idea how to approach this with my husband. How do you have this conversation? My husband owns that he isn’t sexual but doesn’t identify as asexual. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TheAngel(of)Peace

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Demiheart

Dear Pammy,

 

That sounds like a difficult conversation to have, I would start by sitting down to have an honest, considerate but frank discussion with your Husband about your needs and how they are perhaps not being met currently. I wouldn't immediately bring up polygamous relationships, but see how broaching the topic goes, and how he feels about it. Best of luck.

 

-Demi.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lady Girl

I agree with Demiheart. Just start with a conversation about the situation and how it’s making you feel. Maybe even ask him if he has any ideas for alleviating the differences in your needs and how they can be met.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty

@Valentine18 has a thread where she asked something similar. You might want to look through that. It is here: 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JilJon

Hi Pammy,

I feel for you...  I'm in a similar situation.  Every time I try to discuss the subject with my partner, he now just goes blank and doesn't respond.  In the end, there is no answer for me.  I feel very hurt and very alone.  For many years he responded with aggression or the standard response of 'if you don't like it, you can leave'.  This was so traumatic and has meant I cannot discuss the subject with him.  So, here we are, constantly under a cloud.  He has 100% what he is comfortable with (no sex or intimacy) and I have 100% what I'm not comfortable with (no sex or intimacy).  I live in a state of pain every day but can't do anything about it.  He doesn't feel my pain at all so we are at complete odds on this subject.  I don't know what it is like for you, whether you are able to discuss the subject with your Husband.  If he is willing to discuss it, then I think you will need to know exactly what you want to say and ask him to participate in the conversation fairly and with compassion for you and your feelings .. as you no doubt will approach the conversation with him. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Treesarepretty
1 hour ago, JilJon said:

Hi Pammy,

I feel for you...  I'm in a similar situation.  Every time I try to discuss the subject with my partner, he now just goes blank and doesn't respond.  In the end, there is no answer for me.  I feel very hurt and very alone.  For many years he responded with aggression or the standard response of 'if you don't like it, you can leave'.  This was so traumatic and has meant I cannot discuss the subject with him.  So, here we are, constantly under a cloud.  He has 100% what he is comfortable with (no sex or intimacy) and I have 100% what I'm not comfortable with (no sex or intimacy).  I live in a state of pain every day but can't do anything about it.  He doesn't feel my pain at all so we are at complete odds on this subject.  I don't know what it is like for you, whether you are able to discuss the subject with your Husband.  If he is willing to discuss it, then I think you will need to know exactly what you want to say and ask him to participate in the conversation fairly and with compassion for you and your feelings .. as you no doubt will approach the conversation with him. 

What an asshole. I don't know what to tell you, but I can't imagine that you should have to put up with this. Have you tried telling him that you are "in pain every day" using those words? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, JilJon! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

15 hours ago, JilJon said:

Every time I try to discuss the subject with my partner, he now just goes blank and doesn't respond.

Refusal of communication means it's no longer a relationship. You're on your own. You can make some attempts to rekindle the communication. But if your partner refuses to even discuss what's bothering you, then it isn't a partner anymore. Sooner or later, you should accept his offer...

 

15 hours ago, JilJon said:

'if you don't like it, you can leave'

...and find a more suitable/compatible partner.

 

All the best to you! :cake:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now