how to respond to friend's response to my coming out

[hello fellow humans]

Hi everyone. This is probably gonna be a long post because it's been a long day, and a lot of stuff happened. I've been a lurker on r/asexuality and here for a while now, and just made an account to post cause I'd like some advice and help. 

 

I've discovered I'm ace for about 1 - 2 months now, and I think I might be aro... If I'm not aro, then I'm biromantic. 

 

My parents and I were talking about relationships and joking about having a ton of grandkids or a child who ate a lot, and my mom was talking about how important it is to find a good husband, because it's not easy to change husbands, and how you have to live with them for like the rest of your life. She told me to tell them if I ever got a boyfriend, because they aren't one to pry or constantly ask. I said yeah, but I was thinking about how I probably wouldn't ever get a boyfriend. They want grandkids. I know they do. And it was the first time in my life that I felt pressured to find myself a boyfriend. 

 

My parents are super chill. They support gay marriage. I think they might also be on the ace spectrum too...? Since my mom has made many remarks about how Grey's Anatomy makes it seem like sex is super important & the characters act like animals when they start banging in the middle of work. Also, they don't really kiss. I've never seen them kiss that much ever since I was a kid.

 

I was pretty sad after the talk. How do I deal with this pressure to get a boyfriend? I've never been in a relationship. I don't think I could get in a relationship with anyone (even a QPR, which sounds lovely btw). There just isn't anyone I'm close enough to want to be in a relationship with. I don't really want a boyfriend, especially if he's going to be all hetero-normative, cause then he'll probably want sex and I don't want to have sex with anyone. Also, I don't like anyone, so it's not like I could even try to get in a relationship with anyone, and no one likes me. No one has asked me out and I'm a sophomore in college. And if I am aro, then... well, I won't ever have a crush on anyone or want to be in a romantic relationship with anyone. 

 

It really bothers me, because I don't want to disappoint my parents. And I know if I told them about being ace and not wanting to get married and not wanting kids, they'd probably accept me (especially if I cry), and tell me that they don't care. But no matter what they say, they're probably going to be just a tiny bit disappointed that I won't be getting married or having grandkids. 

 

There's also the fact that I'm a woman. So when I get older and older, I'm probably gonna get more crap about being single and not popping kids out left and right or getting married. It really sucks that single men are accepted in our society, but single women, once they reach a particular age, are hated on. 

 

This led to me chatting with a close friend of mine. I told him I wanted to discuss something with him in person (the above stuff that happened with my parents). He asked me what it was so I told him a bit (and about how I was ace; I'd told him before that I was suspecting it), which led to him guessing/figuring out what had happened. He talked about how "it's around the time" that I got a guy, and that my parents "want to have grandkids you know." And this really upset me because yeah, that's right, and I went and cried in a corner for like 10 minutes and was kinda pissed at him. Then I went and looked at what else he said, and it was: "You haven't found someone yet you know." And how that was fine and how it made sense that I had high expectations lalalala I'm sure you can guess the rest. 

 

LIKE OH MY GOD!!! *bangs head on table and cries angrily* I refused to look at the other crap he'd written. It just made me really upset. He also talked about how I was probably just scared to be in a relationship because I'd never been in one before and how sex and "physical" stuff does stuff to people mentally, "especially for girls" he said.

 

OH MY F***ing GOD!!!

 

Anyway, I'm just really upset that he responded to my asexuality this way. When I told him I was bi (when I thought I was bi), he was totally okay with it. But this is how he responds to asexuality? I don't know how to reply to him. Should I explain why what he said was wrong? Should I just say, "Let's not talk abut this again. I don't want to talk about this with you again." I'm pretty sure (at least I'd like to believe) that he said those things with good intentions, like a reassurance or something, and it was just pure ignorance. Should I educate him on asexuality? 

 

And because of his response, it makes me really scared to come out to my other close friends and my family.

 

TL;DR:

1. How do you deal with pressure from parents to get a boyfriend?

2. How do you respond to a friend who said, "You haven't found someone yet" (and in a really patronizing way)?

 

Thank you so much. ;^; Thank you if you read it all. I wish no other aces had to experience this dumb crap cause God it's awful...

[dianaisace]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

First of all: a boyfriend isn't a prerequisite to have children. If you're a woman and you don't want children, that's totally fine. But if you do or might want them and yet don't want a boyfriend/husband, you don't need one! Adoption and fostering are always options, and you don't need sex or a relationship to be a mother. Maybe try to explain to them that their grandchildren dreams don't depend on your relationship status, and perhaps say that you're not sure about children/don't want children, depending on what you feel. And don't feel bad if you change your mind afterwards, but it isn't something that should be expected. Too many women are pressured into children when they don't want them, and that's both bad for them and the kids themselves.

 

Second, about your friend. He sounds...lovely. Bit misogynistic, there. If you really like him, and he's a close friend who was cool with bisexuality, it might just be that he's misinformed and ignorant. Maybe direct him to AVEN and asexual facebook groups, where he can learn more about it. I'd also suggest perhaps watching some ace youtubers (ameliaace is great).

 

If he's not a close friend and you don't really like him that much, or he really hurt you and you don't specifically want to subject yourself to than again, drop him. Just say that if he won't treat you better, you don't want to be his friend. And you won't tolerate his bigotry and misogyny.

 

Good luck <3

[Tarfeather]

2 hours ago, hello fellow humans said:

He also talked about how I was probably just scared to be in a relationship because I'd never been in one before and how sex and "physical" stuff does stuff to people mentally, "especially for girls" he said.

 

OH MY F***ing GOD!!!

You took the words out of my mouth with that reaction. xD And I'm a sexual guy.. But yeah, I've discovered this kind of stereotype often enough, and it annoys the hell out of me.

 

Quote

1. How do you deal with pressure from parents to get a boyfriend?

You switched it up there a bit between parents and grandparents, didn't you? Honestly, that's a tough one. A lot of people out there will seek out some kind of relationship that at least looks like a normal one to make peace with their parents. For instance, I once knew a homosexual lady who married her best friend (male), one of the reasons being that it'd alleviate the social pressures. If it's that important to you, I guess you could do something similar, find another asexual or someone who's otherwise okay with not having sex, and marry them. Personally, I'd just tell my parents that they have no business interferring in my personal life, but I guess that doesn't work for everyone.

 

Quote

2. How do you respond to a friend who said, "You haven't found someone yet" (and in a really patronizing way)?

I think it's more important for you to find peace with yourself. Like, what that person said is complete and utter bullshit, and I think you know that. There's no need for you to convince him of anything here, just walk away from this particular conflict, you know? It's not worth the effort to try to argue with someone who doesn't even understand the basics, especially when they're so condescending about it.

 

Honestly, you seem like a pretty smart person, so if that guy is someone you'd consider a "close friend", and you don't have any more confidence in your other friends, maybe what you need isn't a partner, but better friends? Just a thought.

[WinterWanderer]

My parents are the same way. I'm 23, and the older I get, the more they remind me that I need to be looking for a romantic partner. I don't think they care about whether I have kids. They're just worried that I'll end up alone and unhappy. When they talk about finding a boyfriend, I usually just laugh or shrug it off, and say that I'm not interested. They don't understand, and I'm not sure they ever will. But that's alright with me. I'll continue to be who I am regardless.

 

As for your friend... I've had people express the same opinions when I came out to them. Asexuality seems fake or wrong to a lot of people, especially to people who greatly value sex and romance. If it's important to you that he understand where you're coming from, I'd send him some asexual memes and art that hit at what it's like to be asexual in an entertaining sort of way.

 

Here's an example:

[Semiterrestrial Scientist]

 

5 hours ago, dianaisace said:

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

First of all: a boyfriend isn't a prerequisite to have children. If you're a woman and you don't want children, that's totally fine. But if you do or might want them and yet don't want a boyfriend/husband, you don't need one! Adoption and fostering are always options, and you don't need sex or a relationship to be a mother. Maybe try to explain to them that their grandchildren dreams don't depend on your relationship status, and perhaps say that you're not sure about children/don't want children, depending on what you feel. And don't feel bad if you change your mind afterwards, but it isn't something that should be expected. Too many women are pressured into children when they don't want them, and that's both bad for them and the kids themselves.

 

 

This is great. Adoption and fostering tend to be forgotten quite a bit. But if you don’t want kids that’s fine too. Your parents can’t dictate your life. As for your friend, I recommend getting a better friend. (Or if you actually want to keep that one, maybe just not bring it up again.)

[Florenna]

9 hours ago, dianaisace said:

First of all: a boyfriend isn't a prerequisite to have children. If you're a woman and you don't want children, that's totally fine. But if you do or might want them and yet don't want a boyfriend/husband, you don't need one! Adoption and fostering are always options, and you don't need sex or a relationship to be a mother.

Just to add that adoption or fostering are by no means the only ways to have kids even if you don't want a partner... I for one have two naturally conceived kids. (Granted, I've only realized a bit later in life that I'm on the ace spectrum, but that still applies to everyone, IMO.)

[Florenna]

5 hours ago, Fioryn said:

 

 

Nice cartoon; but I really do like my coffee with both milk and/or cream (but not cake)!!  

[hello fellow humans]

Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful comments! It means a lot to me because I really don't know whom I can talk to about this. 

 

I'm still a bit young for having or adopting kids lol, and being a single mother seems really difficult. Just a clarification question: I shouldn't or don't need to educate him about asexuality, because it's his responsibility to learn more, right? But maybe send him a few helpful links, tell him his messages were rude, condescending, sexist, etc, and I don't want to talk about it again. Would that be an okay response? 

 

Thanks again everyone. Wishing  you all the best.

[everywhere and nowhere]

32 minutes ago, Florenna said:

Just to add that adoption or fostering are by no means the only ways to have kids even if you don't want a partner... I for one have two naturally conceived kids. (Granted, I've only realized a bit later in life that I'm on the ace spectrum, but that still applies to everyone, IMO.)

Still, not all people want to be parents biologically. Most ace people are more or less unwilling to have sex (even though yes, this also isn't necessary for conception, semen from a donor and a syringe are usually enough) and generalized (not situation-related) fear of pregnancy seems to be more common among ace women.

Personally, I know I didn't want to have children even sooner than I knew that I don't want to have sex. At the very moment I read (as a five-year-old) what pregnancy and childbirth is, in my thoughts I was almost screaming: NO WAY this is ever gonna happen to me. Now I could say even more strongly: I would rather die than give birth plus go through all the related medical procedures (extreme fear of the g. doctor. I've never had this kind of examination and never will, I literally feel like this level of distress would kill me on the spot).

My mother has had years to accept it (I'm 36 years old now). I don't know what she thinks about it, but she never ever talks to me about "finding someone" or about having grandchildren (note that I'm an only child, so with my total "no" she has no chance of becoming a grandmother). She must realize that she has no influence whatsoever; not having children and not having any sexual relationships is a choice I could never change. But probably she also realizes that it has advantages too compared to a sex-inclusive lifestyle. Lots of people have sex way to soon and maybe when she thinks about it, she is glad that I won't have any sex-related problems like STIs and so on...

[Tarfeather]

17 minutes ago, hello fellow humans said:

Just a clarification question: I shouldn't or don't need to educate him about asexuality, because it's his responsibility to learn more, right? But maybe send him a few helpful links, tell him his messages were rude, condescending, sexist, etc, and I don't want to talk about it again. Would that be an okay response?

Sounds like an excellent response to me. Asserting yourself, while still giving the other person a chance to improve and grow as a person. Go, you!

 

Although I wouldn't agree with the sexist bit. I think words like that should be used properly, not to bludgeon anyone who expresses an opinion about women you're uncomfortable with. In this case, he has an assumption about women's biology / sexuality that's just plain false, but I don't think that's necessarily sexism. It's like, there are also a lot of women out there who believe that every woman wants sex, and I don't think they're sexist, either. They're just wrong. There's a difference, and it's important to keep in mind, so that when we do call someone sexist, it carries the proper punch it should.

[Guest]

23 hours ago, hello fellow humans said:

Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful comments! It means a lot to me because I really don't know whom I can talk to about this. 

 

I'm still a bit young for having or adopting kids lol, and being a single mother seems really difficult. Just a clarification question: I shouldn't or don't need to educate him about asexuality, because it's his responsibility to learn more, right? But maybe send him a few helpful links, tell him his messages were rude, condescending, sexist, etc, and I don't want to talk about it again. Would that be an okay response? 

 

Thanks again everyone. Wishing  you all the best.

Hi there. I was a bit confused about your conversation with your friend...I thought you spoke to him in person, but you refer a lot to what he wrote. If that is the case, then I think the best thing is to speak to him IN PERSON about how is words impacted you...do not do it in writing because often written words are misinterpreted or can lack the emotional intent. Nothing beats looking someone in the eye when you are trying to work through something like this.

 

The other thing I can say is that, for me at least, people who already know me seem to be least accepting initially, but I think that is because they had no idea of what I have been thinking and only see the "old" me before I realized that I am ace. Since I am still trying to process this information, as you are, I think it is only fair to be patient with people's reactions. Yes, this male friend said some things to upset you, but from what you said he sounds otherwise quite decent. I feel that saying you don't want to talk about it again will shut all doors...perhaps just say that you would not like to discuss it further for a while until/unless he does some of his own research. But it is not a requirement...

 

As for parents, well, I think we have a challenge culturally that everyone is still conditioned to believe in the typical/traditional family unit as representing happiness. Full stop. Even if people are more and more accepting and open to all the other kinds of relationships, the reality is that we are biological creatures who are programmed to procreate, so in general this is the "norm" (barring all the other arguments about this, just think back to the less populated times with cave people ;)) It is very difficult for parents to let go of it being their responsibility to make sure you are happy, sent on your way from their protection into the world ....and then they have done their jobs.  There is no instruction book. They are just doing what their parents did before...the rules of family are changing but it does take a long time for everyone to catch up if it unfamiliar or new...From what you said about your parents, it sounds like they will listen to what you have to say once you figure out what to say.

 

Anyway, wishing you well on the journey.