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Fun by myself backfired


MrDane

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Sorry for the details!

We have been a few days past our scheduled sex. I didnt have the nerve to ask her since she had her head/hands full. I wanted sex, but more importantly I wanted to have clarity on what and when to expect sex again, if ever... As an attempt to avoid putting more pressure on her and to release some on my behalf, I touched myself. Nothing to be ashamed about and more of a massage than a fantasy-session. 

As I ejaculated, my head is simultanously filled with depressive thoughts. Tears came into my eyes and I felt worthless and lonely and pathetic.

 

my own philosophy is that if I feel like we are in a good rythm, then it usually feels like a nice supplement, but when I need sex the most, then this is to risky, since I migth feel so ...wrong about us!?

 

any comments? From sexuals mostly, please!

 

 

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Shadowstepper
13 minutes ago, MrDane said:

 

As I ejaculated, my head is simultanously filled with depressive thoughts. Tears came into my eyes and I felt worthless and lonely and pathetic.

 

 

 

I have in fact had this happen on numerous occasions. Without delving too deep into the psychology or biology of it all, I think when it came right down to it, I somehow felt like I wasn't supposed to be doing it, and thus was punishing myself for having done it.

 

I don't have an easy answer for how to get around it other than to say that hopefully you find a way to associate it positively, or at least not associate it as anything other than a basic biological need. Took me until this year to start to not feel that way.

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@Shadowstepper

 

@MrDane being sexual, I don't think that was what was going on here. I'm guessing it was more the intense sadness at not having a partner who's enthusiastic to share sex.

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paperbackreader

Sorry to hear it's made you feel so bad. What do you mean by 'wrong about us'? 

 

Sorry in advance also if you feel this question is intrusive :-/ 

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Shadowstepper
25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

@Shadowstepper

 

@MrDane being sexual, I don't think that was what was going on here. I'm guessing it was more the intense sadness at not having a partner who's enthusiastic to share sex.

It makes sense if he equates sexual release with the intimacy he was looking for from her. In that respect, he was performing the intimate act without the person he felt he was supposed to be performing it with, which leads to the "not supposed to" feelings.

 

Not understanding myself as an asexual until very recently, I only understood sex and sexual release as an expression of love. Any time I felt the urge to handle business myself, I felt like it went against what I thought sexual release was supposed to be for.

 

If that clarifies my earlier comments at all.

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Treesarepretty

@MrDane, I was getting ready for a joke about shooting stuff where it shouldn't be. 

 

In my case, the feeling you are describing came from the thought that if I had any control over myself I would not need to do something so gross when I was an up tight teenager, and later the thought that if I were a worthwhile SO then I would not need to "relieve" myself. 

 

It sounds from your description that you are going back to taking your need to climax by yourself as a value judgement about you from your wife. That is not the case. She loves you. That is why she agreed to compromise with you. If you need to remind her of the compromise, then that is what you need to do. The squeeky wheel gets the grease. 

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he was performing the intimate act without the person he felt he was supposed to be performing it with, which leads to the "not supposed to" feelings.

I agree, but it's not about guilt. It's about loneliness, as MrD says. For sexuals, the idea that our married sex life comes down to a solitary wank is desparately lonely. Sex is an shared, intimate experience, not about orgasm.

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1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I agree, but it's not about guilt. It's about loneliness, as MrD says.

How would you know? The way MrDane described the experience sounded like he might feel guilty about it, but was trying to tell himself it's okay. Obviously, I don't know either, but it's a possibility.

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I know because he said :

 

 

"I touched myself. Nothing to be ashamed about" 

 

and

 

"I felt worthless and lonely and pathetic." 

 

 

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14 hours ago, paperbackreader said:

Sorry to hear it's made you feel so bad. What do you mean by 'wrong about us'? 

 

Sorry in advance also if you feel this question is intrusive :-/ 

Difference in how we both fit in this relationship, regarding sex. If more sex= me happy, her stressed.

and less sex = me depressed, her less stressed. 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I know because he said :

 

 

"I touched myself. Nothing to be ashamed about" 

 

and

 

"I felt worthless and lonely and pathetic." 

 

 

Rigth, @Telecaster68! Nothing wrong with touching yourself, but feels a bit dull, compared to nice partnered sex.

 

and the troubles occur when I realise, that this isnt just a supplement, but something I do because I am too afraid to ask, since it will be  either a stressful thing for her or a bit crybaby from me. 

 

biggest concern rigth now, is that I dont know what I have. 

 

I may have to talk to her about this, so we can get back on track. I want to reach the good agreement and I am willing to slow things down and if she wants to stop for a while ...or forever, then so be it! It just wont mean that I only handle my sex by myself

 

 

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I'm so sorry you went through that; that sounds so terrible. :'( 

 

Unfortunately, I think this is a pretty natural side-effect of being in a mixed relationship. Even with a rigid sex routine, I think there can still be space to feel loneliness in the lack of reciprocation which can come from unspontaneous sex - feeling that feelings which are for us sexuals, raw and intense, must be put on a schedule. 

 

Definitely talk to her about this, and tell her what happened. 

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paperbackreader

Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this; it's enlightening. 

 

I support your own observations and also @AthenaFay, I think that honesty, discussion and compromise without making each other feel bad about the situation is possible and will help; especially if your relationship is strong in other areas. There's nothing wrong with having different needs and I think the clarity will make you more sure footed about each other's boundaries. 

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everywhere and nowhere
On 15.11.2017 at 9:07 PM, Shadowstepper said:

Not understanding myself as an asexual until very recently, I only understood sex and sexual release as an expression of love. Any time I felt the urge to handle business myself, I felt like it went against what I thought sexual release was supposed to be for.

But that's what I think too. Even though this may be judging or "shaming" people, I just don't accept feelingless sex. Not necessarily love, but some kind of committment - for example I accept the idea that someone may have sex with a friend, but I don't accept if people meet for sex only, without even knowing that person.

I simply, while not accepting sex without love, consider love without sex fully valid (even when not satisfying for everyone). And I don't think I could ever bring myself to have sex even if I loved greatly. Still I 100% share the idea that sex should be something done out of feeling (provided one has that kind of desire), not something done exclusively for one's own pleasure.

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Never feel guilty about who you are or what your needs are. For a long time I felt something was wrong because that part was missing from our relationship. But the more I read about asexuality and polyamory, and explore other peoples' experiences, the more I realise expecting one person to be everything to you is unrealistic for many if not most of us.

 

That realisation that I can love my wife, and it's still okay to have needs that she can't fulfil, has really transformed my thinking. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of us, it just means that we need to find ways to make that work for us.

 

I hope you both can figure this out. Don't feel guilty and don't lose hope.

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