I'm head over heels for my (asexual) best friend. Help?

[Lancet Comire]

My friend of 6 years is an asexual / aromantic. (This isn't news to anybody).

Just over 3 years ago we moved away from each other. Since then we have kept in touch mostly via hours long skype calls, online games and the occasional visit twice a year for a birthday or a convention (we're students, and train fares are expensive!) We both consider each other best friends, bros, buddies etc. However, before we moved away I had some feelings for her, and since then they have just grown and grown. I'm fricking head over heels in love with this person and I can't tell her because shes asexual. 

 

Its obviously not based fully on sexuality, considering we live hundreds of miles apart, but there is definitely an element of it in there on my side, seeing as I find her extremely sexually attractive. This, I do think though, grew out of my feelings for her.

Its just I don't know what to do?? She's the kinda person I would be very happy living with, shes witty, stubborn and has a heart of gold, although she tends to cover that up with sarcasm. She grows as a good person every single day, and its utterly amazing.  We have both said things in passing, and even made mock plans of house sharing when we're older ('cause housing market yo) but is it bad to want more?

In some ways its illogical. We're opposites in quite a few ways, she has attitudes that frustrate me, and I'm sure I do a great many things that frustrate her, but we're best friends. 

 

I'm currently in university, and I have a fair amount of other friends (nothing like her though), and have tried relationships with other people but it just wont stick? I just can't muster anything near to what I have for that goddam person living miles and miles away from me. I'm just head over heels for her and I just can't stop it? I know I shouldn't, and I know she literally cannot feel anything sexually but my goddam mind still wants her. 

 

Another way we're opposites is that shes asexual, and I'm bisexual. Ahah, cosmic irony. 

 

The thing thats been keeping me up at night is that I honestly can't go on like this. I've kept this to myself for years. I should just straight up tell her, get it over with but I don't want to hurt our friendship, or hurt her in any way. I understand that a platonic relationship is also a possibility, and honestly, I think I could do quite well with it! But there is some aspect of me (damn you lizard brain) that like any young person, that just wants to bang. Honestly, I hate it, and wish I could get rid of my sexuality altogeather just to be with her. It's just getting in the bloody way. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can change that part of me any more than she can. 

 

Again, I could platonically share a house, and a life with her, but there would always be some part of me that I would have to stuff down and ignore. 

 

Probably not characteristic for a gymgoing guy well over 6ft to be shaking while he types this kind of stuff, but I honestly need a hand here. 

Is there any middle ground you guys could suggest for us? She doesn't know I feel this way, I think, we're just incredibly good friends. (Although, if I'm honest it took us almost 4 years to get to the point of actually admitting we're best friends to each other, and considering how emotionally repressed we both are, that's quite an achievement!)

 

Also, I've read some of the other posts on here about sexuals and asexuals in relationships and they're quite depressing. Eugh.

[Shadowstepper]

Im new here (first time posting, wooo!), but as a recently come-out asexual married to a bisexual, I understand what you are dealing with.

 

First and foremost, secrets are never a good thing in a relationship, even if it's a friendship. It will eventually cause a rift. 

 

The best thing to do is tell her how you feel. However you need to approach it in a way that acknowledges her asexuality and that you recognize the impossibility of the situation.

 

Sitting on this will make interactions more tense than they need to be because you are holding it in. Once all has been said, then you and she can evaluate things and see if she has any interest at all, none at all, flexible, whatever.

 

 

[Pamalla-Shay]

it could work out between both of you.. but nothing is going to happen if you don't tell her... really you have to talk with her about it to find a middle ground other than that idk if I can help more then that.. good luck and tell us how it goes

[nothinbuttrouble]

I wouldn't say anything. I would just spend as much time with her as I could, being as close as I could without crossing her boundaries. I would hope

that my relationship with her worked itself out to the place it belongs naturally. I'm guessing this could be very painful. But, then again, it could

develop into something irreplaceable. However, I'm not really aware of how painful this could be to you, because I am an asexual and I don't

understand how upsetting unreciprocated sexual desire can feel.

[Tarfeather]

4 hours ago, Lancet Comire said:

The thing thats been keeping me up at night is that I honestly can't go on like this. I've kept this to myself for years. I should just straight up tell her, get it over with but I don't want to hurt our friendship, or hurt her in any way. I understand that a platonic relationship is also a possibility, and honestly, I think I could do quite well with it! But there is some aspect of me (damn you lizard brain) that like any young person, that just wants to bang. Honestly, I hate it, and wish I could get rid of my sexuality altogeather just to be with her. It's just getting in the bloody way. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can change that part of me any more than she can.

I think it's important to accept your feelings. As for your friendship, I personally believe it's more respectful to be straightforward about what you want, rather than try to depict yourself differently in order not to offend. Bottom line is, you have this desire, it won't be met, better own up to it. Oh, and as for a relationship, that is entirely possible. But is that what you want, a relationship where your sexual desires will not be met?

[thelistenersfury]

I have the opposite problem from you. My best friend in the world just told me he had feelings for me, and I am probably as stringetly aro ace you can be. Ive never had any kind of romantic feelings or leanings, am so touch repulsed I don't even shake a people's hands unless the social awkwardness wins over me being uncomfortable, and I'm looking on here for advice to move past this and help him get over it. 

 

My advice for you is to tell her. As much as it was a shock to me I appreciated his honesty and how he respectfully told me he expects nothing from me, and that he didn't resent me for being aro. 

 

If you did tell her, how did it go? Has your friendship survived and moved past it? What advice would you (or anyone really, I'm in uncharted territory here) give me to help him move past this? How to act going forward? Like everything is normal, or do something else? Losing our friendship is not an option for me, I'm determined to preserve it if at all possible. Any help would be appreciated.