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We broke up


Tarfeather

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Yeah, so.. With a lot of uncertainty and back and forth, me and C. are currently in the process of breaking up. After half a year of me growing increasingly unhappy in the relationship, I feel this is the right move, but.. thing is, I still love her, and it's hard.

 

Like, I personally think it might be a good idea to break off contact for a while? But she just won't have that. And I have my abandonment issues and everything, which means to me leaving someone alone is about the worst thing imaginable, and I'd never do that to a person. So as long as she wants contact, seeing as I still love her and don't want her to hurt, it's hard to say no.

 

And I'm not sure how that's going to work out? I established some ground rules. No more holding hands, no more cuddling, no more pecks on the cheek. I also told her that I think it should be okay from now on for us to not see each other for a few weeks. Like, friends can spend some time apart and be fine, right? Anyway..

 

This whole thing is just so difficult for me. I still love her, I don't want to hurt her, but I also want to be happy. Which I feel I'm not going to find in this relationship at this point anymore. It was different half a year ago, but now, not so much.

 

It's just so weird breaking up when you still have a lot of positive feelings for each other and are comfortable around each other. Especially in a relationship with an asexual. Especially if you still love the other person. Like, what is even the difference between a strong friendship and a relationship in this case? It seems to me that it's more of a transient thing, not a dividing line anywhere.

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everywhere and nowhere
13 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

Like, what is even the difference between a strong friendship and a relationship in this case? It seems to me that it's more of a transient thing, not a dividing line anywhere.

That's it. I can't even understand the supposed big difference between "romantic" and "non-romantic". Every relationship is unique.

 

I wish you both happiness.

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I still love my ex too. I always will.

 

18 minutes ago, Tarfeather said:

Like, what is even the difference between a strong friendship and a relationship in this case?

None. I always think that a lover is a best friend with whom sexual stuff is going on. 

 

You know. It's good your relationship didn't have a rough end, because those can be nightmares. It's good when a romantic relationship steadily moves into a friendship. 

 

Will you hang out over here any longer then?

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1 hour ago, Tarfeather said:

Like, I personally think it might be a good idea to break off contact for a while?

I think it would be a good idea to trust your instincts on this one. You can at least limit contact, and let things settle down a little. Might even be easier change the relationship dynamic to a more clear friendship one after that. Speaking of which

 

1 hour ago, Tarfeather said:

Like, what is even the difference between a strong friendship and a relationship in this case? It seems to me that it's more of a transient thing, not a dividing line anywhere.

This is how I've come to look at it too. There is a difference because you feel the difference, but it isn't and obvious thing you can necessarily always put your finger on.

 

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WhatEverDontCare
2 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

Like, what is even the difference between a strong friendship and a relationship in this case?

I think the difference is that in a friendship you just feel platonic feelings towards the person, whereas in a romantic relationship you are also romantically attracted to them.

Anyway I am sorry for your breakup, I've never broken up with anyone but it must be horrible. But it'll get better.

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Hey Tar, sorry to hear that. You've put so much into trying to make it work. 

 

But in the end, a relationship that requires so much constant work and stress really isn't going to do you any good, and you'd already arrived at a place where for most of us outside the relationship it looked pretty much more like a friendship than a relationship, so a bit of reframing it is probably the best way to go.

 

And it does leave you open to having your mind blown by a sexual woman when you're ready...

 

 

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1 hour ago, HonoraryJedi said:

This is how I've come to look at it too. There is a difference because you feel the difference, but it isn't and obvious thing you can necessarily always put your finger on.

A level of intimacy that a strong friendship doesn't warrant, which isn't necessarily sexual either. 

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5 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

Like, what is even the difference between a strong friendship and a relationship in this case?

Honestly I've always wondered that too, I think a relationship IS a strong friendship - but it's all dependent on how individuals feel about it.

 

I think it might be good to give yourself space if that's what your gut feeling is... though I don't think that an amicable break up where you still both feel very strongly about each other is bad at all. I know people who have broken up because they eventually felt more like siblings than a couple and it wasn't working out, but they still see each other often and love each other very much. I feel like that sort of thing might actually just be more amicable in the long run.

 

Perhaps that might be a way to reframe it? Your ex is a person who has been a part of your life for a while - a family member of a sort. There's nothing wrong with moving out and away from that, like one would move away from a parent or sibling when one's life moves on, and it doesn't mean you love them any less, it's just a different sort of love now.

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On 11/15/2017 at 1:01 PM, Emery. said:

I still love my ex too. I always will.

 

None. I always think that a lover is a best friend with whom sexual stuff is going on. 

 

You know. It's good your relationship didn't have a rough end, because those can be nightmares. It's good when a romantic relationship steadily moves into a friendship. 

 

Will you hang out over here any longer then?

 

Aww, thank you for your kind reply. ^^ Of course I'll hang out over here still, I can't find the goddamn door!!

 

In other news, today we accidentally almost rubbed noses out of habit. I pulled back like just before we touched, realizing. Then she was like "Oh, right!" and we both ended up in fits of giggles. This breakup thing is difficult.

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Treesarepretty
2 hours ago, Tarfeather said:

In other news, today we accidentally almost rubbed noses out of habit. I pulled back like just before we touched, realizing. Then she was like "Oh, right!" and we both ended up in fits of giggles. This breakup thing is difficult.

This is cute. ☺

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Best wishes to you and to C! In the short term it's understandable that it's hard. In the long term it will hopefully mean you can each be happier. :)

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On 15.11.2017 at 2:36 PM, Tarfeather said:

Yeah, so.. With a lot of uncertainty and back and forth, me and C. are currently in the process of breaking up. After half a year of me growing increasingly unhappy in the relationship, I feel this is the right move, but.. thing is, I still love her, and it's hard.

I know the feeling. I had to pretty much tear myself away from my ex-husband. But our relationship was very harmful for me, so it had to be done.

Now I feel much better, and I’m sure you will recover for a good life and new love.

Best wishes.

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 “the rubbing nose~incident”  reminds me of how my acer can suddenly touch me/caress me when there is no danger. Like yesterday, when i was feeling ill and therefore there were no risk of hankypanky. 

 

I hope @Tarfeather, comes through this and I guess he will know what to put in a dating profile

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