Practicing relationships

[swirl_of_blue]

I was recently thinking of how my therapist once told me that I should start having "practice relationships", and started to wonder if that's something many people do. This is how she explained it: "You should find someone to be with, nothing serious, just for a short time. Maybe for a couple of months. So that you could see and learn what a normal relationship is like, and try out different things". So I would in some way (maybe by online dating or Tinder) find someone to date without any exceptions of the relationship ever becoming serious or long-term. I would also have to pick that person relatively quickly, not spend time getting to know them and not seek very thorough/deep compatibility - just enough that I could be interested in them for a month or two.

 

That sounds really weird to me. Why would I want to enter a relationship with someone I'm very "shallowly" interested in, perhaps only having some aesthetic attraction and maybe a shared interest or two? And why on earth would I want to start a relationship that I myself intend to end relatively soon, and have no other reason for that relationship than to test out what sort of things I like? It sounds very cruel towards the partner in question, to only regard them as almost a test subject.

 

Has anyone heard of people doing this, done it themselves or had someone recommend trying something like this? Is practicing relationships like this even a thing, outside of stupid teenage flings (and I don't understand those either, never having dated as a teenager)? I was 22 when my therapist recommended this and had been in a relationship twice. I am now 26, and have not been in a relationship since I was 21.

[stuartmcgrath]

i've never heard of this and at first i was thinking this was a shitty thing because it could be taken as playing with someone's feelings but i think if you jump in with someone and let them know you just want to try the relationship thing out for a couple months and they're cool with it could be worth giving a shot 

[everywhere and nowhere]

40 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

That sounds really weird to me. Why would I want to enter a relationship with someone I'm very "shallowly" interested in, perhaps only having some aesthetic attraction and maybe a shared interest or two?

I couldn't.

Unlike you, I have never been in any relationship, but I'm sure I can be in love. However, it turned out that dating sites are not for me - I just can't get more interested in another person that quickly.

[Kersenne]

I've never heard about "practice relationships" either and the idea sounds also very strange... Perhaps teenagers have those sort of practice relationships, even if they don't call it this way and don't see it this way either, but they prepare themselves for future serious relationships? I'm just hypothesising here, I have no idea if that could be true or not. 

 

In any case, I agree that it's pretty rude to your partner if you start a practice relationship - and how do you introduce the subject? "Hi, I want to go out with for a couple of month but just as practice, no feelings attached, nothing comes out of it at the end of the term". Haha perhaps you should sign a contract with the other party, to disengage your responsability if the other person falls in love with you, or decides to dump before the end of the trial perido, or something. The idea of a practice relationship sounds actually funny, in a non-serious way, like something you would do with a really close friend just for fun. Perhaps this is what your therapist meant? Try to go out on dates with a close friend whom you have no romanic feelings for and who will not fall in love with you?

 

But then I wonder what the point is in trying to have a fake relationship... What did your therapist hope you would achieve by trying this? 

[swirl_of_blue]

1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I couldn't.

Unlike you, I have never been in any relationship, but I'm sure I can be in love. However, it turned out that dating sites are not for me - I just can't get more interested in another person that quickly.

I can't either. Both of the relationships I have been in I went into really quickly, and it turned out to be a mistake. I didn't love either of those partners, I didn't even care for them much and there was absolutely no attraction at all. I only did it to try to strengthen my self-confidence by showing myself that I could be enough for someone ... Which I ended up not being, and my partner abused me to the point where I almost committed suicide after he left me.

[swirl_of_blue]

1 minute ago, Kersenne said:

Perhaps this is what your therapist meant? Try to go out on dates with a close friend whom you have no romanic feelings for and who will not fall in love with you?

I know this was not it. She used the term "summer cat", which relates to people going to their summer cottage, getting a cat for company for the summer and then abandoning it to the wild when the summer ends and the person returns to the city. It's a really bad thing to do, and just by using that term she made it sound pretty repulsive. She made it sound more like I should pick up a random guy at the bar or club (and I never go to either...) and have a sort of love-them-and-leave-them thing.

 

4 minutes ago, Kersenne said:

But then I wonder what the point is in trying to have a fake relationship... What did your therapist hope you would achieve by trying this? 

Me too! I can't remember if she had a good argument for suggesting what she did, but in general her relationship advice was what I can only call shallow: for example at one point she told me to get sexier clothes so that I could please my then-boyfriend better, and told me that then being desired would make me feel better about everything. She did seem to think that sex was much more important in a relationship than things like actually communicating and getting to know each other...

[Kersenne]

5 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I know this was not it. She used the term "summer cat", which relates to people going to their summer cottage, getting a cat for company for the summer and then abandoning it to the wild when the summer ends and the person returns to the city. It's a really bad thing to do, and just by using that term she made it sound pretty repulsive. She made it sound more like I should pick up a random guy at the bar or club (and I never go to either...) and have a sort of love-them-and-leave-them thing.

 

Me too! I can't remember if she had a good argument for suggesting what she did, but in general her relationship advice was what I can only call shallow: for example at one point she told me to get sexier clothes so that I could please my then-boyfriend better, and told me that then being desired would make me feel better about everything. She did seem to think that sex was much more important in a relationship than things like actually communicating and getting to know each other...

I would like to be able to divide quotes like everyone else but I still don't know how to do this... so sorry, I just put your whole quote here^^

 

Indeed, your therapist's suggestion sounds pretty cruel! Grab a boy, date him, dump him, that's no way to treat someone (or any animal, for that matter). I can't even start imagining why she would suggest such a thing - it sounds like the kind of things someone would say as bait, to make you react or something... And I can't imagine what would be in it for you, what "lesson" you're supposed to learn from that grab-and-dump thing.

 

It sounds like she's turning you into a sexual object - be pretty, shut up and please your boyfriend. Hearing comments like this during Middle Age, I can understand, but nowadays? It's quite shocking that she would say such things to you. Did she at least try to understand you, to know the different layers of your personality that made you a unique person? Or did she just dump you in one category and tried to make you fit in it? 

[paperbackreader]

My view is that going in to a relationship thinking "I'm getting in to this relationship for practice" is a wrong approach entirely and disrespects both yourself and the potential partner. 

 

However! Going in to a relationship in good faith (i.e. you feel it has some, if not /complete/ potential, you feel that you would want a partner, and that your potential partner also would want a partner, rather than wanting to end it after X days / months), giving relationships a try, accepting that relationships are built over time and trust, and focusing on the today / now rather than getting worried / hung up about whether your lasts 1 month, 2 months, 2 years, or a lifetime...

 

...That's probably not a bad thing, if it is something that you and your potential partner want to work towards to. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say not very eloquently is your therapist may be trying to make a point badly....

In the end if you don't feel like you are ready to be with someone else for whatever reason that's entirely OK, but some people put a lot of pressure on it to be 'perfect' or 'long lasting' right from the get go, and it may help to recognize those pressures when you're getting in to one. 

[paperbackreader]

...Just read the follow ups and maybe I'm giving your therapist too much benefit of doubt haha. 

Sorry to hear about your experiences with the abusive partner. 

[Beaver Boy]

Does your therapist know you are ace? If not, would you feel comfortable telling your therapist? If you answered no to both questions, maybe your therapist is giving you bad advice since you don't really see the point of a "practice relationship"

4 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

"You should find someone to be with, nothing serious, just for a short time. Maybe for a couple of months. So that you could see and learn what a normal relationship is like, and try out different things"

That word "normal" makes me cringe.

 

4 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

not spend time getting to know them and not seek very thorough/deep compatibility - just enough that I could be interested in them for a month or two.

I don't like the sound of this either. It doesn't even make sense how you could get interested in someone if you don't even spend the time to get to know them more deeply.

[Beaver Boy]

4 hours ago, Kersenne said:

What did your therapist hope you would achieve by trying this?

I wonder the exact same thing.

[swirl_of_blue]

1 minute ago, Beaver Boy said:

Does your therapist know you are ace? If not, would you feel comfortable telling your therapist? If you answered no to both questions, maybe your therapist is giving you bad advice since you don't really see the point of a "practice relationship"

It's been years since I went to therapy, I just sometimes suddenly remember something my therapist used to say and start thinking of it. I didn't identify as ace way back when I still saw her, I assumed that my lack of interest and enjoyment in sex was because I had never had good sex. Actually, half of the time I still think that might be the case and my inability to relax and live in the moment is the thing that makes partnered sex so uncomfortable (too embarassed to communicate or even look at my partner, afraid that I say or do something stupid -> awkward fumbling -> more embarrasment -> stress -> "I never want to do this again!")

[Telecaster68]

It sounds very much to me like she's suggesting exactly what teenagers do, even though they're not conscious of it at the time. Understanding human relationships is trial and and error for everyone (we practice things like 'sharing'  with our siblings for example when we're very young and then use what we've learned as we get older). 

 

Could it be that she  was driving at was lightening up a bit over relationships, accept them for what they are, which doesn't have to be eternal or profound? They last as long as they last, and if that's only a few weeks or months, that's how it goes sometimes, and nothing wrong with that.  If you go into a relationship with that attitude then you're probably less anxious about it and what happens if/when it ends, and in itself, being more relaxed could well make it longer anyhow. 

 

As for exploiting the other person - maybe they're not looking for anything permanent either... The model could be more like a holiday romance than Romeo and Juliet. 

[Wolf27]

15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It sounds very much to me like she's suggesting exactly what teenagers do, even though they're not conscious of it at the time. Understanding human relationships is trial and and error for everyone 

This is an interesting idea. Perhaps this is why I'm finding it so difficult. It took me a long time to figure out I was ace and sub consciously I avoided dating.  But I guess that means I never got to "practice". Now at 28 I feel like there is more pressure somehow because sex seems to be expected as part of a relationship. 

[LadyFie]

5 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

She used the term "summer cat", which relates to people going to their summer cottage, getting a cat for company for the summer and then abandoning it to the wild when the summer ends and the person returns to the city.

That is horrible. Why would you want to do something like that to a human being?

 

5 hours ago, paperbackreader said:

However! Going in to a relationship in good faith (i.e. you feel it has some, if not /complete/ potential, you feel that you would want a partner, and that your potential partner also would want a partner, rather than wanting to end it after X days / months), giving relationships a try, accepting that relationships are built over time and trust, and focusing on the today / now rather than getting worried / hung up about whether your lasts 1 month, 2 months, 2 years, or a lifetime...

 

...That's probably not a bad thing, if it is something that you and your potential partner want to work towards to.

I agree. Maybe that therapist wanted you to "just try" a relationship without taking it too seriously, so you don't get too stressed about it (which theoretically might be a good idea, but I find it quite impractical). But I think you still need to feel something for your partner because otherwise, what's the point? You would only mimic a relationship and the "things people do in relationships"...

[swirl_of_blue]

19 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Could it be that she  was driving at was lightening up a bit over relationships, accept them for what they are, which doesn't have to be eternal or profound? They last as long as they last, and if that's only a few weeks or months, that's how it goes sometimes, and nothing wrong with that.

I'm a serious person and trying to lighten up about something as serious as a relationship is something I'm just not capable of. I would feel like an absolute failure if a relationship that was intended to be long-term ended up not working! It is a matter of life and death, as I've seen first hand how a relationship can drive a person to the brink of suicide.

[Telecaster68]

I was a late starter too - I'm sexual but had other issues and I didn't really have a relationship till I was 23, and it felt like I had some catching up to do. The good news is you've got a whole bunch of self knowledge, confidence and lack of that horrible teenage peer pressure on your side. 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

6 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I was recently thinking of how my therapist once told me that I should start having "practice relationships", and started to wonder if that's something many people do. This is how she explained it: "You should find someone to be with, nothing serious, just for a short time. Maybe for a couple of months. So that you could see and learn what a normal relationship is like, and try out different things". So I would in some way (maybe by online dating or Tinder) find someone to date without any exceptions of the relationship ever becoming serious or long-term. I would also have to pick that person relatively quickly, not spend time getting to know them and not seek very thorough/deep compatibility - just enough that I could be interested in them for a month or two.

 

That sounds really weird to me. Why would I want to enter a relationship with someone I'm very "shallowly" interested in, perhaps only having some aesthetic attraction and maybe a shared interest or two? And why on earth would I want to start a relationship that I myself intend to end relatively soon, and have no other reason for that relationship than to test out what sort of things I like? It sounds very cruel towards the partner in question, to only regard them as almost a test subject.

 

Has anyone heard of people doing this, done it themselves or had someone recommend trying something like this? Is practicing relationships like this even a thing, outside of stupid teenage flings (and I don't understand those either, never having dated as a teenager)? I was 22 when my therapist recommended this and had been in a relationship twice. I am now 26, and have not been in a relationship since I was 21.

I used to know some people like that but I never agreed on their attitude or approach either and I think it's even more worse hearing these things coming from a professional therapist to be honest. *shakes her head* You must never use or play with feelings of other people. It's not a game.

 

So I strongly disagree with this advise. I don't think you should follow, even less if it doesn't make sense to you. Besides, there is no reason to ever even "practice" relationships like that since it usually happens naturally. It's really nothing to train or plan in advance. So don't let yourself being pushed into it for any reason.

[swirl_of_blue]

1 minute ago, LadyFie said:

I agree. Maybe that therapist wanted you to "just try" a relationship without taking it too seriously, so you don't get too stressed about it (which theoretically might be a good idea, but I find it quite impractical). But I think you still need to feel something for your partner because otherwise, what's the point? You would only mimic a relationship and the "things people do in relationships"...

I think this is what she thought I should do. But I'm 100% sure that I would end up just acting the way I assume people in relationships do (I have no idea what a healthy relationship is like), and because of my Asperger's would absolutely mess everything up, end up being both creepy and horribly naive at the same time and just hurt both myself and my partner.

[swirl_of_blue]

6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

The good news is you've got a whole bunch of self knowledge, confidence and lack of that horrible teenage peer pressure on your side. 

Self knowledge? Nope. Confidence? Absolutely not: I'm 100% sure that I am the most failed and horrible human being on the earth and that staying off the dating market I'm actually doing a service to the whole humanity. I don't think there's anything that I can give to a partner that someone else couldn't do much better, so in the dating aspect I'm absolutely useless and so shouldn't even try. And the peer pressure has never been there for me: I've been an outcast all my life, and actually with my history of having dated twice has me "in the lead" of my small circle of friends. Having had my first relationship at 20 I was also the youngest of us to ever have dated.

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I'm a serious person and trying to lighten up about something as serious as a relationship is something I'm just not capable of. I would feel like an absolute failure if a relationship that was intended to be long-term ended up not working! It is a matter of life and death, as I've seen first hand how a relationship can drive a person to the brink of suicide.

I didn't mean you were kind of morally obliged to do it, just that might've been where she was going, especially since as you say, you take relationships very seriously. Not  taking them seriously is fine too, as long as it's a mutual thing. Therapists punt out a lot of suggestions in my experience to see what chimes with clients. 

[LadyFie]

1 minute ago, swirl_of_blue said:

But I'm 100% sure that I would end up just acting the way I assume people in relationships do (I have no idea what a healthy relationship is like)

That's the whole mistake in her idea (in my opinion): you can't really mimic a "normal" (whatever this even means) relationship and then learn from it IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD ONE.

 

But I guess it is true that (most?) people have to learn how to make relationships work by just trying. As the others already stated, many people start doing that as a teenager (I did, too. I'm probably still learning, I don't think you ever stop.)

 

1 minute ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I'm 100% sure that I am the most failed and horrible human being on the earth and that staying off the dating market I'm actually doing a service to the whole humanity.

I'm 100% sure that you're not!  Don't be too harsh on yourself and also: don't force yourself to do things you don't want to. I think the best policy is just living your life, being open-minded to opportunities and if it feels right: trying new things. There's no point in just dating random people you're not interested in (if you don't like relationships that aren't serious), just wait for someone to catch your interest and then go for it.

[Telecaster68]

Was your therapist AS literate? I could see how that would change things. And also how AS might be part of you doing some all or nothing catastrophising now... 

[swirl_of_blue]

1 minute ago, LadyFie said:

just wait for someone to catch your interest and then go for it.

I went for it and was rejected this summer, which sadly hasn't made my crush on him go anywhere. I also have a crush on another person, but she is of the same sex as I and I have no knowledge of what her orientation might be. Of course statistically she is most likely to be straight, so there's no point in even trying anything! And being demiromantic it's highly unlikely I'll develop any more crushes in a long time since I'm not going to have opportunities to meet new people (no time for new hobbies, and my work is completely solitary), so it seems I'm stuck for the time being.

[LadyFie]

13 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

I went for it and was rejected this summer

I'm sorry! That sucks. But I still believe it's the best way to always try it like that, I really don't have any better ideas for finding a partner.

 

14 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

Of course statistically she is most likely to be straight, so there's no point in even trying anything!

Don't be so negative. It's still possible that she is not straight. I'd still say you should give it a try (unless you're scared it will destroy your platonic relationship with her, then it might be a bad idea. You got to decide that yourself.). 

 

Of course, I can only give advice based on my own experiences, but for me the result has always been good (in a way), when I made a move on someone. Not because they liked me back (that was only the case once), but because I then had certainty. Yes, I was heartbroken, but it also freed me. I could then put them behind me and move on. I could blame them for not liking me / not reacting in a nice way, which helped me getting over them (I know that is somehow selfish, but in a situation like that I still think it's the best you can do).

Because if you don't make a move, you remain uncertain. You don't get closer to them, but you can't let go either because you hope for the small chance that they do like you back.

 

28 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

And being demiromantic it's highly unlikely I'll develop any more crushes in a long time since I'm not going to have opportunities to meet new people

That's difficult. How important is it to you to find a partner? If you really crave a relationship, I guess there's no other way than actively trying to meet new people...

[paperbackreader]

1 hour ago, swirl_of_blue said:

Self knowledge? Nope. Confidence? Absolutely not: I'm 100% sure that I am the most failed and horrible human being on the earth and that staying off the dating market I'm actually doing a service to the whole humanity. I don't think there's anything that I can give to a partner that someone else couldn't do much better, so in the dating aspect I'm absolutely useless and so shouldn't even try. And the peer pressure has never been there for me: I've been an outcast all my life, and actually with my history of having dated twice has me "in the lead" of my small circle of friends. Having had my first relationship at 20 I was also the youngest of us to ever have dated.

I can relate a lot to thoughts about "the most failed and horrible human being"  from time to time. Even when I'm talking or thinking about things I've done right - because in those instances and moments it's possible to project the act of talking about things I've done right as being horrible and egocentric. 

 

My approach to "I'm absolutely useless" is usually that I will try and try and try until I am not useless at it. In the meantime I will declare to everyone that it may affect that I may be at least partially if not wholly useless but that I'm working on it. We don't expect babies to come out perfectly formed, fully talking and walking. They learn. Why should I be so hard on myself if I can't do something as long as I have tried my best to do better at it? It's really hard to keep that perspective when you're in the trenches and your psyche is convincing yourself that your entire existence is a mistake. The only thing that really 'helps' in those moments is hanging on, inch by inch, waiting for bad weather to pass until I feel able again to try and try... 

 

To me, one of the nicest things about Aspergers logic is for us, most of the time, peer pressure just isn't worth bat shit. What 'conformity'? We're going to be whoever we want to be, outcast or not, without reference to convention, thank you. 

 

But one of the worst things also is there's this in built tendency to apply peer pressure by osmosis on yourself (e.g. if everyone you know has learnt how to drive by your age and you're the only person that don't, neurotypical people may feel that they should learn to drive because other people may think of them as inadequate if they don't, but non-neurotypical tends not to think about what other people feel about them, and rather thinks of themselves that they are inadequate because they have not yet mastered driving as their personal failure, rather than a 'oh I better do this because I may get judged' factor...). Being able to recognize and accept / believe when I'm doing this unfairly to myself has been one hell of an art form to learn, and one of the biggest challenges of my life. Seriously, I'm not sure what it is about this particular thread that's making me word-soup so much.... 

 

There are no right answers in life, only possibilities available, and past.

If a relationship is something you want, and you're blessed with people whom you think may be potentials for whatever reason, wow - lucky - I'd try to assess chances with someone that you really trust and go for it if you are able to. 

Rejection and loss is really pain-in-the-ass hard, but I believe you will be learn from it, and overcome it. 

 

After all, if everything was so easy we won't value it as much and would hand all these decisions to algorithms, machines and robots... 

[Beaver Boy]

Just now, swirl_of_blue said:

It's been years since I went to therapy, I just sometimes suddenly remember something my therapist used to say and start thinking of it. I didn't identify as ace way back when I still saw her, I assumed that my lack of interest and enjoyment in sex was because I had never had good sex. Actually, half of the time I still think that might be the case and my inability to relax and live in the moment is the thing that makes partnered sex so uncomfortable (too embarassed to communicate or even look at my partner, afraid that I say or do something stupid -> awkward fumbling -> more embarrasment -> stress -> "I never want to do this again!")

I've been to therapists before, but the last time I've been was before I realized I was ace. I went to help deal with an incident in which I tried to cuddle a friend who didn't want to, but I felt really bad about what I did like I crossed some major boundary. I think all my therapists thought I was just hurt by the rejection, and it was no good not having anyone believe me.

 

If you have never really enjoyed sex and you only want a sexual relationship so you can prove to yourself or to someone else that you're "normal" and if you yourself never really wanted sex, that's perfectly fine.

[swirl_of_blue]

1 hour ago, Beaver Boy said:

If you have never really enjoyed sex and you only want a sexual relationship so you can prove to yourself or to someone else that you're "normal" and if you yourself never really wanted sex, that's perfectly fine.

I don't want to be normal at all, but rather I don't want to be closing any doors from myself. I've only had sex with one extremely selfish, uncaring person and one absolutely clueless, uncommunicative and way too shy person (and guess what, both of these were Aspies like me). I am very aware that my experiences simply aren't of the kind of sex anyone at all would want to have and I should't be surprised that I didn't enjoy it either! I don't think partnered sex is in any way required for me to be happy relationship, but I do hope that I can with the right partner be sex-positive enough for my partner to be happy. Right now I just don't have enough, or any, data of what that sort of meaningful, happy sex is like so I can't say if it's something I can find interesting or like.

 

1 hour ago, paperbackreader said:

To me, one of the nicest things about Aspergers logic is for us, most of the time, peer pressure just isn't worth bat shit. What 'conformity'? We're going to be whoever we want to be, outcast or not, without reference to convention, thank you. 

I even like being nonconforming! Eccentric, eclectic, whatever. I'm NOT going to fit any of the society's stupid molds unless it's something that for some reasons appeals to me personally. My life, my rules.

 

2 hours ago, LadyFie said:

Don't be so negative. It's still possible that she is not straight. I'd still say you should give it a try (unless you're scared it will destroy your platonic relationship with her, then it might be a bad idea. You got to decide that yourself.). 

I'm hoping I might find something out if I wait long enough. I try to be present if I hear a group of friends talking about sexual orientations or gender identities, both because they are topics that interest me and because there's always the chance someone will decide to come out. It also gives me a good opportunity to mention that I don't care about a potential partner's sex or gender (which I also hope might encourage others to come out). But unless I get at least some proof that she might be receptive to advances from someone not biologically male I won't suggest anything to her. We aren't friends of the "we hang out together" sort, but we are teammates and I don't want to introduce any awkwardness to that dynamic.

 

3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Was your therapist AS literate? I could see how that would change things. And also how AS might be part of you doing some all or nothing catastrophising now... 

At first she thought I really shouldn't have been considered to be on the autistic spectrum at all, saying I had too good capacity for empathy. She even said she felt I was one of the most emphathetic people she had ever met! However, as we had weekly meetings for two years she began to know me better and in the end had to admit that even though I could feel bad because someone else was feeling bad, I was still just as useless at actually making that person feel better. She said that I taught her a lot and helped her remember that there is variance also within Aspies just as there is in neurotypicals. I still don't agree with a lot of her advice, especially of the relationship kind!

[roland.o]

That advice sounds weird to me as well. The only setting in which I could find that acceptable is when both sides know that it isn't going to last. Like meeting someone while on vacation, or someone who is working/studying abroad for a few months. Then the intention is not to "play relationship" and dump the other person eventually, but to be together for as long as the circumstances permit, without trying to make it last beyond that point.