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stuartmcgrath

worth coming out as ace?

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stuartmcgrath

I've never come out to anyone in my family and i don't really feel compelled too but is this something I should do at some point or another? I've come out to a few close friends and I'm trying to be more open about it to be more comfortable with myself.

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MrDane

To most people it wouldnt matter. To some you could more simply say, that you were not that interested in sex or that you felt it was a private matter. To the few, who could turn into partners, you should say it and believe me, a sexual like myself, can think that you are just playing hard to get. Dont promise more than you are willing to try to keep 

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Groobly

I'd say it's all dependent on personal social factors. If you have an understanding family, sure, I guess it can't really hurt. "Worth it" is such a subjective qualifier, though, so it's hard to give you a concrete answer. Just weigh the benefits and detriments and go from there. I personally haven't done it because I don't see it as necessary. If it ever comes up, yeah, I'll come out, but until then I'm still the same person I was before I realized I was asexual.

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Ellii

I think you should do whatever you need to do to feel most comfortable and confident in yourself. If you feel that you are hiding your lack of attraction and being more open about your feelings is appealing to you, do. If you feel that it is a non-issue in your life and you are comfortable voicing your feelings without explicitly opening up about how you label your identity, that's fine too.

 

My view, which is clearly not held by everyone, is that coming out as an asexual isn't really a thing.  Closeting happens not when people are presumed heterosexual, as everyone is under heteronormativity, but when their behaviour is explicitly condemned and shunned.  While, as an asexual, there is absolutely an assumption of heterosexuality that you may or may not be comfortable with, asexuality is characterized by a lack of sexual behavior and therefore is not shunned. Instead, asexuality is overlooked.

Coming out is about taking control of a narrative about yourself. You express or have a desire to express a behavior regarded as indecent or deviant by society at large (though things are improving), and so before someone salaciously "discovers" this about you, you choose to tell your own story. As an asexual, there is no behavior to be "discovered"; no narrative to preempt; no closet to come out of. 

When you are open about your asexuality, you do break through the heteronormative assumptions placed upon you.  If those are assumptions that you are uncomfortable with or that you feel lead you to be disingenuous about your feelings, then it certainly could be good for you to speak more openly about your sexuality when the topic arises.

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drjohnhwatson

If you want to be more open and comfortable with yourself, and you feel like the best way to do that is to come out to people, then I suggest that you do that.  But of course you don't have to do so.  I would just recommend making certain that the people you do come out to are people that you feel safe with and won't regret your decision afterward.

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BinaryFission

I have been pretty much more open about my asexuality than ever before, and I feel like that is a good thing for me. I don't have to feel that I am hiding something from my friends or family members, and I get to know and understand who my true friends more. To many people (like in school, probably) it wouldn't really matter. 

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Illegal Calculus

I agree, "worth it" is very subjective.  Most people would say that a family environment becoming more accepting is worth it and a less accepting environment is not worth it.  For me, I found that the knowledge of who is not willing to accept me was very much worth it.  Even if something seems bad, there is some value in it, of course that value may not always exceed the harm.

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Nowhere Girl

I believe it is worth it, at least if one has a reasonably understanding family. It's also about social visibility. Some people behave as if they thought that there are maybe 1000 people not interested in sex worldwide. Coming out shows them that it isn't so, that asexuality is a real thing and that asexuals are everywhere, they are just invisible.

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MightyProphet
6 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I believe it is worth it, at least if one has a reasonably understanding family. It's also about social visibility. Some people behave as if they thought that there are maybe 1000 people not interested in sex worldwide. Coming out shows them that it isn't so, that asexuality is a real thing and that asexuals are everywhere, they are just invisible.

This has been my reasoning behind my newfound decision to 'come out' to people- obviously it has to be the correct time and place, but I like to think that if more of us come out then it could make that person who's scared and confused feel a little better; I was this person until very recently, and I'd love to have known someone else who is asexual to have made things a little easier for myself. I view my own 'coming out' as a way to challenge the status quo. I've also used it as a useful way of avoiding awkward questions; to just confront the issue head on. I was out with a load of colleagues a week or so back, and everyone had had a few drinks, and started talking about sex and relationships (they were playing 'never have I ever,' the asexual's nightmare game), and when it came to me, I just told everyone. I thought everyone would laugh, or shun me, and they asked a few questions, but everyone was completely non-judgemental, and within a couple of minutes no one was talking about it anymore. For the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't holding anything back. I would only suggest doing something like this at the right time, but ultimately I felt pretty good about it. 

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Astryda

I've never come out to anyone (except AVENites). I think my sex life is no one's business (except my partner's, who obviously is personally involved in it, but since my asexuality doesn't put any strain on our relationship I haven't told him either) and I just don't see any reason to do so. 

I think you should do whatever feels right for you. If you want to come out to feel better about your asexuality though, I guess you better say it to people about whom you know they will be supportive or at least not negative.

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Shadowstepper

For me, there are people that I wanted to come out to, people that I wanted their thoughts on the matter, and people that I thought should know. Beyond that handful of people, I really don't care if people know or not.

 

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