Alexandra Kale Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 So here's the situation. I wanted to tell my close friend that I'm ace for a few weeks and today I finally managed to do so. It was very stressful for me, because it was the first time I told someone about it. When I told her that I wanted to tell her something but was too afraid, she started to be stressed too. I said that I found something during reading some stuff and I got interested in it, to calm down a little. Then I finally did it. I told her that I'm asexual. And I got one of those common reactions that I was so afraid to hear. She said "No, that's impossible". I was just about to explain it to her, because I thought that she misunderstood asexuality, but then she said something more. "It's too early for you to know. It's just a phase. You'll get over it." I was just too stressed and kind of scared to say anything (we were talking at school, in a class, so I also didn't want to talk about it too much, because somebody could hear). I was just sitting quietly and she started to say something and I just made it clear that I like boys, but just don't feel that kind of attraction, that I just don't care about sex and things like that. She told me that she know what I meant and we was talking about some stuff related to the topic. And then we changed subject completly. I was really quiet all the time, like I was talking with her, but I think it was clear (at least for her) that something was wrong. I was kind of offensive, avoided eye contact quite often (while normally we are really close) and my mind was kind od somewhere else. Then lesson started so she had to go to her seat. On this lesson I usually look around and we (me and this girl) talk quite much (we are sitting far from each other, but we still do). But this time I was thinking a lot about what happened. I was sitting quietly looking at my notebook and writing some stuff in it. I think she could notice and think about it too, because of what happened next, but I'm not sure. Anyway, lesson ended and we went for another one (we have only one class together). She went out from her row and just hugged me (we hug often, so I didn't even think that it could be about it at first) and we went out from a class and few seconds after it she told me that she loves me no matter of what (we are also saying that ["I love you"] sometimes, but I think it could be about events before the lesson, because it happened out of nowhere). I said something like "Aww, thank you" and she turned it all to a joke, saying "But only because you're so tall and you could kill me otherwise". I finally laughed for real (we are joking a lot, so I know that she was just joking). But after all I don't really know what to think about what happened. I know that she didn't mean anything bad and didn't want me to feel uncomfortable or anything, but since she was the first person I came out to, I have felt like I won't get support and shouldn't tell anyone else. But then she hugged me and all. I don't know what to think. She said that I can't say that I'm ace, because I'm too young and I will get over it. But on the other hand she said "I love you, no matter of what" later. What do you think about it? Some emotions might cloud my judgement, so I'm asking for advice. It would help a lot. PS. Sorry for mistakes and long post Link to post Share on other sites
EmotionalAndroid Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I'm by no means an expert in social matters, but it sounds like she saw that her reaction upset you and her giving you a hug was her way of apologizing. Perhaps she saw that you were afraid of speaking with her again and she really doesn't want you two to grow apart over anything. I think her first reaction was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction and now that she is thinking about it, she is becoming more understanding. People can often speak before they think and then later realize they made an error. She may not have been expecting you to come out to her and she didn't know what to think or say. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 It sounds like she of course doesn't want to lose you as a friend, which is good. It also sounds like after thinking about what you said that she's willing to accept it but it might take time for her to fully understand it. Give it time and see how things progress in your friendship. I wouldn't let it put you off telling other people you care about though, but only when you're ready. School can be a toxic place with differences like this so I would say just be careful who does know, although maybe things have changed since I was at school (2002). Link to post Share on other sites
Ennis Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Sure, her reaction wasn't perfect, but just give her some time to wrap her head around this. I'm positive her intentions towards you were good - she may just have been surprised and confused. I've had the same thing happen to me. People who don't know much about asexuality find it hard to understand. I'd suggest you discuss this with her again in a more appropriate setting - no nosy people, more time etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Planet Ace Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I agree with EmotionalAndroid's assessment, that's exactly what I thought as I was reading your account of what happened. It probably would have been less confusing if she'd actually said she was sorry, but her actions speak nearly as well. I think she really is sorry she hurt you, and did her best to make it right as soon as she realized there was a problem. In that regard, she seems like a good friend! Everyone's advice is good, so I don't have much to add. Just try to be patient with people, when you come out. Most of them aren't trying to be hurtful, they just don't understand yet and don't know how hurtful their words are. Give 'em time. And don't feel bad if despite your best efforts, some people just don't get it, that's not your fault. There are some who will never understand, 'cause they don't want to. Don't waste too much time on them that would be better spent elsewhere on people who will listen and try to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
TheSmokingSkellie Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 If she gave you a hug after all that, I'm positive that you don't need to worry. When I came out to a friend I heard the exact same thing, that it's a phase but said friend also kept making sure I wouldn't do dumb stuff like self harm when I got to a really low point. Link to post Share on other sites
Kersenne Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 It's a common reaction from people - saying things like "you're too young", "you haven't met the right one yet", "how can you know when you haven't had it yet" etc. I have had these kinds of reactions as well, and I understand how it can hurt, especially coming from people you trust. From her reaction, I agree that she must have felt that you were upset, but she is and will remain your friend. Perhaps she will go home and think about what you told her, look up asexuality and come talk to you about it. Perhaps she won't, and then you will have to go back to her, and try again to explain what asexuality is and that this is who you are. But I, like others above, believe that she reacted as your friend and that given a little bit of time, she will come to understand what it means to be asexual and she will accept it So don't give up! Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Kale Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 Thank all of you for answering. It really helped Link to post Share on other sites
Beaver Boy Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Maybe she was just ignorant about asexuality and didn't think it was possible. And then she noticed you looking sad after she told you you'd get over it and realized how she hurt you and now she is trying to be supportive of you. It looks like your friend still loves you since you still hug and joke around. As long as you are still comfortable around her, just try to explain your asexuality to her again. I think she'll be more understanding the second time. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Kale Posted November 15, 2017 Author Share Posted November 15, 2017 4 hours ago, Beaver Boy said: Maybe she was just ignorant about asexuality and didn't think it was possible. And then she noticed you looking sad after she told you you'd get over it and realized how she hurt you and now she is trying to be supportive of you. It looks like your friend still loves you since you still hug and joke around. As long as you are still comfortable around her, just try to explain your asexuality to her again. I think she'll be more understanding the second time. Yeah, I'm feeling good with her. When I saw her today I hugged her and told that I love her, she responded with the same thing. And we were just doing stuff that we always do. Only thing that changed is that I know that she knows. Maybe she don't understand it perfectly and maybe she is still thinking that it will probably change but it didn't change anything in our friendship. Actually she was sitting with me on this one class we have together (we have it 3 times a week), while she normally sits with other girl. (She even had two cupcakes and gave one of them to me. Yeah, we share our food often, even yesterday I gave her half of my lunch, because she didn't have anything.) And we were talking a lot, because she came to my class a few times and we talked a lot. And after school we went to McDonald's. So everything is really good Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 That's lovely to hear, @Alexandra Kale. Sounds like you have a great friend there. Link to post Share on other sites
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