magg Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 hello everyone. I just stumbled across this website after a series of google searches. I am hoping someone can provide some insight to what I am feeling, just to give me some comfort. So here goes. I am 18 years old, and am female. I have been in one relationship that lasted one month. The entire relationship consisted of us holding hands and (rarely) kissing, mostly because I felt extremely uncomfortable doing anything that surpassed these two activities. I felt as though kissing was something that was obligatory in a relationship, and for that reason alone I participated in it. It was never extremely enjoyable for me, and looking back now I can say the best part of the relationship were the elements that were not physical. (going on adventures, watching movies etc.) When he attempted to make our relationship more serious, I quickly withdrew and became uncomfortable whenever I was around him. I made excuses to why I was suddenly more busy and couldn't meet up with him. He began to seem very agitated with me, and I felt like there was no way to explain how I was feeling because, I didn't really know myself. I ended the relationship, blaming my decision on school and my busy lifestyle. Looking back, he never really acted out of line or made any non-consensual advances on me. but I still felt disgusted with his actions. Following this relationship, any physical advances on me that were not 100% platonic disgusted me. I would remove myself from ANY situations where I feared I would be kissed or even sometimes hugged. I stopped going on dates because I feared that if the date went well, I would need to become more physical with that individual. If there was a person I liked or found attractive, I would continue to like them until they showed interest in me back. Then its 100% abandon ship for me. It made/makes me feel so lonely to think that not everyone feels this way, and it frustrates me. Another discovery I have made is that watching movies or videos where there is a sex/intimate scene does not phase me. I couldn't care less. However, if I mentally swap myself with the person in the scene and pretend it is me, suddenly I am absolutely disgusted. I don't find any sexual act appealing. I am not opposed to kissing-- but anything more intimate than that just makes me feel weird. Please, someone help me. I don't know what to do and I am frustrated. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 It sounds like asexuality to me. Don't feel lonely; you have a whole community of people like you. I hope that you come to accept yourself. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
magg Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 I just want to be able to be in a proper relationship one day though. I don't enjoy these feelings of anxiety that come with intimacy 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lonelyghost Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that you cant have romantic feelings or be in a relationship. Some asexual's are aromanatic, but they dont always come hand in hand. Hope this helps, and welcome to aven Quote Link to post Share on other sites
magg Posted November 14, 2017 Author Share Posted November 14, 2017 The thing is, I don't even know if I am able to enjoy intimacy that comes with relationships. I like the idea of romance in theory--- but the second it is applied to me I shy away and freak out Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Laurathenerd Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 Even if you are aromantic, you can still have strong platonic relationship or QPR. Although this may not be the "proper" relationship you are referring to, they can be just as close, and you will likely feel comfortable. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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